not a cliche end of the year post but like kind of...

I used to be adventurous.
I used to go with the flow.
I used to love crowds.
I used to love to be the center of attention.
I used to always be on the go and got out of my comfort zone often.
I used to have a lot of faith that everything happened for  a reason.
I used to be braver.
I used to love parties and concerts.
I used to want to travel the world and be spontaneous and outgoing.

I remember in therapy over this last year- especially at the beginning I would always go back to saying things like:
"I used to be able to do it easily!
I used to not have these problems!
I used to ______ and _______ (insert above statements)
I just want to be how I was!"
And that was my goal. To get back to how I was. That's what I truly wanted. To be the old Bailey. Who was "normal" and didn't have high stress and debilitating anxiety. The one who was always described as outgoing, happy, and fun. The one who hiked Mount Timp and went on a cruise to Mexico with friends and loved concerts and parties and went long boarding at 2am.  But no matter how hard I tried to deny it, my struggles and trials this last year changed me. Simple as that. And looking back, how did I expect myself NOT to change? That's what this whole year was for me- CHANGE and TRANSFORMATION.

For a while after I realized this, I was sad. Like really really sad and in a way I almost was mourning for my old self. I felt defeated and like I didn't know who I was anymore. Because if I wasn't the old Bailey, how could I feel like myself? I didn't want to be different. I felt lost. Because some of my passions changed, my hobbies changed, the way I liked to spend my time changed, and things I enjoyed- they all changed. And it was weird and uncomfortable because the things that once were me just weren't anymore.  The Bailey that was so care free and went with the flow and did not have super high stress levels and wanted to travel the world and have non stop adventure- she just wasn't  100% there anymore.

I kept wishing so badly my anxiety and stress would just go away and that I would be able to be who I once was.  That my goals and things I wanted in life would be the same. I wished that I still wanted to go to Europe and New Zealand. And go back packing and hiking in various places around the US. And go on cruises and crazy amusement parks. And just experience so many things all over the world. But that just wasn't the case anymore. And that has been a hard adjustment for me. Adventure still sounds fun, but I might have to ease myself into it and do things differently to accommodate my anxiety. Nowadays I would rather do yoga and meditate and have my soul awakened that way. I would rather kick it with DJ Bed and McBlanky versus going to a concert or party. Now I really really like baths and I am obsessed with bath bombs haha. I enjoy comfy clothes instead of always dressing up. I like reading self help books rather than going to the mall. I SOUND SO OLD LOL. And things like- maybe only wanting 3 kids instead of the 6 I had always planned for. I've just had to make a lot of adjustments to be able to cope with life and find new ways for happiness.

Its just been recently that I've realized that all this is OKAY. And that me changing is OKAY. And that that girl I used to be hadn't gone through all the things I went through this last year.  She didn't have a full time job, husband, real life bills, puppy, lots of pressures and responsibilities. And that girl did not have passion for self care. She didn't truly love herself. She didn't fully know herself. She didn't understand her limits and boundaries like I do now. And so it's okay that I have changed. It actually makes sense that I've changed.  It's okay that I'm not that same girl. I'm sure there will be times when that side of me comes out and surprises me- but I'm just different now and that's okay.


xoxo
Bailey

Just A Glimpse of Darkness.

*this post may contain triggers for those struggling with mental illness  so please proceed with caution if you think it might affect you or skip down to where you see "++" and read from there on*

I'm feeling very inspired and I'm feeling that fire in my soul that's making me feel like I might have something important to say.  So here's some word vomit from yours truly while I open up and talk about things I never have before-- 

For those of you who have followed my story  this last year- thank you. Whether it was out of curiosity, because you could relate, because you truly cared- thank you. I hope you aren't at the point where you roll your eyes whenever you see me post. Ha. There's a lot that I haven't written about and a lot that I haven't shared. I don't like to FORCE myself to write. I don't like to FORCE myself to post. I have a HUGE list of posts in my mind that I want to write, but I believe they will be written at the right time. And today for whatever reason, I'm feeling the need to share. 

