not a cliche end of the year post but like kind of...

I used to be adventurous.
I used to go with the flow.
I used to love crowds.
I used to love to be the center of attention.
I used to always be on the go and got out of my comfort zone often.
I used to have a lot of faith that everything happened for  a reason.
I used to be braver.
I used to love parties and concerts.
I used to want to travel the world and be spontaneous and outgoing.

I remember in therapy over this last year- especially at the beginning I would always go back to saying things like:
"I used to be able to do it easily!
I used to not have these problems!
I used to ______ and _______ (insert above statements)
I just want to be how I was!"
And that was my goal. To get back to how I was. That's what I truly wanted. To be the old Bailey. Who was "normal" and didn't have high stress and debilitating anxiety. The one who was always described as outgoing, happy, and fun. The one who hiked Mount Timp and went on a cruise to Mexico with friends and loved concerts and parties and went long boarding at 2am.  But no matter how hard I tried to deny it, my struggles and trials this last year changed me. Simple as that. And looking back, how did I expect myself NOT to change? That's what this whole year was for me- CHANGE and TRANSFORMATION.

For a while after I realized this, I was sad. Like really really sad and in a way I almost was mourning for my old self. I felt defeated and like I didn't know who I was anymore. Because if I wasn't the old Bailey, how could I feel like myself? I didn't want to be different. I felt lost. Because some of my passions changed, my hobbies changed, the way I liked to spend my time changed, and things I enjoyed- they all changed. And it was weird and uncomfortable because the things that once were me just weren't anymore.  The Bailey that was so care free and went with the flow and did not have super high stress levels and wanted to travel the world and have non stop adventure- she just wasn't  100% there anymore.

I kept wishing so badly my anxiety and stress would just go away and that I would be able to be who I once was.  That my goals and things I wanted in life would be the same. I wished that I still wanted to go to Europe and New Zealand. And go back packing and hiking in various places around the US. And go on cruises and crazy amusement parks. And just experience so many things all over the world. But that just wasn't the case anymore. And that has been a hard adjustment for me. Adventure still sounds fun, but I might have to ease myself into it and do things differently to accommodate my anxiety. Nowadays I would rather do yoga and meditate and have my soul awakened that way. I would rather kick it with DJ Bed and McBlanky versus going to a concert or party. Now I really really like baths and I am obsessed with bath bombs haha. I enjoy comfy clothes instead of always dressing up. I like reading self help books rather than going to the mall. I SOUND SO OLD LOL. And things like- maybe only wanting 3 kids instead of the 6 I had always planned for. I've just had to make a lot of adjustments to be able to cope with life and find new ways for happiness.

Its just been recently that I've realized that all this is OKAY. And that me changing is OKAY. And that that girl I used to be hadn't gone through all the things I went through this last year.  She didn't have a full time job, husband, real life bills, puppy, lots of pressures and responsibilities. And that girl did not have passion for self care. She didn't truly love herself. She didn't fully know herself. She didn't understand her limits and boundaries like I do now. And so it's okay that I have changed. It actually makes sense that I've changed.  It's okay that I'm not that same girl. I'm sure there will be times when that side of me comes out and surprises me- but I'm just different now and that's okay.


xoxo
Bailey

Just A Glimpse of Darkness.

*this post may contain triggers for those struggling with mental illness  so please proceed with caution if you think it might affect you or skip down to where you see "++" and read from there on*

I'm feeling very inspired and I'm feeling that fire in my soul that's making me feel like I might have something important to say.  So here's some word vomit from yours truly while I open up and talk about things I never have before-- 

For those of you who have followed my story  this last year- thank you. Whether it was out of curiosity, because you could relate, because you truly cared- thank you. I hope you aren't at the point where you roll your eyes whenever you see me post. Ha. There's a lot that I haven't written about and a lot that I haven't shared. I don't like to FORCE myself to write. I don't like to FORCE myself to post. I have a HUGE list of posts in my mind that I want to write, but I believe they will be written at the right time. And today for whatever reason, I'm feeling the need to share. 

I have a lot of emotions inside of me right now and so I hope that my words can come out the way that I am feeling them. 

I get worried people will associate me with my mental illness and not the other parts that come from it. I worry people think of me as broken, or someone who wants attention, or someone who is calling out for help..... when what I hope to do is inspire and connect and that people can see my strength and my growth. 

Mental illness is a very personal and individual thing. Which makes it complicated. People have different triggers, experiences, reasons for why they are they way they are, coping strategies etc. Someone else with anxiety might not relate 10000% to the experiences with it I share. But despite all of that, I hope so badly that people will look at me as someone who "gets it". That someone will be able to connect with this mess I call my life. Because i truly believe that connections and relating to one another is a huge part about what life is about. So here's me sharing a part of my story I've left out because I've been scared to open up about it and can be a hard topic to discuss. 

I’ve never talked about this to anyone before- because i've never felt the need to, but here I am writing this now. There were a few times this last year battling my consuming anxiety disorder and panic attacks that I remember thinking questions like- “What’s the point of all this? What is the point of living every day when just living is HARD to do? Is it really going to get better? Is there really anyone who can understand the amount of pain, struggle, and darkness I feel? Is it even worth trying to get better because it doesn't seem like I ever will? What if this is going to be my life forever? If it is, I don’t want this. If it is, I don't want to live.” 

Not in the sense that I wanted to end my life, but that I lost all hope in WANTING to live. Because of the all consuming mental illness I was struggling with, life just didn't seem worth it to me. The way I felt, the lack of things I was able to do, that WASNT living. In those moments I understood a glimpse of WHY people get to the point where they want to take their own lives. I understood WHY people with severe mental health problems or people with extremely difficult trials and struggles head down that road. I felt it in those moments. The weight. The despair. The "whats the point?" I personally do not have a depression - BUT there were EXTREMELY depressing moments during this time. Time when depression crept in and sucked all the happiness and joy out of me like a freaking dementor (harry potter fans heyyy).  

Those thoughts luckily did not consume me all day every day, they didn't make me suicidal- but I remember that terrifying helplessness. I remember the darkness that came with those questions. The heart break. The emptiness. It made me have extreme compassion and sympathy for people that ARE suicidal and that DO struggle with those thoughts on a daily basis or for periods of time. That is HEAVY stuff. And it broke my heart. Seeing into that little window of ultimate despair. The one where it showed me that LIFE CAN BE SO HARD TO THE POINT THAT SEEMS LIKE ITS NOT WORTH LIVING BECAUSE THATS THE ONLY WAY TO ESCAPE THAT HURT AND THAT PAIN. Just for a little while I feel like my eyes were opened to a whole different kind of pain. And it was heartbreaking.  How heartbreaking that mental illness can make people feel this way. How life shattering that your own mind becomes your worst enemy.

