not a cliche end of the year post but like kind of...

I used to be adventurous.
I used to go with the flow.
I used to love crowds.
I used to love to be the center of attention.
I used to always be on the go and got out of my comfort zone often.
I used to have a lot of faith that everything happened for  a reason.
I used to be braver.
I used to love parties and concerts.
I used to want to travel the world and be spontaneous and outgoing.

I remember in therapy over this last year- especially at the beginning I would always go back to saying things like:
"I used to be able to do it easily!
I used to not have these problems!
I used to ______ and _______ (insert above statements)
I just want to be how I was!"
And that was my goal. To get back to how I was. That's what I truly wanted. To be the old Bailey. Who was "normal" and didn't have high stress and debilitating anxiety. The one who was always described as outgoing, happy, and fun. The one who hiked Mount Timp and went on a cruise to Mexico with friends and loved concerts and parties and went long boarding at 2am.  But no matter how hard I tried to deny it, my struggles and trials this last year changed me. Simple as that. And looking back, how did I expect myself NOT to change? That's what this whole year was for me- CHANGE and TRANSFORMATION.

For a while after I realized this, I was sad. Like really really sad and in a way I almost was mourning for my old self. I felt defeated and like I didn't know who I was anymore. Because if I wasn't the old Bailey, how could I feel like myself? I didn't want to be different. I felt lost. Because some of my passions changed, my hobbies changed, the way I liked to spend my time changed, and things I enjoyed- they all changed. And it was weird and uncomfortable because the things that once were me just weren't anymore.  The Bailey that was so care free and went with the flow and did not have super high stress levels and wanted to travel the world and have non stop adventure- she just wasn't  100% there anymore.

I kept wishing so badly my anxiety and stress would just go away and that I would be able to be who I once was.  That my goals and things I wanted in life would be the same. I wished that I still wanted to go to Europe and New Zealand. And go back packing and hiking in various places around the US. And go on cruises and crazy amusement parks. And just experience so many things all over the world. But that just wasn't the case anymore. And that has been a hard adjustment for me. Adventure still sounds fun, but I might have to ease myself into it and do things differently to accommodate my anxiety. Nowadays I would rather do yoga and meditate and have my soul awakened that way. I would rather kick it with DJ Bed and McBlanky versus going to a concert or party. Now I really really like baths and I am obsessed with bath bombs haha. I enjoy comfy clothes instead of always dressing up. I like reading self help books rather than going to the mall. I SOUND SO OLD LOL. And things like- maybe only wanting 3 kids instead of the 6 I had always planned for. I've just had to make a lot of adjustments to be able to cope with life and find new ways for happiness.

Its just been recently that I've realized that all this is OKAY. And that me changing is OKAY. And that that girl I used to be hadn't gone through all the things I went through this last year.  She didn't have a full time job, husband, real life bills, puppy, lots of pressures and responsibilities. And that girl did not have passion for self care. She didn't truly love herself. She didn't fully know herself. She didn't understand her limits and boundaries like I do now. And so it's okay that I have changed. It actually makes sense that I've changed.  It's okay that I'm not that same girl. I'm sure there will be times when that side of me comes out and surprises me- but I'm just different now and that's okay.


xoxo
Bailey

Just A Glimpse of Darkness.

*this post may contain triggers for those struggling with mental illness  so please proceed with caution if you think it might affect you or skip down to where you see "++" and read from there on*

I'm feeling very inspired and I'm feeling that fire in my soul that's making me feel like I might have something important to say.  So here's some word vomit from yours truly while I open up and talk about things I never have before-- 

For those of you who have followed my story  this last year- thank you. Whether it was out of curiosity, because you could relate, because you truly cared- thank you. I hope you aren't at the point where you roll your eyes whenever you see me post. Ha. There's a lot that I haven't written about and a lot that I haven't shared. I don't like to FORCE myself to write. I don't like to FORCE myself to post. I have a HUGE list of posts in my mind that I want to write, but I believe they will be written at the right time. And today for whatever reason, I'm feeling the need to share. 