I have a lot of emotions inside of me right now and so I hope that my words can come out the way that I am feeling them. 

I get worried people will associate me with my mental illness and not the other parts that come from it. I worry people think of me as broken, or someone who wants attention, or someone who is calling out for help..... when what I hope to do is inspire and connect and that people can see my strength and my growth. 

Mental illness is a very personal and individual thing. Which makes it complicated. People have different triggers, experiences, reasons for why they are they way they are, coping strategies etc. Someone else with anxiety might not relate 10000% to the experiences with it I share. But despite all of that, I hope so badly that people will look at me as someone who "gets it". That someone will be able to connect with this mess I call my life. Because i truly believe that connections and relating to one another is a huge part about what life is about. So here's me sharing a part of my story I've left out because I've been scared to open up about it and can be a hard topic to discuss. 

I’ve never talked about this to anyone before- because i've never felt the need to, but here I am writing this now. There were a few times this last year battling my consuming anxiety disorder and panic attacks that I remember thinking questions like- “What’s the point of all this? What is the point of living every day when just living is HARD to do? Is it really going to get better? Is there really anyone who can understand the amount of pain, struggle, and darkness I feel? Is it even worth trying to get better because it doesn't seem like I ever will? What if this is going to be my life forever? If it is, I don’t want this. If it is, I don't want to live.” 

Not in the sense that I wanted to end my life, but that I lost all hope in WANTING to live. Because of the all consuming mental illness I was struggling with, life just didn't seem worth it to me. The way I felt, the lack of things I was able to do, that WASNT living. In those moments I understood a glimpse of WHY people get to the point where they want to take their own lives. I understood WHY people with severe mental health problems or people with extremely difficult trials and struggles head down that road. I felt it in those moments. The weight. The despair. The "whats the point?" I personally do not have a depression - BUT there were EXTREMELY depressing moments during this time. Time when depression crept in and sucked all the happiness and joy out of me like a freaking dementor (harry potter fans heyyy).  

Those thoughts luckily did not consume me all day every day, they didn't make me suicidal- but I remember that terrifying helplessness. I remember the darkness that came with those questions. The heart break. The emptiness. It made me have extreme compassion and sympathy for people that ARE suicidal and that DO struggle with those thoughts on a daily basis or for periods of time. That is HEAVY stuff. And it broke my heart. Seeing into that little window of ultimate despair. The one where it showed me that LIFE CAN BE SO HARD TO THE POINT THAT SEEMS LIKE ITS NOT WORTH LIVING BECAUSE THATS THE ONLY WAY TO ESCAPE THAT HURT AND THAT PAIN. Just for a little while I feel like my eyes were opened to a whole different kind of pain. And it was heartbreaking.  How heartbreaking that mental illness can make people feel this way. How life shattering that your own mind becomes your worst enemy.

I NEVER got to the point where that despair and depression and thoughts were all consuming. But I do remember how broken I felt when those questions would cross my mind.  Those thoughts would come and go as I’m sure it does with many other mental illnesses.  Mental illness can seem hopeless. It can seem like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. It can seem like no one cares because its as though no one can understand. It can seem pointless to keep trying. It can seem like a never ending road of pain. I get that. But I truly truly truly believe no one is so broken  and damaged, and shattered that they can't be helped. I believe no one can be so far gone that they can't find light again in their life. I believe no one can be so overcome by sadness and hopelessness and despair that they don't have any more options. I believe in the words DON'T GIVE UP, KEEP GOING, YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS. 

++There is ALWAYS options. There is ALWAYS help. There is ALWAYS something. There is ALWAYS hope. ALWAYS. There are SO SO many resources and things that can help struggling, heart  broken, shattered people. 

I'm not saying its easy to find what works for you. It might take a while to get there and to find those answers, but I know that everyone can. I know because I've seen a glimpse of that darkness. I know because I felt broken and like there was no way I could ever feel like myself again. I know because I had to try and try and try and try and just take it a day at a time until eventually I could look back and see the ways I was changing. See the ways I was becoming something new, something better, something changed, something happier, something transformed. 