I NEVER got to the point where that despair and depression and thoughts were all consuming. But I do remember how broken I felt when those questions would cross my mind.  Those thoughts would come and go as I’m sure it does with many other mental illnesses.  Mental illness can seem hopeless. It can seem like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. It can seem like no one cares because its as though no one can understand. It can seem pointless to keep trying. It can seem like a never ending road of pain. I get that. But I truly truly truly believe no one is so broken  and damaged, and shattered that they can't be helped. I believe no one can be so far gone that they can't find light again in their life. I believe no one can be so overcome by sadness and hopelessness and despair that they don't have any more options. I believe in the words DON'T GIVE UP, KEEP GOING, YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS. 

++There is ALWAYS options. There is ALWAYS help. There is ALWAYS something. There is ALWAYS hope. ALWAYS. There are SO SO many resources and things that can help struggling, heart  broken, shattered people. 

I'm not saying its easy to find what works for you. It might take a while to get there and to find those answers, but I know that everyone can. I know because I've seen a glimpse of that darkness. I know because I felt broken and like there was no way I could ever feel like myself again. I know because I had to try and try and try and try and just take it a day at a time until eventually I could look back and see the ways I was changing. See the ways I was becoming something new, something better, something changed, something happier, something transformed. 

It's worth it to just keep taking that next step. Even if it is just a baby step. 

xoxo

Bailey

**I am not a Dr and if you or someone you love is experiencing suicidal thoughts, struggling with anxiety, struggling with depression or another mental illness SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP. See a Dr, see a specialist, get on medication, get into counseling and THEN try other options- meditation, yoga, self help books, spiritual leaders, other internet resources. HELP IS THERE. You don't have to do things all by yourself.**

7 DAY SIMPLE SELF CARE CHALLENGE

Self care, self love, and self acceptance have quickly become topics that I am very passionate about. I have recognized the importance of them and started to apply them into my life. It hasn't just changed my life, it has TRANSFORMED it. Really. In such an important way that I think that SO MANY people (seriously like everyone and anyone) could benefit from this! So now all I want to do is share it with the world!

So, I decided to host a 7 Day Simple Self Care Challenge over on my Instagram . I want it to be a safe place where you can start this journey and find it in yourself to love who you are and all that you are! I wanted to keep it SIMPLE and to the point and start adding in basic concepts every day!  There's no reporting back to me, no huge assignments- simply suggestions and questions and quotes that will help influence you to start intentionally living and loving yourself. 

We are currently on Day 2 and will begin Day 3 tomorrow. Each day I will update the challenges right here in this post so if you prefer to follow along here and go at your own pace and come back as often as you would like!

 1) Choose a positive affirmation/intention that you will focus on and repeat throughout the day. Start with an "I AM" statement that is meaningful and powerful to YOU. Mine for today is: I am grounded. I am balanced

2)Answer This: What do you want to gain from practicing self care for the next 7 days?? I personally want to take better care of myself mind, body, and spirit. I want to have more peace and guidance in my life. 

3) Take at least 10 minutes for yourself today and do something with the INTENTION of loving and taking care of yourself. Go for a walk, take a shower, focus on your skin care routine, meditate, listen to an inspirational podcast- ANYTHING. But do it for YOURSELF. 

1) Today, choose YOURSELF. Choose a positive affirmation/intention that begins with the words "I CHOOSE" Mine for today is- I choose peace and safety within. With my anxiety it can be hard for me to love myself and my body. Especially when I feel like they aren't functioning as I wish they would. This affirmation helps me to CHOOSE peace and safety within myself even when it's not easy.

2)Answer This: What is something about your body and your personality that you LOVE? I love my eyes and my compassion for others.  If that was uncomfortable for you- that's okay. It's normal to feel resistance with something like this. Especially if you are not used to loving yourself or complimenting yourself. A lot of our lives we are taught to NOT do that because we will come off selfish or stuck up. *insert eye roll here* that doesn't apply to all situations. Those resisting emotions just prove that we rent as kind and loving to ourselves as we should be. 

3) Every time you are in front of a mirror today I want you to look at yourself and say OUT LOUD- I love and accept myself exactly how I am. That may seem weird. And trust me, when I first read about this exercise in a book I was like- WHAT? THAT IS SO STUPID. But I put away the resistance and started doing it and after a few weeks of consistently doing this at least 1 time a day I actually started to believe it. Those 9 words changed my life. 

 1) Today we are going to focus on self acceptance. I want you to choose 1 or 2 Lines from the next picture to think about throughout the day.

2) Today I want you to be more gentle with yourself. Be mindful of your thoughts towards yourself. If any negative thoughts happen stop them and replace the with words of kindness and reassurance. 

Picture yourself back when you were 5 years old. What would you want to say to your 5 year old self if you were having a hard time? A bad day? A negative thought? I bet they would be kind words of encouragement. Say those things to yourself NOW. BE KIND.

3) Make the decision today to learn to love you. Flaws and all. Know that it won't happen instantly. But that's okay! Take the first step and decide to START.

1) All I want you to do for today is 10-15 minutes of stretching/yoga/exercise. Listen to music, do it while you're watching TV, Do it in silence- Listen to you body and do what it needs for today.

1) Today I want you to choose an "I AM" statement that helps to connect you to The Divine. Mine is: I am an extension of The Divine. This is one of my favorite mantras to help reconnect with my spiritual self.  "You are not a human having a spiritual moment. You are an expansive, powerful, spiritual being having a human experience. "

2) Say a prayer of gratitude today. Don't ask for anything. Just share all the things you are grateful for in your life today. 

3) Find time to meditate at least 5 minutes today. I love the Headspace App and the Simple Habit App. Or simply sit there in silence and let your mind go where it wants to.

 1) Choose a positive affirmation to focus on today that has to do with change and or transformation within yourself. Mine Is: I am open to change,  I welcome it.

2) Focus on an area where you are noticing change in your life. Good OR bad. Whether it is within yourself or something going on in your life. Be aware of it and try to let go of any resistance you may notice.

3)Make specific goals and invite the positive change into your life or at least the PROCESS of changing. Maybe do some yoga while focusing on what you WANT to happen. Don't focus on what you DONT want to happen. Don't focus on the negative. POSITIVE THOUGHTS AND OUTCOMES ONLY.