I have a lot of emotions inside of me right now and so I hope that my words can come out the way that I am feeling them. 

I get worried people will associate me with my mental illness and not the other parts that come from it. I worry people think of me as broken, or someone who wants attention, or someone who is calling out for help..... when what I hope to do is inspire and connect and that people can see my strength and my growth. 

Mental illness is a very personal and individual thing. Which makes it complicated. People have different triggers, experiences, reasons for why they are they way they are, coping strategies etc. Someone else with anxiety might not relate 10000% to the experiences with it I share. But despite all of that, I hope so badly that people will look at me as someone who "gets it". That someone will be able to connect with this mess I call my life. Because i truly believe that connections and relating to one another is a huge part about what life is about. So here's me sharing a part of my story I've left out because I've been scared to open up about it and can be a hard topic to discuss. 

I’ve never talked about this to anyone before- because i've never felt the need to, but here I am writing this now. There were a few times this last year battling my consuming anxiety disorder and panic attacks that I remember thinking questions like- “What’s the point of all this? What is the point of living every day when just living is HARD to do? Is it really going to get better? Is there really anyone who can understand the amount of pain, struggle, and darkness I feel? Is it even worth trying to get better because it doesn't seem like I ever will? What if this is going to be my life forever? If it is, I don’t want this. If it is, I don't want to live.” 

Not in the sense that I wanted to end my life, but that I lost all hope in WANTING to live. Because of the all consuming mental illness I was struggling with, life just didn't seem worth it to me. The way I felt, the lack of things I was able to do, that WASNT living. In those moments I understood a glimpse of WHY people get to the point where they want to take their own lives. I understood WHY people with severe mental health problems or people with extremely difficult trials and struggles head down that road. I felt it in those moments. The weight. The despair. The "whats the point?" I personally do not have a depression - BUT there were EXTREMELY depressing moments during this time. Time when depression crept in and sucked all the happiness and joy out of me like a freaking dementor (harry potter fans heyyy).  

Those thoughts luckily did not consume me all day every day, they didn't make me suicidal- but I remember that terrifying helplessness. I remember the darkness that came with those questions. The heart break. The emptiness. It made me have extreme compassion and sympathy for people that ARE suicidal and that DO struggle with those thoughts on a daily basis or for periods of time. That is HEAVY stuff. And it broke my heart. Seeing into that little window of ultimate despair. The one where it showed me that LIFE CAN BE SO HARD TO THE POINT THAT SEEMS LIKE ITS NOT WORTH LIVING BECAUSE THATS THE ONLY WAY TO ESCAPE THAT HURT AND THAT PAIN. Just for a little while I feel like my eyes were opened to a whole different kind of pain. And it was heartbreaking.  How heartbreaking that mental illness can make people feel this way. How life shattering that your own mind becomes your worst enemy.

I NEVER got to the point where that despair and depression and thoughts were all consuming. But I do remember how broken I felt when those questions would cross my mind.  Those thoughts would come and go as I’m sure it does with many other mental illnesses.  Mental illness can seem hopeless. It can seem like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. It can seem like no one cares because its as though no one can understand. It can seem pointless to keep trying. It can seem like a never ending road of pain. I get that. But I truly truly truly believe no one is so broken  and damaged, and shattered that they can't be helped. I believe no one can be so far gone that they can't find light again in their life. I believe no one can be so overcome by sadness and hopelessness and despair that they don't have any more options. I believe in the words DON'T GIVE UP, KEEP GOING, YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS. 

++There is ALWAYS options. There is ALWAYS help. There is ALWAYS something. There is ALWAYS hope. ALWAYS. There are SO SO many resources and things that can help struggling, heart  broken, shattered people. 

I'm not saying its easy to find what works for you. It might take a while to get there and to find those answers, but I know that everyone can. I know because I've seen a glimpse of that darkness. I know because I felt broken and like there was no way I could ever feel like myself again. I know because I had to try and try and try and try and just take it a day at a time until eventually I could look back and see the ways I was changing. See the ways I was becoming something new, something better, something changed, something happier, something transformed. 