It's worth it to just keep taking that next step. Even if it is just a baby step. 

xoxo

Bailey

**I am not a Dr and if you or someone you love is experiencing suicidal thoughts, struggling with anxiety, struggling with depression or another mental illness SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP. See a Dr, see a specialist, get on medication, get into counseling and THEN try other options- meditation, yoga, self help books, spiritual leaders, other internet resources. HELP IS THERE. You don't have to do things all by yourself.**

My Letter of Gratitude to Anxiety.

Photo cred: Honeyseed Photography

For the past 2 days I have been working on my Solar Plexus Chakra. This chakra deals with your skin, pancreas, digestive tract, liver, and nervous system; personal power, self esteem etc. I was challenged to write a letter of gratitude to my biggest trial and to find PURPOSE in my trial. This is not going to be easy, and I've been putting it off for the past 2 days, but I know that's exactly why I needed to do it.

You probably already know who the culprit of my biggest trial is right now- ANXIETY. So here goes my gratitude letter to anxiety:

Dear Anxiety,
You have taught me a number of things in this past year that I am so grateful to have learned. You have pushed me beyond the limits I thought I could handle. You have made me break so I could become stronger. You have given me power in ways I never knew I had and ways I never knew you could.  You have brought me to my lowest of lows so I could CHANGE.

You have taught me. Taught me that I can do harder things than I think I can. That I can never fully be broken because I always find away to mend myself. That I can come out on top of the hardest moments of my life. You have taught me that I do not have control of everything, and that I need to be okay with that. That I need HELP to get through this life and that I can't do everything on my own.  You have taught me to take care of myself.

You have pushed me. You have pushed me down a life changing path. A path off self care, self love, and self worth. You have pushed me towards meditation, yoga, chakras, and self help books. You have pushed me towards being healthy mind, body, spirit. You have pushed me to turn to God. Pushed me to break so I could learn how to mend myself. Pushed me to take care of myself every single day.

You have made me strong. Stronger than I ever was before. Stronger mentally. Stronger from the  most overwhelming and difficult times so that I had to find a way to get through it. Stronger so I could learn to ask for help and so I  connect with people. Stronger so that I can recognize small victories every single day. Stronger so I know when to take a break and do things for myself.

You have given me power. Power to pick myself up off the ground when you become debilitating and my worst enemy. Power to know my limits and say no when I need to. Power to know myself and understand myself more than I ever thought possible.

So thank you. Thank you for pushing me to become the person I am now- no FORCING me. The person that knows her worth. The person that is extra grateful for life. The person that wants to help others that have to deal with you so that they can learn how to be grateful for you to. I never knew I would or could get to this point of gratitude, but now after all of this I am grateful.