1) Make a list of your favorite positive affirmations/mantras that resonate with you! I keep  mine in my "notes" in my phone. Here are mine: I am grounded, I am safe/ I choose peace and safety within/ I am worthy and powerful/ I am easy to love/ I know what to say/ I trust myself/ I am an extension of the Divine. 

2) What words or beliefs do you want to live by? Really think about his. Write this down by your positive affirmations. AND BEGIN. 

3) Take a moment to reflect on this last week. What parts of the challenge did you love? Did loving yourself and taking tim for YOU affect you? What do you want to add into your life from this challenge? How can you keep working on loving yourself?

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! So grateful for everyone that participated! I really hope it was an easy way/introfuction to self care! I hope you gained something from this! I will keep this post here forever! 

HAPPY HEALING YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE

Bailey

My Letter of Gratitude to Anxiety.

Photo cred: Honeyseed Photography

For the past 2 days I have been working on my Solar Plexus Chakra. This chakra deals with your skin, pancreas, digestive tract, liver, and nervous system; personal power, self esteem etc. I was challenged to write a letter of gratitude to my biggest trial and to find PURPOSE in my trial. This is not going to be easy, and I've been putting it off for the past 2 days, but I know that's exactly why I needed to do it.

You probably already know who the culprit of my biggest trial is right now- ANXIETY. So here goes my gratitude letter to anxiety:

Dear Anxiety,
You have taught me a number of things in this past year that I am so grateful to have learned. You have pushed me beyond the limits I thought I could handle. You have made me break so I could become stronger. You have given me power in ways I never knew I had and ways I never knew you could.  You have brought me to my lowest of lows so I could CHANGE.

You have taught me. Taught me that I can do harder things than I think I can. That I can never fully be broken because I always find away to mend myself. That I can come out on top of the hardest moments of my life. You have taught me that I do not have control of everything, and that I need to be okay with that. That I need HELP to get through this life and that I can't do everything on my own.  You have taught me to take care of myself.

You have pushed me. You have pushed me down a life changing path. A path off self care, self love, and self worth. You have pushed me towards meditation, yoga, chakras, and self help books. You have pushed me towards being healthy mind, body, spirit. You have pushed me to turn to God. Pushed me to break so I could learn how to mend myself. Pushed me to take care of myself every single day.

You have made me strong. Stronger than I ever was before. Stronger mentally. Stronger from the  most overwhelming and difficult times so that I had to find a way to get through it. Stronger so I could learn to ask for help and so I  connect with people. Stronger so that I can recognize small victories every single day. Stronger so I know when to take a break and do things for myself.

You have given me power. Power to pick myself up off the ground when you become debilitating and my worst enemy. Power to know my limits and say no when I need to. Power to know myself and understand myself more than I ever thought possible.

So thank you. Thank you for pushing me to become the person I am now- no FORCING me. The person that knows her worth. The person that is extra grateful for life. The person that wants to help others that have to deal with you so that they can learn how to be grateful for you to. I never knew I would or could get to this point of gratitude, but now after all of this I am grateful.

xo
Bailey

Let's Heal Our Lives.

Wow. You guys. Today I started a new part of my healing journey. I believe that we have a lot of power and that we really can help to heal our own lives. I believe in western medicine and I know there are so many amazing things it has to offer, but I have always felt like there has to be MORE. There has to be more than just medications to help people function.
Last year when this all began I hated the thought that I had to wait 2 months to see if the medicine helped. That that was the biggest focus was just changing my meds. I didn't want to just sit around and wait. And I hated thinking that the medication was the key.  I wanted to actively be DOING something to help MYSELF. THERE HAD TO BE MORE. And thats when I encountered a post about self care on Pinterest and it changed the game for me. I became intrigued with that because I NEEDED to feel taken care of. I needed to feel like I could personally contribute to my healing because it was MY body and MY mind. Medication is amazing, and i've been on it for years, but sometimes i have felt like it is just a bandaid, or a crutch and I don't want to be on it forever. It's not FIXING the problem or taking it away, it's just something to HELP. I wanted something MORE. And I found it.
 So one thing led to another and I dove into the world of self care, yoga, reflexology, energy healing, meditation, chakras, mantras, positive thinking, the law of attraction, healing my body from the inside all the way to the outside.
I started to learn and study and research and try soooo many new things! It was my new focus in my life because I had faith these things would help. And i felt very much guided towards them and I was willing to try anything. It was a little hippy dippy and hokey pokey at first, because it was unfamiliar. But I just went with it and I am so so so grateful I did.
 I watched as day by day it changed my life for the better. It didn't happen all at once, but gradually I began to see a HUGE difference that all of these things made in my anxious and troubled life. It began a journey of self love and self acceptance. Of healing from past events. Of forgiving others and forgiving myself. It led me closer to God, to feel the spirit in my life easier. It taught me about how every single pain and ailment in our life is caused because of SOMETHING in our minds- an experience, a thought, a problem, an event- THEY ARE ALL LINKED TOGETHER. I saw in my personal life how my anxiety, my perfectionism, my neck pain, my headaches-- they each were linked to something that had happened or an emotion that I was having or something I was going through.  I learned how past events shaped me. And learned things about myself I never would have realized otherwise. I DOVE DEEP YOU GUYS. Talk about soul searching and soul reawakening- this stuff is real. And I know it sounds hippie hippie but there is also science behind this and some of these beliefs have been around for years and years and years. Skeptical? Read the book You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. It will change your life. It has changed mine and is a great way to start venturing and learning about this whole new way of life.
So, right now, I am at a point in my life where I am managing my anxiety and panic disorder FOR THE MOST PART. I still have my trials. I still have my mountains and things that are hard to mange. I still have limitations, but I am farther than where I was a year ago. And if these tools could help me when I was at my lowest of lows, i wonder what they will do for me when I am at my medium of mediums- haha not a thing but you know what I mean.
So I am diving back in and going to start focusing back on  my self care and morning/nightly routines. Today I took a few hours to do this, and I literally feel like my soul is happy and I know I am headed in the right direction for what my life needs at this time.
I am participating in an incredible 7 Day challenge to help heal my body from the inside out and I would love for you to join me. The amazing Sydney from The Daybook is hosting it in a Facebook group and you can start it whenever and go at your own pace and begin to learn more about yourself and healing.

xoxo
Bailey

I'm not screwed. I'm not messed up. I don't have issues.