It's worth it to just keep taking that next step. Even if it is just a baby step. 

xoxo

Bailey

**I am not a Dr and if you or someone you love is experiencing suicidal thoughts, struggling with anxiety, struggling with depression or another mental illness SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP. See a Dr, see a specialist, get on medication, get into counseling and THEN try other options- meditation, yoga, self help books, spiritual leaders, other internet resources. HELP IS THERE. You don't have to do things all by yourself.**

My Letter of Gratitude to Anxiety.

Photo cred: Honeyseed Photography

For the past 2 days I have been working on my Solar Plexus Chakra. This chakra deals with your skin, pancreas, digestive tract, liver, and nervous system; personal power, self esteem etc. I was challenged to write a letter of gratitude to my biggest trial and to find PURPOSE in my trial. This is not going to be easy, and I've been putting it off for the past 2 days, but I know that's exactly why I needed to do it.

You probably already know who the culprit of my biggest trial is right now- ANXIETY. So here goes my gratitude letter to anxiety:

Dear Anxiety,
You have taught me a number of things in this past year that I am so grateful to have learned. You have pushed me beyond the limits I thought I could handle. You have made me break so I could become stronger. You have given me power in ways I never knew I had and ways I never knew you could.  You have brought me to my lowest of lows so I could CHANGE.

You have taught me. Taught me that I can do harder things than I think I can. That I can never fully be broken because I always find away to mend myself. That I can come out on top of the hardest moments of my life. You have taught me that I do not have control of everything, and that I need to be okay with that. That I need HELP to get through this life and that I can't do everything on my own.  You have taught me to take care of myself.

You have pushed me. You have pushed me down a life changing path. A path off self care, self love, and self worth. You have pushed me towards meditation, yoga, chakras, and self help books. You have pushed me towards being healthy mind, body, spirit. You have pushed me to turn to God. Pushed me to break so I could learn how to mend myself. Pushed me to take care of myself every single day.

You have made me strong. Stronger than I ever was before. Stronger mentally. Stronger from the  most overwhelming and difficult times so that I had to find a way to get through it. Stronger so I could learn to ask for help and so I  connect with people. Stronger so that I can recognize small victories every single day. Stronger so I know when to take a break and do things for myself.

You have given me power. Power to pick myself up off the ground when you become debilitating and my worst enemy. Power to know my limits and say no when I need to. Power to know myself and understand myself more than I ever thought possible.

So thank you. Thank you for pushing me to become the person I am now- no FORCING me. The person that knows her worth. The person that is extra grateful for life. The person that wants to help others that have to deal with you so that they can learn how to be grateful for you to. I never knew I would or could get to this point of gratitude, but now after all of this I am grateful.

xo
Bailey

My Constant Uphill Battle.

It's been a while since I talked about my anxiety openly. I think I just needed a break from it, things were going well and so it wasn't the #1 thing that was on my mind all the time like it used to be. This has been a LONG healing journey. It's lasted a lot longer than I expected and hoped it would. And I'm now realizing that I'm not sure this one has an end. Which is absolutely heart breaking to me. Like, on a scale of 1-10 I am sad about it a solid 11. I didn't want this to be something that stuck around. I didn't want to have to work on myself every single day. I didn't want living a "normal" life to become a challenge for me. But it is. And if I could just get over myself and ACCEPT it, my life would probably change for the better. I know that. But I am stubborn and it is SO hard for me to accept that anxiety might (will) be apart of my life forever. I just can't get it through my head.

It's hard to accept because I don't want it to define me. I don't want it to damage my relationships. I don't want it to affect my daily life like it did at the beginning of the year. I don't wan't it to make me not able to function. I don't want it to make me a bad wife/mother/sister/friend. I don't want it to hold me back. I don't want it to ruin my life. I don't want it to make happiness unattainable. Those are real fears of mine because at the beginning of the year it was all of those things for me.

