I want to share it because:
+I know there are so many people out there who struggle with it. Who need someone to relate to. To know that they aren't alone. And that's a HUGE thing for me because most of my life I've felt so alone because of it.
+I want people to know they can talk to me about it! That they can share their story with me, or get hope or understanding from mine.
+I want people to know that mental illness isn't this taboo or unreal thing.
+I'm selfish and I hope that there's someone out there who will reach out to me to help me through this sucky phase
+ I just feel like I need to be real and open about this. Simple as that.
I don't want to share it because:
+ I don't want people to think that I am asking for pity, or that I'm trying to get attention and sympathy.
+It's not always easy to talk about and I don't want people to judge me or misunderstand things I say. + I don't want people to think of me as "Bailey, that one girl who has anxiety" in a negative way.
+ I don't want people to look at me as someone who complains or just talks about negative things and is a hot mess.
But this is my blog and for some reason my posts about anxiety and struggles seem to be the ones that get the most views, by A LOT. I don't know why that is but I think we like to know we aren't alone. I think anxiety isn't a subject a lot of people are open about- which is totally okay- and that people just like to hear about my experiences with it. Either to relate to it, learn from it, or just out of curiosity. But really I think our souls crave knowing that other people struggle to. And I'm struggling, obviously.
The hardest part about my anxiety right now is that I have to WORK HARD every single day. Every single day is a battle. Every single day is hard. Honestly. And i'm just getting so tired of it. "Tired of it" as in I'm so fed up. And "tired of it" as in I'm exhausted. I'm tired of LIFE being HARD. That just living, doing normal everyday things, are HARD right now. It's honestly so discouraging. Don't get me wrong- I've seen a lot of progress in the past month. If you would've told me I would be where I am right now 4 weeks ago I wouldn't have believed it. Not one bit. So i'm not discrediting myself because I am an entirely different person now. And I am so grateful I am getting better and slowly healing. But I'm so hard on myself and I just thought this would magically go away. That's the truth. I really thought once my medication kicked int, and I went to counseling, and made all my positive life changes that it would just stop and I would go back to normal. For whatever reason it just hasn't. I got too hopeful because of how much better I was feeling. I was feeling more and more normal and it got me so happy and so excited, which is a good thing. But I thought it would be this awesome, constant, uphill. And just on Wednesday I went through an entire day of work without taking one of my "emergency anxiety" pills. A WHOLE DAY OF WORK. I was so pumped. That morning I wasn't even anxious, so much that I didn't even think of anxiety once that morning. But then that night I had a panic attack. I hadn't had one of those since back in December. And each day since then hasn't been easy. I don't feel like it put me back at square 1, but it knocked me down. And it has me so discouraged.
It's hard to imagine myself ever being myself again. I HATE that. I HATE that anxiety is a hope crusher. I hate that it is such a MENTAL thing that is affecting my life so much. It's not something I can just go have surgery on and get it fixed. It's not something I can just pretend isn't there. It's not something I can just talk myself out of having. Like, that SUCKS. I think that is one of the worst things about mental illness. The part where I seem normal. And i'm expected to be normal and act normal. Because you can't see it. Someone who has a broken leg, you can SEE it. You KNOW they are probably in pain, that they probably can't walk, that they probably need to take things slow, that they have limitations for right now, but that eventually they will be okay. Well my brain is broken right now. But no one can see it and no one can understand it and no one really knows how to help me. And I just feel stuck.
I have to hold on to the fact that I was getting better. That I have made progress. That I am doing better and I have more tools and ways to cope. I get that, and good for me. But I guess I just really hoped it would magically go away. That after 2 months of misery and pain and anguish that it would get better and go away. I thought these past 2 months would just be this weird flukey thing and my anxiety would just go back to how my old anxiety was which was manageable. But this week showed me that it's probably not doing to be like that. Which sucks. And that's hard for me to accept. It's hard for me to accept that my life is like this right now. Because I am a strong person and I don't like to be weak. But I am right now. I am weak and fragile. And I have to accept that healing isn't linear.... it's ups and downs and spins and twists. Even though I hate that. This really is just going to be a journey. I know I need to be more patient and more loving towards myself but mental illness is so darn frustrating. But I promise to keep fighting. I'm Bailey, that one girl who has anxiety, but I'm an anxiety warrior.
xoxo
Bailey
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