I'm doing better. Beginning to feel more like myself. Consistently not having to take my "emergency pills" and have more confidence in my ability to better manage my anxiety. And I even don't have to see my therapist for 2 whole months because I'm doing so much better.
When I look back on these past 6 months I feel grateful for the progress I've made and  how much easier living normal life has started to feel. I consider myself lucky in a way. Becaue back in January, when I was rock bottom, I could not even begin to picture the strides and milestones I have accomplished in this journey.
But that's the hardest part of this whole thing. It's a journey. It doesn't have a destination. It doesn't have the happy sweet ending that I had been begging and praying for. The one where my anxiety would go away, my panic attacks would end, and I would go back to how my life was before all of this. That was my goal. I had felt "normal" at one point in my life so I wanted to attain that again. It took me months before I even TRIED to accept the fact that anxiety was going to be a part of my life. I thought I had been accepting it, but deep down inside my goal was to justget RID of anxiety rather than learn how to live WITH it.
I had the greatest therapist ever. Hands down I could not have gone through this without his expertise, patience, and listening ears. I will forever be grateful for the things he taught me through this process.  2 sessions ago we had a "break theough" moment. I was getting frustrated with my anxiety. Frustrated that it wouldn't go away. Frustrated that besides medication and counseling there isn't much help for mental health. Frustrated that I wasn't making more progress. Frustrated that I was still having anxiety here and there. Frustrated about a million things. My therapist helped me to realize the reality of my situation, genetics, and mental illness. That the key to really progressing with anxiety is to ACCEPT it. It took me 4 months before I finally truly did this. It took me 4 months before I faced the heartbreaking truth I didn't want to be true. That I have anxiety and that's just a fact. No matter how much I try to not have it, I do. The. More I tried to wish it away, the more I couldn't. It wasn't until I fully accepted my anxiety that I finally felt powerful. It doesn't mean that I am "okay" wit having anxiety, heck no I am not! It doesn't mean I "like" my anxiety, not even a little. But I ACCEPT that I have it and that I am going to have to live my life differently than others.
I'm going to have to constantly take care of my mental health. I'm going to need to understand and know my limits. I'm going to have to push myself differently than others. I'm going to have to meditate and make self care a continual thing.  I'm going to be uncomfortable in many situations and I'm going to have to understand that and accept that about myself.
It's kind of an interesting brain transition. A weird thought process. And you better believe I was a heartbroken sobbing mess when I finally accepted that anxiety was apart of my life. But it really made all the difference. I've had to entirely change my relationship with anxiety. All of this doesn't mean I'm going to have extreme panic attacks and extreme anxiety like I experienced these past few months. It doesn't mean that I'm screwed for life. It doesn't mean that I can't still enjoy my life.  It doesn't mean that I'm messed up and have serious issues and have to struggle for the rest of my life. Cause believe me, I used to think all those things.
It all means that I have a better relationship & understand of my anxiety. That I know myself better. That I have tools and things I've had to practice the heck out of to be able to function better and live a more normal life. That I am not as terrified of my anxiety as I used to be. That I no longer am terrified of living life with this anxiety disorder I have.



Xoxo
Bailey

my late night honest thoughts about my anxiety

I try to be as open and honest with people about my anxiety as I can be. I don't sugar coat things and I don't exaggerate. I try to say what's on my mind and I try to paint a picture. To show people who don't personally experience anxiety how real it is. To show people who do personally experience anxiety THAT they aren't alone. To show people that everyone has their own personal struggles and trials they are dealing with. To show people that you can do hard things. You can survive the deep & dark.
Cause that's what mental illness is. The deep & dark. I don't think I would've ever called it that until now. The anxiety that I dealt with when I was growing up was hard-- but for different reasons. Back then it was anxiety. Now it is anxiety AND a panic disorder.
Back then  it was hard because no one talked about mental illness. It was hard because no one talked about anxiety. It was hard because I was put on medication when I was 10 years old and that was it!! No counseling services were offered. No follow ups were offered. No programs or reading material was offered. NOTHING! I was put on medication and that was that. I took my pills every night and I don't remember much about experiencing anxiety until middle school.
 In middle school when things got hard for me I had my parents to turn to but that was it. And to be honest I don't know if I was 100% iron and honest with them because I was so SCARED and didn't think they would understand! I didn't think they would be able to help me because I couldn't always describe my thoughts! I never full 100% opened up to anyone about the things that went through my mind and the constant worry I had and the panic attacks. And it was t until High School that I really got a grip on things and loved a mostly normal life. Anxiety didn't control my life and I got to experience so many awesome things that I'm grateful for.
But now? Anxiety &  this new panic disorder  is my deep & dark. And even though there are people who experience it and there are more people who are open about it, I still feel so alone. I've yet to meet someone who has experience similiar things to me. I've yet to hear or read about someone who has panic attacks that are like mine. I've yet to find someone who GETS me on that kind of a level.
It's hard. Going at it alone. I have friends, family, and a therapist that help me and support me, but sometimes it's just plain HARD. But I can do it & im getting through it, and if you feel this same way about your situation just know that you can get through it no matter how alone you feel.
And I get so frustrated with myself. It's hard knowing I "should" be/think/feel one way and I just CANT. It's hard when simple/normal things are difficult to do. It's hard when I can't explain myself to people or when people don't even try to understand or take me seriously. It's hard when I got to several different doctors and I can't find one that I feel like really takes me seriously, or explains things correctly, or is doing what's best for ME and not  just my symptoms/diagnosis.
It's hard but I'm SURVIVING. I'm not going to give up. I've come a really long way from where I was at mentally back in November. I'm accomplishing so many things I never would have dreamed of. I am learning to exist and live and function WITH my anxiety. My anxiety isn't going away completely, but I'm managing it better than I ever could have imagined. And I'm so grateful for where I am right now. Oddly, grateful for this healing journey because I've learned more about myself and life than I would've otherwise. I'm not glad or happy about what I've gone through, but I'm grateful.
And I really want to raise awareness about mental illness. And I really want to make a difference. And I really want to keep getting better & stronger. And I really want to find a state of mind that can accept anxiety 100% and be willing to live with it and live through it happily.

Xoxo
Bailey

On my mind.