It's hard to accept because I simply do not want it and I am not okay that I experience it. Like, duh who would- but I just resist it so much because I hate it. And that's probably the first thing a therapist would tell you is that resistance makes anxiety SO much worse. That anxiety is just heightened and feeds off of resistance. I get that. I understand that. That makes sense. But it is so freaking hard to no resist something that you hate and don't want. 

I do realize that my life did make a HUGE turn around once I had that huge "break through acceptance" moment at my therapist office in May. You can read about it here I can't wait to get back to that mindset. Just shows you this whole anxiety is constant ups,downs,twists,turns- you get it. It's not an uphill process. I can sit here and tell myself- just ACCEPT it. and drill that word into my head, but until I FEEL it, it doesn't do much. Until I believe it, it's just kind of a word. AND I KNOW I PROBABLY SOUND CRAZY BECAUSE THE ANSWER TO HELPING MYSELF IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME AND I AM TALKING ABOUT IT TO YOU GUYS BUT IT'S NOT THAT EASY. I wish it was. But I'm just keeping it real. And this will be my constant uphill battle with my anxiety.

When a panic attack or extreme anxiety sets in, it is hard to stay calm. and it is hard NOT to resist it. My first natural instinct is to try and make it so I am not feeling that way.  Obviously. But I've learned that makes it 1000x worse and it isn't until I distract myself by doing something, I am able to recognize it is just my anxiety and that I am not in any real danger, or I if I can tell myself "this is anxiety, it is okay that I feel this way, it is fine that it is uncomfortable. anxiety sucks, but it will pass and you've been through a lot worse" that I am able to get through it. 

These past few weeks have been really hard for me. I didn't have therapy for 2 months, and I got through it, but the last 2 weeks before I had another counseling appointment I felt like I was going backwards hard and fast. I hadn't had one of those weeks before and it was scary. I was anxious daily. Things that I had been able to do in the past few months were getting hard again. I wasn't feeling like myself. I was having to take my emergency pills again. I was having intense anxiety and ALMOST panic attacks. And I was very discouraged. So I went to my counseling appointment, worked through things, got on the right track again, and I am now officially "graduated" from therapy. Which scares the crap out of me because I do NOT feel like I am ready to be without my therapist because he has changed my life and helped me more than I could've ever even imagined. But I have the tools & I just have to live my life the best I can, even if it means with anxiety.

xoxo

Bailey

I'm not screwed. I'm not messed up. I don't have issues.

I'm doing better. Beginning to feel more like myself. Consistently not having to take my "emergency pills" and have more confidence in my ability to better manage my anxiety. And I even don't have to see my therapist for 2 whole months because I'm doing so much better.
When I look back on these past 6 months I feel grateful for the progress I've made and  how much easier living normal life has started to feel. I consider myself lucky in a way. Becaue back in January, when I was rock bottom, I could not even begin to picture the strides and milestones I have accomplished in this journey.
But that's the hardest part of this whole thing. It's a journey. It doesn't have a destination. It doesn't have the happy sweet ending that I had been begging and praying for. The one where my anxiety would go away, my panic attacks would end, and I would go back to how my life was before all of this. That was my goal. I had felt "normal" at one point in my life so I wanted to attain that again. It took me months before I even TRIED to accept the fact that anxiety was going to be a part of my life. I thought I had been accepting it, but deep down inside my goal was to justget RID of anxiety rather than learn how to live WITH it.
I had the greatest therapist ever. Hands down I could not have gone through this without his expertise, patience, and listening ears. I will forever be grateful for the things he taught me through this process.  2 sessions ago we had a "break theough" moment. I was getting frustrated with my anxiety. Frustrated that it wouldn't go away. Frustrated that besides medication and counseling there isn't much help for mental health. Frustrated that I wasn't making more progress. Frustrated that I was still having anxiety here and there. Frustrated about a million things. My therapist helped me to realize the reality of my situation, genetics, and mental illness. That the key to really progressing with anxiety is to ACCEPT it. It took me 4 months before I finally truly did this. It took me 4 months before I faced the heartbreaking truth I didn't want to be true. That I have anxiety and that's just a fact. No matter how much I try to not have it, I do. The. More I tried to wish it away, the more I couldn't. It wasn't until I fully accepted my anxiety that I finally felt powerful. It doesn't mean that I am "okay" wit having anxiety, heck no I am not! It doesn't mean I "like" my anxiety, not even a little. But I ACCEPT that I have it and that I am going to have to live my life differently than others.
I'm going to have to constantly take care of my mental health. I'm going to need to understand and know my limits. I'm going to have to push myself differently than others. I'm going to have to meditate and make self care a continual thing.  I'm going to be uncomfortable in many situations and I'm going to have to understand that and accept that about myself.
It's kind of an interesting brain transition. A weird thought process. And you better believe I was a heartbroken sobbing mess when I finally accepted that anxiety was apart of my life. But it really made all the difference. I've had to entirely change my relationship with anxiety. All of this doesn't mean I'm going to have extreme panic attacks and extreme anxiety like I experienced these past few months. It doesn't mean that I'm screwed for life. It doesn't mean that I can't still enjoy my life.  It doesn't mean that I'm messed up and have serious issues and have to struggle for the rest of my life. Cause believe me, I used to think all those things.
It all means that I have a better relationship & understand of my anxiety. That I know myself better. That I have tools and things I've had to practice the heck out of to be able to function better and live a more normal life. That I am not as terrified of my anxiety as I used to be. That I no longer am terrified of living life with this anxiety disorder I have.