xo
Bailey

my late night honest thoughts about my anxiety

I try to be as open and honest with people about my anxiety as I can be. I don't sugar coat things and I don't exaggerate. I try to say what's on my mind and I try to paint a picture. To show people who don't personally experience anxiety how real it is. To show people who do personally experience anxiety THAT they aren't alone. To show people that everyone has their own personal struggles and trials they are dealing with. To show people that you can do hard things. You can survive the deep & dark.
Cause that's what mental illness is. The deep & dark. I don't think I would've ever called it that until now. The anxiety that I dealt with when I was growing up was hard-- but for different reasons. Back then it was anxiety. Now it is anxiety AND a panic disorder.
Back then  it was hard because no one talked about mental illness. It was hard because no one talked about anxiety. It was hard because I was put on medication when I was 10 years old and that was it!! No counseling services were offered. No follow ups were offered. No programs or reading material was offered. NOTHING! I was put on medication and that was that. I took my pills every night and I don't remember much about experiencing anxiety until middle school.
 In middle school when things got hard for me I had my parents to turn to but that was it. And to be honest I don't know if I was 100% iron and honest with them because I was so SCARED and didn't think they would understand! I didn't think they would be able to help me because I couldn't always describe my thoughts! I never full 100% opened up to anyone about the things that went through my mind and the constant worry I had and the panic attacks. And it was t until High School that I really got a grip on things and loved a mostly normal life. Anxiety didn't control my life and I got to experience so many awesome things that I'm grateful for.
But now? Anxiety &  this new panic disorder  is my deep & dark. And even though there are people who experience it and there are more people who are open about it, I still feel so alone. I've yet to meet someone who has experience similiar things to me. I've yet to hear or read about someone who has panic attacks that are like mine. I've yet to find someone who GETS me on that kind of a level.
It's hard. Going at it alone. I have friends, family, and a therapist that help me and support me, but sometimes it's just plain HARD. But I can do it & im getting through it, and if you feel this same way about your situation just know that you can get through it no matter how alone you feel.
And I get so frustrated with myself. It's hard knowing I "should" be/think/feel one way and I just CANT. It's hard when simple/normal things are difficult to do. It's hard when I can't explain myself to people or when people don't even try to understand or take me seriously. It's hard when I got to several different doctors and I can't find one that I feel like really takes me seriously, or explains things correctly, or is doing what's best for ME and not  just my symptoms/diagnosis.
It's hard but I'm SURVIVING. I'm not going to give up. I've come a really long way from where I was at mentally back in November. I'm accomplishing so many things I never would have dreamed of. I am learning to exist and live and function WITH my anxiety. My anxiety isn't going away completely, but I'm managing it better than I ever could have imagined. And I'm so grateful for where I am right now. Oddly, grateful for this healing journey because I've learned more about myself and life than I would've otherwise. I'm not glad or happy about what I've gone through, but I'm grateful.
And I really want to raise awareness about mental illness. And I really want to make a difference. And I really want to keep getting better & stronger. And I really want to find a state of mind that can accept anxiety 100% and be willing to live with it and live through it happily.

Xoxo
Bailey

On my mind.

I think the hardest part about having my anxiety/panic disorder has been learning to live WITH it rather than running AWAY from it. It's not easy. But now when the panic attacks set in, I am able to better get through them rather than completely shutting down & passing out. They still suck. They still are the worst thing ever. They still feel like hell, but I can function better.  I've had to see small victories as huge ones. I've had to work HARD EVERY SINGLE DAY to even feel HALF normal and to be able to function! That's been a weird transition and a hard one to accept. Im not glad I went through what I went through during November - February. Everyone says eventually you will be grateful for your trials, but this one I'm not. Those were the worst and darkest months of my life. Emotionally I hit rock bottom. And I truly did not even imagine being able to HEAL. I thought it was impossible. I thougt I was stuck. I don't know WHY I went through what I did and I hope I never have to experience it again. I learned a lot, and I grew a lot, but I didn't want to have to do it that way. But I've been trying to accept it. And I'm so glad I'm slowly getting better. To be honest I don't know what made the biggest difference in this healing process. I don't know what of the hundreds of things I did to CHANGE and GROW made the biggest difference. I think a huge thing was TRYING. CONSTANTLY to get better. Doing everything I could and trying anything I could think of to try and get even a small amount of relief. It's funny cause now when I have anxious moments and bad days I get so devastated, when a few months ago those would've been considered my good days cause things were so rough. I definitely have a different perspective & feel like I have a completely different mental state than I used to. I don't know why I'm writing this post exactly or why I open up so much  but I feel like there's still not enough mental illness awareness out there. I feel like things are taken too lightly. I feel like people use the words "anxiety" and "anxious" and "panic attack" way too loosely. I feel like it's hard for people to truly understand, and so I try to be as real and as honest as I can to paint even a little bit of a picture for others. I am a happy person, I have a lot of friends, I like doing normal things, I probably seem like I have a lot of my life together- so that's why I'm speaking out and sharing things that make me uncomfortable and make me feel vulnerable.