I think the hardest part about having my anxiety/panic disorder has been learning to live WITH it rather than running AWAY from it. It's not easy. But now when the panic attacks set in, I am able to better get through them rather than completely shutting down & passing out. They still suck. They still are the worst thing ever. They still feel like hell, but I can function better.  I've had to see small victories as huge ones. I've had to work HARD EVERY SINGLE DAY to even feel HALF normal and to be able to function! That's been a weird transition and a hard one to accept. Im not glad I went through what I went through during November - February. Everyone says eventually you will be grateful for your trials, but this one I'm not. Those were the worst and darkest months of my life. Emotionally I hit rock bottom. And I truly did not even imagine being able to HEAL. I thought it was impossible. I thougt I was stuck. I don't know WHY I went through what I did and I hope I never have to experience it again. I learned a lot, and I grew a lot, but I didn't want to have to do it that way. But I've been trying to accept it. And I'm so glad I'm slowly getting better. To be honest I don't know what made the biggest difference in this healing process. I don't know what of the hundreds of things I did to CHANGE and GROW made the biggest difference. I think a huge thing was TRYING. CONSTANTLY to get better. Doing everything I could and trying anything I could think of to try and get even a small amount of relief. It's funny cause now when I have anxious moments and bad days I get so devastated, when a few months ago those would've been considered my good days cause things were so rough. I definitely have a different perspective & feel like I have a completely different mental state than I used to. I don't know why I'm writing this post exactly or why I open up so much  but I feel like there's still not enough mental illness awareness out there. I feel like things are taken too lightly. I feel like people use the words "anxiety" and "anxious" and "panic attack" way too loosely. I feel like it's hard for people to truly understand, and so I try to be as real and as honest as I can to paint even a little bit of a picture for others. I am a happy person, I have a lot of friends, I like doing normal things, I probably seem like I have a lot of my life together- so that's why I'm speaking out and sharing things that make me uncomfortable and make me feel vulnerable.

 I'm not done with this healing journey, but I'm on the uphill and count myself to be one of the lucky ones.
Xoxo Bailey

I never would've imagined..

Hey everyone! Haven't blogged in almost 2 months, my apologies! I don't like to blog just to post so usually i wait until I have something I really want to share. And today I feel  like I have something I want to share.

Something has happened that a few months ago I never would've imagined- I am starting to feel more like myself. Back in January I really thought I was stuck, and that I would never be happy again, normal again, and able to function again. I don't think people realize how SERIOUS I am being when I say that. I was at my lowest of lows and I thought I was stuck. I didn't know HOW I got to that point in my life and so I didn't know how to fix it. It was unreal the things I was experiencing and it all just hit me like a ton of red bricks and I was helpless. I'm not sure anyone can really understand unless they've been there. I wasn't suicidal, wasn't super depressed- but I was terrified. It's a scary thing when everyday normal life becomes a challenge to get through every single day and you know other people can't relate and that you are kind of in this on your own. I had people to support me, I had people to help, but really no one TRULY knew what I was going through.

These past few months I worked HARD, freaking HARD to try and get better, healthier, happier. And it's been a lot of work but it's starting to pay off. The BIGGEST thing that has helped me through all of this has been Counseling. It has changed my life. I don't think I would have been able to do HALF of the things that I did this last month if it wouldn't have been for therapy. And my husband and my family (obviously) to help push me and motivate me and keep me positive. Here is and update of what I have been able to do since I last blogged at the beginning of February. These are all tasks I wouldn't have even THOUGHT of doing back in January that I've accomplished-

+went to walmart by myself for 10 minutes to exchange something
+went to a few boutiques by myself for a few minutes
+was able to go to some families house without my husband and didn't feel like i was going to have a panic attack
+i walked into a store by myself while my husband parked the car
+i was able to go get a few groceries by myself while my husband was in another part of the store
+i drove longer than 40 minutes by myself
+went to a dr appointment by myself
+started selling LipSense
+started going to therapy by myself and eventually wasn't anxious every single time
+started being able to go to church without having constant anxiety every single time
+started being able to go to work without constant anxiety (but had to make a lot of adjustments to get to that point)
+i was able to go to a friends house without having a panic attack (still was very anxious though)
+ i went on a run by myself (right by my house but that was still an improvement)
+didn't have to back out of as many things as I did november-february
+got to a point where i finally let my husband and I plan for our Hawaii trip (still very anxious about it though)
+the most recent one- I went to the gym ALL BY MYSELF

Crazy how simple some of those tasks seem but those have been serious HUGE milestones for me. Some of them sound so silly, and probably hard to understand why those would've been hard for me, but they were. This is what I  LITERALLY thought back in January-

+i would not be able to have kids because of my anxiety
+i would have to quit my job because of my anxiety
+my husband wasn't going to want to be married of me because of my anxiety
+i was going to lose all my friends because of my anxiety because i wouldn't be able to leave my house
+we were never gong to be able to go to hawaii or ANYWHERE because of my anxiety
+i would never be able to go grocery shopping on my own(still haven't but I'm working towards it)
+i would always be anxious everyday for the rest of my life
+i wouldn't be able to exercise or go to the gym ever again
+i would have to just stay in my house all day everyday

THAT IS NOT HOW I THINK ANYMORE. THAT IS NOT ME ANYMORE. MY ANXIETY IS NOT ME ANYMORE. I have it, yes. I struggle with it, yes. I've come to grips that it's going to be a long battle, but I am FUNCTIONING better than I thought I ever would. Doing things I never would've imagined. I'm coming back to myself. Things are still difficult for me today. My comfort zone is still pretty small. I still can't do everything on my own and still can't wrap my mind around a few things, but I've made progress. A LOT of progress. Back in January I would've rated my overall wellness a solid 2/10 and now at the end of March I would give it a 7/10. Working towards that 10/10! It is possible to have anxiety AND live a happy life. 

xox
Bailey

What's In My Self Care Tool Kit?

Self Care has been a HUGE part of my Healing Journey. HUGE HUGE HUGE. A few months ago, before my anxiety came in and tried to take over my life, I was feeling kind of blah. This was my life almost everyday- I would wake up, go to work, come home and watch Netflix on my lunch break and decide what I was going to make for dinner, go back to work, come home and make dinner, maybe get in workout, spend time on snapchat, insta, Facebook, sometimes Pinterest, cuddle with my hubby and spend an hour to 2 watching Netflix, get ready for bed and go to bed. Does that sound familiar to anyone else? It was a routine, and life was good, but I just felt like I didn't have TIME. For anything. And I was just going through those motions. I had tons of things I WANTED to do - yoga, meditation, calligraphy, learn about makeup, clean, organize etc. But it just felt like I couldn't fit it in anywhere and that there wasn't a purpose for everything I wanted to do. Then I came across a few "Self Care" Pins on Pinterest and became so INSPIRED.

I loved the idea of MAKING time for myself!  I loved the idea of doing things I wanted to do just because I want to do them and they will make me happy! That I could take time out of my busy day to draw a hot bath, put bubbles or a bath bomb in, light some candles, plug in my himalayan salt lamp, watch grey anatomy on my laptop and just CHILL THE HECK OUT and just ENJOY myself without feeling guilty! That I could make time for ME and do some yoga and just focus on myself- mentally, physically, spiritually. Self Care opened up this whole new world and changed my perspective and how I live my life. It's not in any way just another thing to add to my "to-do" list, it is ME time to check in with my well being and get recharged/recentered.

