I try to be as open and honest with people about my anxiety as I can be. I don't sugar coat things and I don't exaggerate. I try to say what's on my mind and I try to paint a picture. To show people who don't personally experience anxiety how real it is. To show people who do personally experience anxiety THAT they aren't alone. To show people that everyone has their own personal struggles and trials they are dealing with. To show people that you can do hard things. You can survive the deep & dark.
Cause that's what mental illness is. The deep & dark. I don't think I would've ever called it that until now. The anxiety that I dealt with when I was growing up was hard-- but for different reasons. Back then it was anxiety. Now it is anxiety AND a panic disorder.
Back then it was hard because no one talked about mental illness. It was hard because no one talked about anxiety. It was hard because I was put on medication when I was 10 years old and that was it!! No counseling services were offered. No follow ups were offered. No programs or reading material was offered. NOTHING! I was put on medication and that was that. I took my pills every night and I don't remember much about experiencing anxiety until middle school.
In middle school when things got hard for me I had my parents to turn to but that was it. And to be honest I don't know if I was 100% iron and honest with them because I was so SCARED and didn't think they would understand! I didn't think they would be able to help me because I couldn't always describe my thoughts! I never full 100% opened up to anyone about the things that went through my mind and the constant worry I had and the panic attacks. And it was t until High School that I really got a grip on things and loved a mostly normal life. Anxiety didn't control my life and I got to experience so many awesome things that I'm grateful for.
But now? Anxiety & this new panic disorder is my deep & dark. And even though there are people who experience it and there are more people who are open about it, I still feel so alone. I've yet to meet someone who has experience similiar things to me. I've yet to hear or read about someone who has panic attacks that are like mine. I've yet to find someone who GETS me on that kind of a level.
It's hard. Going at it alone. I have friends, family, and a therapist that help me and support me, but sometimes it's just plain HARD. But I can do it & im getting through it, and if you feel this same way about your situation just know that you can get through it no matter how alone you feel.
And I get so frustrated with myself. It's hard knowing I "should" be/think/feel one way and I just CANT. It's hard when simple/normal things are difficult to do. It's hard when I can't explain myself to people or when people don't even try to understand or take me seriously. It's hard when I got to several different doctors and I can't find one that I feel like really takes me seriously, or explains things correctly, or is doing what's best for ME and not just my symptoms/diagnosis.
It's hard but I'm SURVIVING. I'm not going to give up. I've come a really long way from where I was at mentally back in November. I'm accomplishing so many things I never would have dreamed of. I am learning to exist and live and function WITH my anxiety. My anxiety isn't going away completely, but I'm managing it better than I ever could have imagined. And I'm so grateful for where I am right now. Oddly, grateful for this healing journey because I've learned more about myself and life than I would've otherwise. I'm not glad or happy about what I've gone through, but I'm grateful.
And I really want to raise awareness about mental illness. And I really want to make a difference. And I really want to keep getting better & stronger. And I really want to find a state of mind that can accept anxiety 100% and be willing to live with it and live through it happily.
Xoxo
Bailey
No comments:
Post a Comment