 I'm not done with this healing journey, but I'm on the uphill and count myself to be one of the lucky ones.
Xoxo Bailey

it's all right it's all right it's all right

I truly believe that time heals everything. That the key to healing is taking small steps in the right direction. Because when you are broken or struggling, it's easy to think that it's going to last forever. That you will never be happy or normal again. Because I know I have felt that way in the past as I do right now. And right now I have to keep reminding myself, and having my husband remind me of that. That trials don't last forever. That the pain and anxiety and struggle I am having right now won't last forever. That it just takes time. And I think the thing that matters the most is the fact that we are all TRYING. That we aren't giving up. That you are doing your best even if your best isn't what you would like it to be. I believe that healing takes time and that there is a reason for that. That there is a reason we go through trials, not necessarily that they were "supposed" to happen, or that "everything happens for a reason" but in general- we go through trials to grow. To learn. To fight. To survive. And that that is the reason we have them. They aren't there to define us. My mental illness does not define me. It is a trial I am having right now.

December was probably one of the hardest months of my entire life. Anxiety just kind of settled into my life like a long lost friend that I couldn't get rid of. My medically triggered anxiety transitioned to Agoraphobia. It's like I don't even know who I am anymore, and that's scary. I HATE that. Because I don't want this to be me. I don't want to be terrified of going anywhere without my husband. I don't want to struggle going to work. I don't want to be on the verge of a panic attack when we are just hanging out with friends and family. I don't want to be on edge 24/7 and unable to find peace unless I am at my own home. It's a vicious cycle. And I don't expect anyone to understand unless they have truly had a panic attack and real anxiety. This might seem like I am exaggerating, or that I just need to suck it up and get over it, or that I am just really stressed- NO.  My heart truly goes out to other people who have suffered with this extent of anxiety or agoraphobia for lengths of time. I have struggled for a month and it is paralyzing and debilitating. I can't imagine having this be apart of my everyday life. Right now I just can't function like myself. And I've accepted it, but I haven't accepted that that is how my life is always going to be. Because that's not me and I refuse to let this anxiety take over my life. I am going to get through it, over time, because I have faith that I can.  Even though sometimes it doesn't seem like it will end and that I will ever be able to go into public by myself again, or that I will be able to sit and have a conversation with someone without feeling the need to run away. I have to have faith that I will be able to shake this.

I will say that through all this my eyes have been opened to a new perspective. That you truly don't know what other people are going through. At all. I can't imagine people feeling the way that I do everyday.  And I'm not saying that in a self pity type of way AT ALL.  It just makes me wonder who else around me struggles like this, or even worse. If the person next to me at the grocery store is struggling to stand there,  even though they don't have a reason to be anxious, that jus getting out of bed was hard for them that day. You never know. You don't know why people do what they do. And you don't know what people have fully been through to bring them to the point in their life that they are at now. That we can't judge. And we can't assume. We just can't. That we should forgive and love, because that is what is important. That self love is so important. That I need to focus on myself right now and not be ashamed for being selfish. That I need to get help from a counselor to try and help my thoughts even though I want to just do this by myself- I CANT. That I need to focus on my health and becoming stronger- physically, mentally, and emotionally. That I need to cling to God and Christ. Submit my will to theres because I clearly don't know what to do at this point in my life. I know that through Christ I can do all things. And that HE is the only person who knows what I am going through. And that He won't leave me comfortless but that He will require me to push through things and grow. That He knows what is best and that He is cheering me on and WANTS me to be okay again too. But If He just took this suffering way from me, I wouldn't be changed. I wouldn't transition and grow as much as I know I will.

I am open about this because I feel like I need to be right now. I feel like I need to be real and to not be ashamed of my mental illness. I feel like if there is even 1 person that can relate to me, that can read my words and know what i am talking about, that can get hope from my experiences- that's worth it to me. That if someone who knows someone with a mental illness like this can have a little bit more compassion or get insight on how to understand them better- that's worth it to me. Because I wish growing up I had someone I could talk to about what I was going through besides my parents. I wish I had someone that would have understood. Someone who could have empathized with me and given me hope and helped me to understand anxiety better. That would have been nice.

 I haven't "overcome" it and I haven't "gotten through it" so that's why this time is different. I'm writing about it as I go. To look back and see my progress. To see how my thoughts and perspectives will change. So that one day, if this ever happens again, I will KNOW without a doubt that I can get through it. So that maybe i won't be as scared and worried as I am right now. That maybe I will believe that everything will be all right.

xoxo
Bailey

images via pinterest

surviving through the deep and dark.