Xoxo
Bailey

my late night honest thoughts about my anxiety

I try to be as open and honest with people about my anxiety as I can be. I don't sugar coat things and I don't exaggerate. I try to say what's on my mind and I try to paint a picture. To show people who don't personally experience anxiety how real it is. To show people who do personally experience anxiety THAT they aren't alone. To show people that everyone has their own personal struggles and trials they are dealing with. To show people that you can do hard things. You can survive the deep & dark.
Cause that's what mental illness is. The deep & dark. I don't think I would've ever called it that until now. The anxiety that I dealt with when I was growing up was hard-- but for different reasons. Back then it was anxiety. Now it is anxiety AND a panic disorder.
Back then  it was hard because no one talked about mental illness. It was hard because no one talked about anxiety. It was hard because I was put on medication when I was 10 years old and that was it!! No counseling services were offered. No follow ups were offered. No programs or reading material was offered. NOTHING! I was put on medication and that was that. I took my pills every night and I don't remember much about experiencing anxiety until middle school.
 In middle school when things got hard for me I had my parents to turn to but that was it. And to be honest I don't know if I was 100% iron and honest with them because I was so SCARED and didn't think they would understand! I didn't think they would be able to help me because I couldn't always describe my thoughts! I never full 100% opened up to anyone about the things that went through my mind and the constant worry I had and the panic attacks. And it was t until High School that I really got a grip on things and loved a mostly normal life. Anxiety didn't control my life and I got to experience so many awesome things that I'm grateful for.
But now? Anxiety &  this new panic disorder  is my deep & dark. And even though there are people who experience it and there are more people who are open about it, I still feel so alone. I've yet to meet someone who has experience similiar things to me. I've yet to hear or read about someone who has panic attacks that are like mine. I've yet to find someone who GETS me on that kind of a level.
It's hard. Going at it alone. I have friends, family, and a therapist that help me and support me, but sometimes it's just plain HARD. But I can do it & im getting through it, and if you feel this same way about your situation just know that you can get through it no matter how alone you feel.
And I get so frustrated with myself. It's hard knowing I "should" be/think/feel one way and I just CANT. It's hard when simple/normal things are difficult to do. It's hard when I can't explain myself to people or when people don't even try to understand or take me seriously. It's hard when I got to several different doctors and I can't find one that I feel like really takes me seriously, or explains things correctly, or is doing what's best for ME and not  just my symptoms/diagnosis.
It's hard but I'm SURVIVING. I'm not going to give up. I've come a really long way from where I was at mentally back in November. I'm accomplishing so many things I never would have dreamed of. I am learning to exist and live and function WITH my anxiety. My anxiety isn't going away completely, but I'm managing it better than I ever could have imagined. And I'm so grateful for where I am right now. Oddly, grateful for this healing journey because I've learned more about myself and life than I would've otherwise. I'm not glad or happy about what I've gone through, but I'm grateful.
And I really want to raise awareness about mental illness. And I really want to make a difference. And I really want to keep getting better & stronger. And I really want to find a state of mind that can accept anxiety 100% and be willing to live with it and live through it happily.

