For the past 3 days I have literally cried multiple times because of my current weight and body shape. I've been 110% devastated and humiliated by my body. I'm discouraged because I have been working out and eating healthier since January and there has been NO difference despite my daily efforts(I know there is some medical stuff I need to factor in but still). It's discouraging. I feel like I am doing all the right things and I can NOT lose weight. So i'm frustrated and depressed about it and having a really hard time with loving myself right now. Just the facts.
Then yesterday a light bulb went off when I was looking through pictures from my freshman year of college. I kept thinking to myself- "Wow. I can't believe I used to think I was fat back then! I would give anything to look like that again! I had such a cute figure but I remember I was never happy with how I looked. I really truly thought I was so fat!" Do you guys do that!? Look through old pictures and remember thinking how fat you were and now realizing you WERE NOT any of those negative thoughts you had about yourself? UGH.
And then I realized- I HAVE NEVER BEEN HAPPY WITH MY BODY EVER. Even when I was 125 pounds I thought I was fat. And i bet that even if I was at my "goal" weight and had the body I wanted right now, I probably still wouldn't even be happy with myself. Because ultimately it's not just my body that I need to change- IT'S MY MINDSET. Because I feel like even if I looked how I wished I look and weighed what I wished I weighed I would STILL find more and more things to pick out and try and change about myself and would still be unhappy. So right now I need to try to find happiness, balance, and confidence in my NOW. Not just my "future". And chances are- so do you.
Because if we can't do that, we are going to continue to be unhappy with our bodies for the rest of our freaking lives. And I don't want that and I bet you don't either. I've spent most of my life being very uncomfortable in my own skin. Even when I shouldn't have been. I've missed out on a lot of happy & loving thoughts to go towards myself because I've spent most of it tearing myself down and being disappointed. Raise your hand if ya feel me?
It's truly terrible how hard we are on ourselves. And how we feel like we can only be happy if we
are a size 0, weigh 120 pounds, big boobs have a thigh gap and a 6 pack. THAT IS NOT TRUE. It's good to have goals and to want to be our best selves! TOTALLY. Life is all about progression.But it's definitely not okay to despise ourselves when we haven't reached those goals. It's not okay to tell ourselves how fat and unloveable we are. It's not okay to hate ourselves and our bodies. No matter the current shape or size.
So what do we do? How do we change this mindset? How do we change hatred into love?
There probably 1000 answers to these questions but here are some of my own that I think will be a good starting point for me-and maybe it will be a good place for you to start too!
+I need to realize that the first thought that someone has about me is probably NOT about my weight.
+I need to realize that my body does not define me, my actions and words do.
+I need to not be so judgmental of myself because chances are, people are not being as judgmental to me as I think they are.
+I need to realize I am trying my hardest and give myself credit for the hard work I have been doing to become a healthier me this year even though I haven't gotten the results I've wanted. I'm very quick to criticize myself and very slow to compliment myself.
+I need to be okay and ACCEPT that I need to go up a pant size because it's more important for me to feel comfortable in the clothes I am wearing than try and wear something tight and uncomfortable just because of the number on the tag
+It's okay to buy cute clothes right now, even though i'm not the size I would like be. It's important to still feel pretty. And I can still feel pretty even when I'm not as skinny as I would like to be.
+Feeding myself negative thoughts and words is only going to hurt me and make me more depressed. I need to try and only tell myself things that I would tell my sisters! And those would be positive and uplifting things!
+I need to accept where I am at in my weight loss journey now and know I have done my best. My best is literally all I can do.
xoxo
Bailey
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