"you get to a point where it starts to feel okay to feel again,
and the midnight air doesn't suffocate you,
and the sky doesn't seem to hang so low anymore,
and if i would've told myself this a month ago,
that it'd all be okay,
i wouldn't have believed it,
but here i am,
standing in the middle of a forest with no one around for miles and a miles,
and i do not feel alone."
-m.k.


I used to love words. Not even just love them, but I was passionate about them. If I read something that intrigued me- it captured me. I felt like I was apart of it- and it was apart of me, and I had to write it down. To keep it forever, so i don't forget. To try and hold onto that feeling that I felt in that moment.  Words would literally make me feel alive. Writing them, reading them, creating them. And for the first time in a long time, this poem did that for me today. My soul feels awake. And I wrote this poem down. And I wish I could take what I feel inside right now and give a piece of it to all of you so you could understand how real this is for me. Because this poem is me. And i've been away for a while. Trying to rebuild myself from a long dark road of anxiety and depression. Because it broke me. More broken than I've ever been before. And i'm not going to be dramatic but I'm not going to sugar coat it either because that's not being real, and I'm being real.

I used to be able to write about pain. I used to be able to turn my dark feelings inside of me into words. It was an escape.  I was turning something dark into something beautiful. And I think that's why I love words so much. And honestly, I love honest- real- true- broken- dark- unedited words. Because we all feel that way sometimes. At least, in my mind I think we do. That at some point we all feel broken down and lost. But no one likes to talk about it. No one likes to talk about their true feelings because of what ifs. What if people will judge me? What if no one understands? What if I open up and no one can respond to it how I hope it would? What if no one takes me seriously? What if I am alone? What if I'm a lost cause?

And I couldn't handle the way I was feeling. I couldn't get myself to write it down. I couldn't get myself to speak about it. I couldn't get myself to come to grips with how I was really feeling. Because it was terrifying. And if I spoke about it, wrote about it, talked about it that would be making it real. And I didn't want it to be real anymore. I didn't want to have the crippling anxiety and the devastating depression. I didn't want to be that person. I wanted the person who I used to be but I literally could NOT get to her. No matter how I wanted to be myself, no matter how I wanted to do the things I used to do and say the things I used to say and think the things I used to think I COULD NOT. Because I was broken and the only one that could put myself back together was me and I did not know where all the pieces were hiding. I searched for them, I did, but they were hidden for so long. Almost an entire year of not knowing who you were to the realest and truest interpretation of that.

I think we don't like to talk about how we feel sometimes, because we don't want to take the chance of opening up and not being able to find someone who feels like we feel. That we won't be able to find someone who has the same soul as us. Someone who knows your pain because at one point it was their own. It's scary. But recently I have realized that sometimes that's what we all need. To have someone be brave enough to open up and be raw and say the things that we already think. To scream out the insecurities and worries and thoughts that we all have had at some point. To say the words that you have lived through. And survived. Because we are humans and we have to survive. Everything we do in this life is to survive. And when you get to the point where survival isn't important to you and you can't survive- what then. So, we survive. And hope that others choose to survive. And we live our lives surviving for ourselves and surviving to help others and to influence others survival.

So- if you're at a point in your life where you feel like you can't get through it. That the pain is endless. That the anxiety is unmanageable. That life is too harsh and too dark. That the depression has taken over your life and become who you are. That you truly believe you can't get back to happiness and hope and who you were at one point- or who you want to be. You can. And you might not believe it  now, but you literally CAN. And sometime you just have to wait. Because time heals. Eventually something clicks. Eventually you find what you need. And you rebuild yourself. Even if it is from ground 0, you rebuild and keep building and never stop. And if you don't get to that point you keep trying. And down the road, think of all the times you didn't think you could make it through. And you DID. Depend on those times. Because we are all survivors if we choose to be. We can do hard things because life is tough but so are you.

xoxo,
Bailey