Xoxo
Bailey

Right now I am strong, but I am also very broken.

Right now I am strong. Strong because I am making it through each day when It feels like sometimes I can't. Strong because I am getting up out of bed in the morning when I feel like there are weights keeping me there. Strong because I am attempting to overcome the things that are causing anxiety to run my life right now. Strong because I am trying new medicine to see if it makes things more bearable even though I hate being on medicine. Strong because small victories have to be my big victories. Strong because I've had to open up to people about my trials right now to try and have them understand even though I know they won't be able to. Strong because I refuse to give up. Strong because I am going to work everyday even when it's difficult for me to just be there. Strong because I refuse to think that my life is going to be like this forever. Strong because I am asking God for help. Strong because I am trusting my Savior.

But right now I am also very broken. More broken than I've ever imagined. Broken because I can't function like I used to, like I want to. Broken because I thought I was strong and that anxiety wasn't going to be a constant companion in my life- right now it is. And this past week has rocked my world into a whole other universe. It's been the hardest thing I've ever experienced. I've been ashamed and humiliated because of it. It's anxiety like I have never felt. Normal every day tasks have become HUGE milestone accomplishments if I can get to them.  And I feel weak. Rock bottom weak. Weak because I want to feel normal again and I just can't.  Weak because I want to jump right back into my normal life and not have panic attacks with normal everyday stuff- and that has never been an issue before. Weak because I'M supposed to be the strong one to help other people, not the other way around. And I've managed my panic attacks for YEARS.  So what happened now? I wish I knew because then maybe I could fix it. And I have sympathy for people who have this type of anxiety. I can't believe that this type of anxiety I have experienced this past week is probably other peoples reality at times- or maybe all the time. And I am grateful that this is not my normal anxiety that I have had to deal with. 

Maybe that is why I am having this mega trial right now. To make me grateful for the anxiety that I normally have. To show me that it could be worse. To remind me that I am blessed. To remind me that it is okay to not be okay and okay to ask for help. To humble me and try to help me accept that I am not in control. That God is in control. To bring me so low, and so scared, and so far away from myself that I have to rely on God to bring me back. I have to rely on the Savior to believe and have faith that he has felt what I am feeling now so that He can sympathize with me and hold my hand through this. That He can remind me that I can get out of this rut. That He can remind me that I am NOT my anxiety. And that I need to be okay with not being in control, and to rely on Him. Because that's hard for me to do because I just want to be able to fix myself. But this past week has shown me that I can't.

I am so so blessed to have the husband, family, friends, and co-workers that I have in my life right now. Who are rooting for me and doing things to help me through this difficult time even if they can't fully understand what I am going through. I am grateful that I can find strength through them to push through difficult times. Because sometimes I just want to give up. Fighting is exhausting. And sometimes giving up seems like the only option, but I know I can't. Because I don't WANT anxiety to define me. I don't WANT anxiety to control my life. And I believe it is possible to get back to having control over it again. Even when sometimes it seems like it isn't possible, I know all things are possible through Christ. I know that He is aware of me and that He will guide me. And I'm trusting in Him and His timing so that I can feel whole again and learn the things that I am supposed to right now. 

To anyone else struggling like this right now, just hang in there. Ask yourself if you can get through the next 10 minutes, and if you can get through those next ten minutes do it. Then ask yourself that question again, and keep getting through 10 minutes and the next 10 minutes and the next 10 minutes and when you get through the day be PROUD of yourself that you got there. That you made it through minutes and hours that seemed unbearable. 

xoxo

Bailey

Images Via Pinterest

surviving through the deep and dark.

