Something has happened that a few months ago I never would've imagined- I am starting to feel more like myself. Back in January I really thought I was stuck, and that I would never be happy again, normal again, and able to function again. I don't think people realize how SERIOUS I am being when I say that. I was at my lowest of lows and I thought I was stuck. I didn't know HOW I got to that point in my life and so I didn't know how to fix it. It was unreal the things I was experiencing and it all just hit me like a ton of red bricks and I was helpless. I'm not sure anyone can really understand unless they've been there. I wasn't suicidal, wasn't super depressed- but I was terrified. It's a scary thing when everyday normal life becomes a challenge to get through every single day and you know other people can't relate and that you are kind of in this on your own. I had people to support me, I had people to help, but really no one TRULY knew what I was going through.
These past few months I worked HARD, freaking HARD to try and get better, healthier, happier. And it's been a lot of work but it's starting to pay off. The BIGGEST thing that has helped me through all of this has been Counseling. It has changed my life. I don't think I would have been able to do HALF of the things that I did this last month if it wouldn't have been for therapy. And my husband and my family (obviously) to help push me and motivate me and keep me positive. Here is and update of what I have been able to do since I last blogged at the beginning of February. These are all tasks I wouldn't have even THOUGHT of doing back in January that I've accomplished-
+went to walmart by myself for 10 minutes to exchange something
+went to a few boutiques by myself for a few minutes
+was able to go to some families house without my husband and didn't feel like i was going to have a panic attack
+i walked into a store by myself while my husband parked the car
+i was able to go get a few groceries by myself while my husband was in another part of the store
+i drove longer than 40 minutes by myself
+went to a dr appointment by myself
+started selling LipSense
+started going to therapy by myself and eventually wasn't anxious every single time
+started being able to go to church without having constant anxiety every single time
+started being able to go to work without constant anxiety (but had to make a lot of adjustments to get to that point)
+i was able to go to a friends house without having a panic attack (still was very anxious though)
+ i went on a run by myself (right by my house but that was still an improvement)
+didn't have to back out of as many things as I did november-february
+got to a point where i finally let my husband and I plan for our Hawaii trip (still very anxious about it though)
+the most recent one- I went to the gym ALL BY MYSELF
Crazy how simple some of those tasks seem but those have been serious HUGE milestones for me. Some of them sound so silly, and probably hard to understand why those would've been hard for me, but they were. This is what I LITERALLY thought back in January-
+i would not be able to have kids because of my anxiety
+i would have to quit my job because of my anxiety
+my husband wasn't going to want to be married of me because of my anxiety
+i was going to lose all my friends because of my anxiety because i wouldn't be able to leave my house
+we were never gong to be able to go to hawaii or ANYWHERE because of my anxiety
+i would never be able to go grocery shopping on my own(still haven't but I'm working towards it)
+i would always be anxious everyday for the rest of my life
+i wouldn't be able to exercise or go to the gym ever again
+i would have to just stay in my house all day everyday
THAT IS NOT HOW I THINK ANYMORE. THAT IS NOT ME ANYMORE. MY ANXIETY IS NOT ME ANYMORE. I have it, yes. I struggle with it, yes. I've come to grips that it's going to be a long battle, but I am FUNCTIONING better than I thought I ever would. Doing things I never would've imagined. I'm coming back to myself. Things are still difficult for me today. My comfort zone is still pretty small. I still can't do everything on my own and still can't wrap my mind around a few things, but I've made progress. A LOT of progress. Back in January I would've rated my overall wellness a solid 2/10 and now at the end of March I would give it a 7/10. Working towards that 10/10! It is possible to have anxiety AND live a happy life.
xox
Bailey
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