Here is my Self Care Tool Kit. Take note that I don't always use all of these "tools" at the same time or even everyday! I use different ones at different times of the day and it also depends on my mood! But I definitely use at least 3-5 of these every single day! These are my little things that make a big difference everyday--

1. My Himalayan Salt Lamp
Himalayan Salt Lamps are said to increase energy levels, improve mood & concentration, purify the air, and decrease stress levels. I ALWAYS have this on when I am doing yoga, meditating, reading, bathing, or just trying to relax! It really helps me feel at peace and is soothing to me.

2. Aromatherapy
I love to use candles, my essential oil diffuser, and my favorite bath bombs or bath salts. My favorite candle right now is Bath and Body Works Mahogany Teakwood High Intensity candle. I always carry around an essential oil blend with me for when I'm feeling really stressed and need to recenter myself or focus on something else.

3. Self Help Books
I recently started You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay and it has seriously changed my life. I would recommend this book to everyone and anyone! It makes me feel so empowered and like I can accomplish anything that I want! It has different exercises to do throughout the book that have really been great at changing my perspective, making me a more positive and forgiving person, and helping me with my anxiety. This is the first self help book I have read and I'm so excited to read more after this one!

4. Journaling
I have my personal journal where I will write about anything and everything, I'm not as good at writing in it as I used to be when I was younger but it's nice when I feel like I just need to write my thoughts down or talk about what is going on in my life.  I also recently started -what I call- my "Healing Journal". I started my healing journal when I began counseling as a way to write down things I learned from therapy. I LOVED writing in it and decided to dedicate an entire journal to my Healing journey! I write down thoughts I have after meditation or yoga, quotes from Pinterest that apply to my healing journey, positive affirmations, and quotes from the self help book I am reading that I want to remember.

5. Yoga
Over the past month I have learned that yoga isn't just about "stretches" and being able to do awesome poses and headstands. It is actually a really spiritual and peaceful time for me. It's my time to connect and to heal - mind, body, and spirit.

6. Mindfulness Meditation
I can't say enough how much I love the Headspace app! If I am anxious when I wake up I try and do a 10 minute session to clear my head or I do it at lunch! It feels so good to take a break from thinking and to try to live in the moment. To just focus on here and now instead of all the unrealistic/future/anxious thoughts that I am so good at creating. I just get to clear my head and focus on how I am right then and there in that moment.

7.Pinterest
I love Pinterest so much because it is all about me! Sounds so selfish, but whatever, it's the truth. I love that it's my own vision board of everything I love! It helps me clear my head and fill it with all things lovely and me!

8. Organizing
I am queen of getting rid of things. I don't like extra clutter and sometimes I get so sick of saying "maybe i'll wear that/use that someday" because usually I don't. Sometimes I just take 1 drawer or a shelf or a section of  a room and just reorganize and throw things away! Other times I take time to organize my Pinterest boards, music playlists, or apps on my phone.


xoxo
Bailey

The Beginning of My Healing Journey

December 2 I was thrown into this whole knew realm of anxiety. It transformed to Panic Disorder and then to Agoraphobia. It was this whole new thing for me that I have never experienced and I could have never imagined that I would go through it. I'll spare you all the details and get to the good part. The part where I finally have hope back in my life. The part where I am yelling it out to the Universe that I CAN DO THIS. 

This is transformation time for me because I've chosen to make it that. I've chosen to FIGHT this and try everything that I possibly can to manage my anxiety and take back MY life. I was brought so low, SO SO low, lower than I could have ever imagined, so that I could CHANGE and TRANSFORM. Sounds super dramatic and/or cliche, right? But it's true. And it's taken me a while to get to this point but I'm on this journey right now to help myself heal (I just love that word so much).

Here is my healing journey so far-

A week and a half a go I chose certain things that I was going to work on and and ways I was going to change. I didn't want to just let anxiety run my world and I didn't want to just sit around and wish it away. I wanted to actively be doing things to help myself! And I was willing to do and try anything. Seriously. I was so so stuck you guys. Anyways these things have brought me hope over the past few weeks and are a big part of my healing journey.

+Research- I wanted to learn more about anxiety, panic disorders, and agoraphobia. I went to Dr Google and searched everything and anything about them. I feel like it helped me to understand why my body was doing this in order to help me to change it. I read tons of great articles that gave tons of great insights and advice on how to overcome it and things to try. Anxiety Coach and Calm Clinic were great and useful websites!

+Yoga- I've been wanting to get more into yoga these past few weeks so I figured now would be the perfect time. I started reading about Yoga and how it can help anxiety! The Yoga Journal has some awesome articles about yoga and anxiety together and separate. (Here's an awesome article that really was helpful to me!) I started doing yoga every day and using that time to just focus on me and healing. It was incredible how much peace and hope I found by doing this. I started learning more about yoga, chakras, mantras, intentions, balance and became hooked. I started by pinning a bunch of yoga tutorials, pictures, and flows from Pinterest so that I could learn and do more. Here is my Yoga board that helped me to get started.

+Meditation-I read and watched a lot of videos about meditation and all the benefits of it. I have used the app Headspace  many times and after doing the free trial 2x I saw how meditation really was beneficial for me. I loved how I could just take an absolute BREAK for 10 minutes and just be at peace and recenter myself and I wanted more so I purchased it and I'm SO happy that I did! It has taught me a lot about not reacting to my thoughts and how to separate my emotions from my thoughts.

+Counseling- I have gone to counseling 3 times in the past week and a half and I'm so grateful that I started it. It feels so good to be able to get feedback from someone who has tools that they can teach me to help myself cope and manage my anxiety. I have loved having an outlet where I can be 100% uncensored and honest that they truly care and do understand. It's not only helping me with my anxiety but other aspects of my life as well. The biggest thing I have learned so far is how I need to ACCEPT my anxiety. I think for my whole life I tried to FIGHT it, and accepting it just seems crazy to me because I DONT WANT IT. I DONT WANT IT TO BE APART OF ME. But my counselor has helped me to realize that I have it, and there's nothing I can do about that fact, so I need to accept it. It is changing my life. 