"you get to a point where it starts to feel okay to feel again,
and the midnight air doesn't suffocate you,
and the sky doesn't seem to hang so low anymore,
and if i would've told myself this a month ago,
that it'd all be okay,
i wouldn't have believed it,
but here i am,
standing in the middle of a forest with no one around for miles and a miles,
and i do not feel alone."
-m.k.


I used to love words. Not even just love them, but I was passionate about them. If I read something that intrigued me- it captured me. I felt like I was apart of it- and it was apart of me, and I had to write it down. To keep it forever, so i don't forget. To try and hold onto that feeling that I felt in that moment.  Words would literally make me feel alive. Writing them, reading them, creating them. And for the first time in a long time, this poem did that for me today. My soul feels awake. And I wrote this poem down. And I wish I could take what I feel inside right now and give a piece of it to all of you so you could understand how real this is for me. Because this poem is me. And i've been away for a while. Trying to rebuild myself from a long dark road of anxiety and depression. Because it broke me. More broken than I've ever been before. And i'm not going to be dramatic but I'm not going to sugar coat it either because that's not being real, and I'm being real.

I used to be able to write about pain. I used to be able to turn my dark feelings inside of me into words. It was an escape.  I was turning something dark into something beautiful. And I think that's why I love words so much. And honestly, I love honest- real- true- broken- dark- unedited words. Because we all feel that way sometimes. At least, in my mind I think we do. That at some point we all feel broken down and lost. But no one likes to talk about it. No one likes to talk about their true feelings because of what ifs. What if people will judge me? What if no one understands? What if I open up and no one can respond to it how I hope it would? What if no one takes me seriously? What if I am alone? What if I'm a lost cause?

And I couldn't handle the way I was feeling. I couldn't get myself to write it down. I couldn't get myself to speak about it. I couldn't get myself to come to grips with how I was really feeling. Because it was terrifying. And if I spoke about it, wrote about it, talked about it that would be making it real. And I didn't want it to be real anymore. I didn't want to have the crippling anxiety and the devastating depression. I didn't want to be that person. I wanted the person who I used to be but I literally could NOT get to her. No matter how I wanted to be myself, no matter how I wanted to do the things I used to do and say the things I used to say and think the things I used to think I COULD NOT. Because I was broken and the only one that could put myself back together was me and I did not know where all the pieces were hiding. I searched for them, I did, but they were hidden for so long. Almost an entire year of not knowing who you were to the realest and truest interpretation of that.

I think we don't like to talk about how we feel sometimes, because we don't want to take the chance of opening up and not being able to find someone who feels like we feel. That we won't be able to find someone who has the same soul as us. Someone who knows your pain because at one point it was their own. It's scary. But recently I have realized that sometimes that's what we all need. To have someone be brave enough to open up and be raw and say the things that we already think. To scream out the insecurities and worries and thoughts that we all have had at some point. To say the words that you have lived through. And survived. Because we are humans and we have to survive. Everything we do in this life is to survive. And when you get to the point where survival isn't important to you and you can't survive- what then. So, we survive. And hope that others choose to survive. And we live our lives surviving for ourselves and surviving to help others and to influence others survival.

So- if you're at a point in your life where you feel like you can't get through it. That the pain is endless. That the anxiety is unmanageable. That life is too harsh and too dark. That the depression has taken over your life and become who you are. That you truly believe you can't get back to happiness and hope and who you were at one point- or who you want to be. You can. And you might not believe it  now, but you literally CAN. And sometime you just have to wait. Because time heals. Eventually something clicks. Eventually you find what you need. And you rebuild yourself. Even if it is from ground 0, you rebuild and keep building and never stop. And if you don't get to that point you keep trying. And down the road, think of all the times you didn't think you could make it through. And you DID. Depend on those times. Because we are all survivors if we choose to be. We can do hard things because life is tough but so are you.

xoxo,
Bailey