I used to be adventurous.
I used to go with the flow.
I used to love crowds.
I used to love to be the center of attention.
I used to always be on the go and got out of my comfort zone often.
I used to have a lot of faith that everything happened for a reason.
I used to be braver.
I used to love parties and concerts.
I used to want to travel the world and be spontaneous and outgoing.
I remember in therapy over this last year- especially at the beginning I would always go back to saying things like:
"I used to be able to do it easily!
I used to not have these problems!
I used to ______ and _______ (insert above statements)
I just want to be how I was!"
And that was my goal. To get back to how I was. That's what I truly wanted. To be the old Bailey. Who was "normal" and didn't have high stress and debilitating anxiety. The one who was always described as outgoing, happy, and fun. The one who hiked Mount Timp and went on a cruise to Mexico with friends and loved concerts and parties and went long boarding at 2am. But no matter how hard I tried to deny it, my struggles and trials this last year changed me. Simple as that. And looking back, how did I expect myself NOT to change? That's what this whole year was for me- CHANGE and TRANSFORMATION.
For a while after I realized this, I was sad. Like really really sad and in a way I almost was mourning for my old self. I felt defeated and like I didn't know who I was anymore. Because if I wasn't the old Bailey, how could I feel like myself? I didn't want to be different. I felt lost. Because some of my passions changed, my hobbies changed, the way I liked to spend my time changed, and things I enjoyed- they all changed. And it was weird and uncomfortable because the things that once were me just weren't anymore. The Bailey that was so care free and went with the flow and did not have super high stress levels and wanted to travel the world and have non stop adventure- she just wasn't 100% there anymore.
I kept wishing so badly my anxiety and stress would just go away and that I would be able to be who I once was. That my goals and things I wanted in life would be the same. I wished that I still wanted to go to Europe and New Zealand. And go back packing and hiking in various places around the US. And go on cruises and crazy amusement parks. And just experience so many things all over the world. But that just wasn't the case anymore. And that has been a hard adjustment for me. Adventure still sounds fun, but I might have to ease myself into it and do things differently to accommodate my anxiety. Nowadays I would rather do yoga and meditate and have my soul awakened that way. I would rather kick it with DJ Bed and McBlanky versus going to a concert or party. Now I really really like baths and I am obsessed with bath bombs haha. I enjoy comfy clothes instead of always dressing up. I like reading self help books rather than going to the mall. I SOUND SO OLD LOL. And things like- maybe only wanting 3 kids instead of the 6 I had always planned for. I've just had to make a lot of adjustments to be able to cope with life and find new ways for happiness.
Its just been recently that I've realized that all this is OKAY. And that me changing is OKAY. And that that girl I used to be hadn't gone through all the things I went through this last year. She didn't have a full time job, husband, real life bills, puppy, lots of pressures and responsibilities. And that girl did not have passion for self care. She didn't truly love herself. She didn't fully know herself. She didn't understand her limits and boundaries like I do now. And so it's okay that I have changed. It actually makes sense that I've changed. It's okay that I'm not that same girl. I'm sure there will be times when that side of me comes out and surprises me- but I'm just different now and that's okay.
xoxo
Bailey
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