She would always tell me how fat I was.
How no one thought I was pretty because of my thunder thighs and flabby belly.
She would tell me how my body made me so ugly.
How I could never be confident in who I was until I was a size 2.
She told me I was the "fat" friend.
That no boys would ever like me because I was so FAT.
How I should just starve myself because that was the only way I could get skinny.
That girl was me. To myself. For a large portion of my life. Those were the things I would tell myself when I looked in the mirror or tried on clothes at the store. I know I am not the only one who has struggled with this self hatred towards their own body so that's why I am sharing this and telling you how I am CHANGING THE GAME BIG TIME FOR ME. And how you can too!
A little more background on me and my body:
I remember one year in college I was so angry at myself for the 10 pounds I had gained I would look at myself in the mirror and say all the negative and mean things about my body I could come up with. Not only that but when I would eat food I would tell myself things like "do you know how many calories this is? you are so fat. this is going to make you fat. you shouldn't eat." When I would exercise I would continue to be negative and yell at myself for not being in shape. Not being skinny. And compare myself to anyone else who was smaller than me. I really thought that if I made myself feel bad enough about myself that maybe THEN I would have the motivation to really change.
I WAS SO WRONG. Those thoughts were not helping me ONE BIT. I've learned that the words you say and think impact your life SO much. On a HUGE level that many of us may not even realize. I was telling myself those negative things to much that my BODY was believing it and not changing no matter how much I worked out or ate healthy or went on crazy diets. All those nasty negative words were NOT making me skinnier, they were NOT making me more fit, more healthy more anything except for sad, depressed, and extremely self conscious.
Last year I gained a lot of weight- partially from the anxiety medication I started but mostly because my physical health was not a top priority. My mental health was. I maybe exercises on average 1-2x a week. I would go through phases where I was consistent and long periods where I wasn't. Not to mention I just didn't have energy, food was more of a comfort for me, I didn't have a lot of motivation and some days I just didn't have it in me. I know those are excuses, I accept that but I also know that I did what I could last year. And it was a year for taking care of myself mentally as best as I could. Trust me- I could sit here and be upset with myself and say all the things I "COULD HAVE" done. I could be mad at myself for letting myself get this unhealthy and out of shape. BUT then I would NOT be doing the things I worked SOOOOO hard at doing last year mentally including self love and self care and being kinder to myself.
SOOOOOO
Here is what I am NOT doing anymore:
I am NOT comparing myself to who I used to be, or anybody else.
I am not doing this to be skinny.
I am not doing this to be a smaller size and weight.
I am not focusing on what I am NOT.
Goodbye negative wording.
I AM changing literally EVERYTHING I have ever done to try and be fit and healthy. Partially because it obviously hasn't worked for me in the past and partially because I want this to be a form of self care and be sort of a reflection of many things I learned last year.
+I love self care SOOOOO much and so if I view exercise as taking care of myself and a way of loving myself I know I will make time for it.
+I am taking the word "skinnier" out of my vocal and changing it to "stronger/healthier".
+Instead of trying to be a certain number on the scale I am focusing on how many more sets or reps I can do.
+ Instead of telling myself "I'm still fat. I'll never be skinny. I hate how I look." I am telling myself "I am getting stronger. I am getting healthier. I can do this and I am grateful for the body I have and all that I CAN do!"
+Instead of making excuses of why I can't exercise that day, I am inviting myself to make the healthier choice that I will be grateful for after. But I am also allowing myself to make good judgements on days when I am exhausted or sick that it is okay to take a break and go walking or do yoga instead. That way I won't be negative or mad at myself because that won't help anything and is not loving myself.
+Instead of saying things like "this is so hard! i can't do this" when I am exercising I am being my biggest support system and telling myself "I can do this! I am so proud of myself for exercising today! I am one step closer to being healthier!" I did this today during my workout and noticed a big difference!!
To tell you a secret I started a top secret Instagram account for ME to document anything I want to and not have to worry about "cute and perfect" feed. Documenting everything that is making me healthier mind-body-spirit. Eventually maybe I'll be brave enough to share it with you all.
xox
bailey
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