+ Self Care- I found a Pin about Self Care that lead me to this Blog. I LOVE this post and this blog!!  It sparked something inside of me and I am obsessed with the thought about self care! It kind of just fit in with everything I was trying to work on for the past few weeks! And just shows how IMPORTANT self care is! Even if it just 10-30 minutes a morning or evening. TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF and recenter and have peace and happiness! I'll be blogging a lot more about this later. But a big part of my self care is taking the time to journal again! I used to be an avid journal write growing up then I was not so good at it. Now I am getting to much peace from writing!

+Positivity- I watched the Documentary The Secret on Netflix. The graphics are super cheesy and I do not like how the Documentary is put together but I LOVE the message. It's all about the Law of Attraction and how you can have the life that you want by putting it out into the universe, making it known, and pretending like it's already yours. ANYWAYS, I would recommend it to everyone because of the message but maybe try and find the book because I liked that better! ANYWAYS- each morning, when I'm doing yoga, or if I catch my thoughts are super negative, and every night I have a few phrases that I say to myself to make me more positive. Anxiety has this way of wanting to scare you and trap you and tell you that you will always be that way and that you will always be stuck and that everything has a negative or scary ending. But turning my thoughts into positive ones has been SO powerful in my everyday life. Just saying a few simple positive phrases! 

"Many times when God isn't changing your circumstance it's because He's mostly concerned with changing YOU within your circumstance. Your character, your inner strength, your integrity matters to Him because they are everlasting qualities. The wisdom, the strength and the maturity that grows within you are all things you're going to need to sustain the calling God has on your life. Know that there is a purpose in your pain."

Keep Fighting everyone!!

xoxo

Bailey

Images via Pinterest

it's all right it's all right it's all right

I truly believe that time heals everything. That the key to healing is taking small steps in the right direction. Because when you are broken or struggling, it's easy to think that it's going to last forever. That you will never be happy or normal again. Because I know I have felt that way in the past as I do right now. And right now I have to keep reminding myself, and having my husband remind me of that. That trials don't last forever. That the pain and anxiety and struggle I am having right now won't last forever. That it just takes time. And I think the thing that matters the most is the fact that we are all TRYING. That we aren't giving up. That you are doing your best even if your best isn't what you would like it to be. I believe that healing takes time and that there is a reason for that. That there is a reason we go through trials, not necessarily that they were "supposed" to happen, or that "everything happens for a reason" but in general- we go through trials to grow. To learn. To fight. To survive. And that that is the reason we have them. They aren't there to define us. My mental illness does not define me. It is a trial I am having right now.

December was probably one of the hardest months of my entire life. Anxiety just kind of settled into my life like a long lost friend that I couldn't get rid of. My medically triggered anxiety transitioned to Agoraphobia. It's like I don't even know who I am anymore, and that's scary. I HATE that. Because I don't want this to be me. I don't want to be terrified of going anywhere without my husband. I don't want to struggle going to work. I don't want to be on the verge of a panic attack when we are just hanging out with friends and family. I don't want to be on edge 24/7 and unable to find peace unless I am at my own home. It's a vicious cycle. And I don't expect anyone to understand unless they have truly had a panic attack and real anxiety. This might seem like I am exaggerating, or that I just need to suck it up and get over it, or that I am just really stressed- NO.  My heart truly goes out to other people who have suffered with this extent of anxiety or agoraphobia for lengths of time. I have struggled for a month and it is paralyzing and debilitating. I can't imagine having this be apart of my everyday life. Right now I just can't function like myself. And I've accepted it, but I haven't accepted that that is how my life is always going to be. Because that's not me and I refuse to let this anxiety take over my life. I am going to get through it, over time, because I have faith that I can.  Even though sometimes it doesn't seem like it will end and that I will ever be able to go into public by myself again, or that I will be able to sit and have a conversation with someone without feeling the need to run away. I have to have faith that I will be able to shake this.

I will say that through all this my eyes have been opened to a new perspective. That you truly don't know what other people are going through. At all. I can't imagine people feeling the way that I do everyday.  And I'm not saying that in a self pity type of way AT ALL.  It just makes me wonder who else around me struggles like this, or even worse. If the person next to me at the grocery store is struggling to stand there,  even though they don't have a reason to be anxious, that jus getting out of bed was hard for them that day. You never know. You don't know why people do what they do. And you don't know what people have fully been through to bring them to the point in their life that they are at now. That we can't judge. And we can't assume. We just can't. That we should forgive and love, because that is what is important. That self love is so important. That I need to focus on myself right now and not be ashamed for being selfish. That I need to get help from a counselor to try and help my thoughts even though I want to just do this by myself- I CANT. That I need to focus on my health and becoming stronger- physically, mentally, and emotionally. That I need to cling to God and Christ. Submit my will to theres because I clearly don't know what to do at this point in my life. I know that through Christ I can do all things. And that HE is the only person who knows what I am going through. And that He won't leave me comfortless but that He will require me to push through things and grow. That He knows what is best and that He is cheering me on and WANTS me to be okay again too. But If He just took this suffering way from me, I wouldn't be changed. I wouldn't transition and grow as much as I know I will.

I am open about this because I feel like I need to be right now. I feel like I need to be real and to not be ashamed of my mental illness. I feel like if there is even 1 person that can relate to me, that can read my words and know what i am talking about, that can get hope from my experiences- that's worth it to me. That if someone who knows someone with a mental illness like this can have a little bit more compassion or get insight on how to understand them better- that's worth it to me. Because I wish growing up I had someone I could talk to about what I was going through besides my parents. I wish I had someone that would have understood. Someone who could have empathized with me and given me hope and helped me to understand anxiety better. That would have been nice.

 I haven't "overcome" it and I haven't "gotten through it" so that's why this time is different. I'm writing about it as I go. To look back and see my progress. To see how my thoughts and perspectives will change. So that one day, if this ever happens again, I will KNOW without a doubt that I can get through it. So that maybe i won't be as scared and worried as I am right now. That maybe I will believe that everything will be all right.

xoxo
Bailey

images via pinterest

Right now I am strong, but I am also very broken.

Right now I am strong. Strong because I am making it through each day when It feels like sometimes I can't. Strong because I am getting up out of bed in the morning when I feel like there are weights keeping me there. Strong because I am attempting to overcome the things that are causing anxiety to run my life right now. Strong because I am trying new medicine to see if it makes things more bearable even though I hate being on medicine. Strong because small victories have to be my big victories. Strong because I've had to open up to people about my trials right now to try and have them understand even though I know they won't be able to. Strong because I refuse to give up. Strong because I am going to work everyday even when it's difficult for me to just be there. Strong because I refuse to think that my life is going to be like this forever. Strong because I am asking God for help. Strong because I am trusting my Savior.

