it's all right it's all right it's all right

I truly believe that time heals everything. That the key to healing is taking small steps in the right direction. Because when you are broken or struggling, it's easy to think that it's going to last forever. That you will never be happy or normal again. Because I know I have felt that way in the past as I do right now. And right now I have to keep reminding myself, and having my husband remind me of that. That trials don't last forever. That the pain and anxiety and struggle I am having right now won't last forever. That it just takes time. And I think the thing that matters the most is the fact that we are all TRYING. That we aren't giving up. That you are doing your best even if your best isn't what you would like it to be. I believe that healing takes time and that there is a reason for that. That there is a reason we go through trials, not necessarily that they were "supposed" to happen, or that "everything happens for a reason" but in general- we go through trials to grow. To learn. To fight. To survive. And that that is the reason we have them. They aren't there to define us. My mental illness does not define me. It is a trial I am having right now.

December was probably one of the hardest months of my entire life. Anxiety just kind of settled into my life like a long lost friend that I couldn't get rid of. My medically triggered anxiety transitioned to Agoraphobia. It's like I don't even know who I am anymore, and that's scary. I HATE that. Because I don't want this to be me. I don't want to be terrified of going anywhere without my husband. I don't want to struggle going to work. I don't want to be on the verge of a panic attack when we are just hanging out with friends and family. I don't want to be on edge 24/7 and unable to find peace unless I am at my own home. It's a vicious cycle. And I don't expect anyone to understand unless they have truly had a panic attack and real anxiety. This might seem like I am exaggerating, or that I just need to suck it up and get over it, or that I am just really stressed- NO.  My heart truly goes out to other people who have suffered with this extent of anxiety or agoraphobia for lengths of time. I have struggled for a month and it is paralyzing and debilitating. I can't imagine having this be apart of my everyday life. Right now I just can't function like myself. And I've accepted it, but I haven't accepted that that is how my life is always going to be. Because that's not me and I refuse to let this anxiety take over my life. I am going to get through it, over time, because I have faith that I can.  Even though sometimes it doesn't seem like it will end and that I will ever be able to go into public by myself again, or that I will be able to sit and have a conversation with someone without feeling the need to run away. I have to have faith that I will be able to shake this.

I will say that through all this my eyes have been opened to a new perspective. That you truly don't know what other people are going through. At all. I can't imagine people feeling the way that I do everyday.  And I'm not saying that in a self pity type of way AT ALL.  It just makes me wonder who else around me struggles like this, or even worse. If the person next to me at the grocery store is struggling to stand there,  even though they don't have a reason to be anxious, that jus getting out of bed was hard for them that day. You never know. You don't know why people do what they do. And you don't know what people have fully been through to bring them to the point in their life that they are at now. That we can't judge. And we can't assume. We just can't. That we should forgive and love, because that is what is important. That self love is so important. That I need to focus on myself right now and not be ashamed for being selfish. That I need to get help from a counselor to try and help my thoughts even though I want to just do this by myself- I CANT. That I need to focus on my health and becoming stronger- physically, mentally, and emotionally. That I need to cling to God and Christ. Submit my will to theres because I clearly don't know what to do at this point in my life. I know that through Christ I can do all things. And that HE is the only person who knows what I am going through. And that He won't leave me comfortless but that He will require me to push through things and grow. That He knows what is best and that He is cheering me on and WANTS me to be okay again too. But If He just took this suffering way from me, I wouldn't be changed. I wouldn't transition and grow as much as I know I will.

I am open about this because I feel like I need to be right now. I feel like I need to be real and to not be ashamed of my mental illness. I feel like if there is even 1 person that can relate to me, that can read my words and know what i am talking about, that can get hope from my experiences- that's worth it to me. That if someone who knows someone with a mental illness like this can have a little bit more compassion or get insight on how to understand them better- that's worth it to me. Because I wish growing up I had someone I could talk to about what I was going through besides my parents. I wish I had someone that would have understood. Someone who could have empathized with me and given me hope and helped me to understand anxiety better. That would have been nice.

 I haven't "overcome" it and I haven't "gotten through it" so that's why this time is different. I'm writing about it as I go. To look back and see my progress. To see how my thoughts and perspectives will change. So that one day, if this ever happens again, I will KNOW without a doubt that I can get through it. So that maybe i won't be as scared and worried as I am right now. That maybe I will believe that everything will be all right.

xoxo
Bailey

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