But right now I am also very broken. More broken than I've ever imagined. Broken because I can't function like I used to, like I want to. Broken because I thought I was strong and that anxiety wasn't going to be a constant companion in my life- right now it is. And this past week has rocked my world into a whole other universe. It's been the hardest thing I've ever experienced. I've been ashamed and humiliated because of it. It's anxiety like I have never felt. Normal every day tasks have become HUGE milestone accomplishments if I can get to them.  And I feel weak. Rock bottom weak. Weak because I want to feel normal again and I just can't.  Weak because I want to jump right back into my normal life and not have panic attacks with normal everyday stuff- and that has never been an issue before. Weak because I'M supposed to be the strong one to help other people, not the other way around. And I've managed my panic attacks for YEARS.  So what happened now? I wish I knew because then maybe I could fix it. And I have sympathy for people who have this type of anxiety. I can't believe that this type of anxiety I have experienced this past week is probably other peoples reality at times- or maybe all the time. And I am grateful that this is not my normal anxiety that I have had to deal with. 

Maybe that is why I am having this mega trial right now. To make me grateful for the anxiety that I normally have. To show me that it could be worse. To remind me that I am blessed. To remind me that it is okay to not be okay and okay to ask for help. To humble me and try to help me accept that I am not in control. That God is in control. To bring me so low, and so scared, and so far away from myself that I have to rely on God to bring me back. I have to rely on the Savior to believe and have faith that he has felt what I am feeling now so that He can sympathize with me and hold my hand through this. That He can remind me that I can get out of this rut. That He can remind me that I am NOT my anxiety. And that I need to be okay with not being in control, and to rely on Him. Because that's hard for me to do because I just want to be able to fix myself. But this past week has shown me that I can't.

I am so so blessed to have the husband, family, friends, and co-workers that I have in my life right now. Who are rooting for me and doing things to help me through this difficult time even if they can't fully understand what I am going through. I am grateful that I can find strength through them to push through difficult times. Because sometimes I just want to give up. Fighting is exhausting. And sometimes giving up seems like the only option, but I know I can't. Because I don't WANT anxiety to define me. I don't WANT anxiety to control my life. And I believe it is possible to get back to having control over it again. Even when sometimes it seems like it isn't possible, I know all things are possible through Christ. I know that He is aware of me and that He will guide me. And I'm trusting in Him and His timing so that I can feel whole again and learn the things that I am supposed to right now. 

To anyone else struggling like this right now, just hang in there. Ask yourself if you can get through the next 10 minutes, and if you can get through those next ten minutes do it. Then ask yourself that question again, and keep getting through 10 minutes and the next 10 minutes and the next 10 minutes and when you get through the day be PROUD of yourself that you got there. That you made it through minutes and hours that seemed unbearable. 

xoxo

Bailey

Images Via Pinterest

surviving through the deep and dark.

"you get to a point where it starts to feel okay to feel again,
and the midnight air doesn't suffocate you,
and the sky doesn't seem to hang so low anymore,
and if i would've told myself this a month ago,
that it'd all be okay,
i wouldn't have believed it,
but here i am,
standing in the middle of a forest with no one around for miles and a miles,
and i do not feel alone."
-m.k.


I used to love words. Not even just love them, but I was passionate about them. If I read something that intrigued me- it captured me. I felt like I was apart of it- and it was apart of me, and I had to write it down. To keep it forever, so i don't forget. To try and hold onto that feeling that I felt in that moment.  Words would literally make me feel alive. Writing them, reading them, creating them. And for the first time in a long time, this poem did that for me today. My soul feels awake. And I wrote this poem down. And I wish I could take what I feel inside right now and give a piece of it to all of you so you could understand how real this is for me. Because this poem is me. And i've been away for a while. Trying to rebuild myself from a long dark road of anxiety and depression. Because it broke me. More broken than I've ever been before. And i'm not going to be dramatic but I'm not going to sugar coat it either because that's not being real, and I'm being real.

I used to be able to write about pain. I used to be able to turn my dark feelings inside of me into words. It was an escape.  I was turning something dark into something beautiful. And I think that's why I love words so much. And honestly, I love honest- real- true- broken- dark- unedited words. Because we all feel that way sometimes. At least, in my mind I think we do. That at some point we all feel broken down and lost. But no one likes to talk about it. No one likes to talk about their true feelings because of what ifs. What if people will judge me? What if no one understands? What if I open up and no one can respond to it how I hope it would? What if no one takes me seriously? What if I am alone? What if I'm a lost cause?

And I couldn't handle the way I was feeling. I couldn't get myself to write it down. I couldn't get myself to speak about it. I couldn't get myself to come to grips with how I was really feeling. Because it was terrifying. And if I spoke about it, wrote about it, talked about it that would be making it real. And I didn't want it to be real anymore. I didn't want to have the crippling anxiety and the devastating depression. I didn't want to be that person. I wanted the person who I used to be but I literally could NOT get to her. No matter how I wanted to be myself, no matter how I wanted to do the things I used to do and say the things I used to say and think the things I used to think I COULD NOT. Because I was broken and the only one that could put myself back together was me and I did not know where all the pieces were hiding. I searched for them, I did, but they were hidden for so long. Almost an entire year of not knowing who you were to the realest and truest interpretation of that.

I think we don't like to talk about how we feel sometimes, because we don't want to take the chance of opening up and not being able to find someone who feels like we feel. That we won't be able to find someone who has the same soul as us. Someone who knows your pain because at one point it was their own. It's scary. But recently I have realized that sometimes that's what we all need. To have someone be brave enough to open up and be raw and say the things that we already think. To scream out the insecurities and worries and thoughts that we all have had at some point. To say the words that you have lived through. And survived. Because we are humans and we have to survive. Everything we do in this life is to survive. And when you get to the point where survival isn't important to you and you can't survive- what then. So, we survive. And hope that others choose to survive. And we live our lives surviving for ourselves and surviving to help others and to influence others survival.

So- if you're at a point in your life where you feel like you can't get through it. That the pain is endless. That the anxiety is unmanageable. That life is too harsh and too dark. That the depression has taken over your life and become who you are. That you truly believe you can't get back to happiness and hope and who you were at one point- or who you want to be. You can. And you might not believe it  now, but you literally CAN. And sometime you just have to wait. Because time heals. Eventually something clicks. Eventually you find what you need. And you rebuild yourself. Even if it is from ground 0, you rebuild and keep building and never stop. And if you don't get to that point you keep trying. And down the road, think of all the times you didn't think you could make it through. And you DID. Depend on those times. Because we are all survivors if we choose to be. We can do hard things because life is tough but so are you.

xoxo,
Bailey