Anxiety Medication + Pregnancy

Hi everyone. No, I'm not pregnant. But I really really really wanted to share this information with people because there is a lot of "rumors" and "he said she said" and "myths" about taking anxiety or depression medication while pregnant that I feel like needs to be cleared up. Why? Because a lot of stuff you have probably heard might not be 100% accurate or true and I feel like people need to be informed so that they can make the best decision for them and their babies. And because it gave me a peace of mind, and might help someone else too.

I have always heard that if you take anxiety medication while you are pregnant you will have a baby with autism. Every time that I've searched "anxiety medication & pregnancy" I've seen things like "Medication should be the last result. Taking medication will hurt your baby. It will make your baby addicted. It will make your baby deformed" and other things that really terrified me and made me feel horrible for being on anxiety medication! As well as made me fear for the future when I had to be off of the medication. BUT I will say that  now I realize all of those websites were NOT scientific websites and if they had citations they were all from before the year 2000 and a lot were not 100% accurate! So like don't believe everything you read on the internet. DUH.

So over the past few months I have learned A LOT from my mental health Dr that I feel like others in my situation  (those who take anxiety or depression medications) should know about too! I will start off by saying this is a very personal decision that you, your husband, and your doctor need to discuss and that it's different for everyone depending on their situation-obviously. And that my main reason for sharing this is  not to encourage people to take anxiety/depression medication during pregnancy but to give those who DO NOT really have the option of being off of their anxiety/depression medication while being pregnant hope and to tell them that THATS OKAY. And to tell other people who are judgmental of these people that they need to STOP JUDGING PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE MEDICATION FOR MENTAL HEALTH BEFORE/DURING/OR AFTER PREGNANCY BECAUSE THAT'S NO ONE ELSE'S BUSINESS AND THEY ARE DOING WHAT IS BEST FOR THEM AND THEIR BABY AND THEY ARE NOT BAD MOMS OR UNEDUCATED OR CARELESS OR HURTING THEIR BABY. OKAY!?

SOOOOO now lemme get to the point- As me and Pax have discussed having babies, it was important for me to go and talk to my mental health DR about options BEFORE I get pregnant for several reasons-
1) For me, my anxiety is often triggered by medical things and situations. And it's been really HARD for me to even imagine being pregnant and being okay BECAUSE of my anxiety. I know that being pregnant might be a very hard time for me mentally and I wanted to prepare in any way I could
2) I wanted to know if the things I mentioned above were true and that I needed to get off of medication before having a baby or if it was okay to take medication while pregnant and what the risks really are!
3) I wanted to know all of my OPTIONS from a PROFESSIONAL.

SO here are just a few things I learned and felt like were share worthy.

Taking anxiety medication while you are pregnant has its risks.  BUT there are medications that have LESS risks. There are a few specific anxiety medications that have shown INCREASED risks for babies but even then the risks were still not that common. I personally did not know there were different "levels" of risks with different medications and that there are some that are "more" okay to be on when pregnant. I really thought that I would have to come off of my meds completely OR ELSE. I liked this info because if I end up needing to be on medication while I were pregnant I could be on one with LESS risk. (which I currently am!)

It would be optimal if women could get off of their anxiety medications before they are pregnant BUT it's not always an OPTION for some people because of the severity of the anxiety. Anxiety and stress on its own can have increased risks for the baby even without the meds! AND there could be WORSE risks with you NOT taking the medication than there are WITH the medication. This kind of gave me a peace of mind because like I've said- all of my doctors visits, being pregnant, and going through labor is probably going to trigger my anxiety already and it's just hard for me to imagine being anxious and having panic attacks WHILE I'm pregnant with our sweet future baby.

After this visit we did lower my dose on my current medication and added in another one so I could begin to switch over to one that had less risk. I'm glad I was able to do this before I got pregnant because switching medications while pregnant could be very hard and I personally would not want to do it. My mental health doctor also told me that when we move I need to meet with an OBGYN BEFORE we start trying to have kids to explain my personal and specific situation and come up with a plan beforehand so that I feel safe, my husband feels safe, and the doctor feels confident.

This really put my mind at ease and made me feel A LOT better because I realized there were SO MANY OPTIONS that I never knew were out there! It made me feel like I wasn't going to be "trapped" one way or another. And I feel like a lot of people are very misinformed on this topic! Obviously there’s a lot more to learn and other things to consider but that’s between you and your doc !

You can find some good information here on the Anxiety and Depression Association of America website.

*I say this every time but- I'm not a doctor. Clearly. Consult your doctor. This is not medical advice, just info I was told by my Dr..*

xo

Bailey

Just A Glimpse of Darkness.

*this post may contain triggers for those struggling with mental illness  so please proceed with caution if you think it might affect you or skip down to where you see "++" and read from there on*

I'm feeling very inspired and I'm feeling that fire in my soul that's making me feel like I might have something important to say.  So here's some word vomit from yours truly while I open up and talk about things I never have before-- 

For those of you who have followed my story  this last year- thank you. Whether it was out of curiosity, because you could relate, because you truly cared- thank you. I hope you aren't at the point where you roll your eyes whenever you see me post. Ha. There's a lot that I haven't written about and a lot that I haven't shared. I don't like to FORCE myself to write. I don't like to FORCE myself to post. I have a HUGE list of posts in my mind that I want to write, but I believe they will be written at the right time. And today for whatever reason, I'm feeling the need to share. 

I have a lot of emotions inside of me right now and so I hope that my words can come out the way that I am feeling them. 

I get worried people will associate me with my mental illness and not the other parts that come from it. I worry people think of me as broken, or someone who wants attention, or someone who is calling out for help..... when what I hope to do is inspire and connect and that people can see my strength and my growth. 

Mental illness is a very personal and individual thing. Which makes it complicated. People have different triggers, experiences, reasons for why they are they way they are, coping strategies etc. Someone else with anxiety might not relate 10000% to the experiences with it I share. But despite all of that, I hope so badly that people will look at me as someone who "gets it". That someone will be able to connect with this mess I call my life. Because i truly believe that connections and relating to one another is a huge part about what life is about. So here's me sharing a part of my story I've left out because I've been scared to open up about it and can be a hard topic to discuss. 

I’ve never talked about this to anyone before- because i've never felt the need to, but here I am writing this now. There were a few times this last year battling my consuming anxiety disorder and panic attacks that I remember thinking questions like- “What’s the point of all this? What is the point of living every day when just living is HARD to do? Is it really going to get better? Is there really anyone who can understand the amount of pain, struggle, and darkness I feel? Is it even worth trying to get better because it doesn't seem like I ever will? What if this is going to be my life forever? If it is, I don’t want this. If it is, I don't want to live.” 

Not in the sense that I wanted to end my life, but that I lost all hope in WANTING to live. Because of the all consuming mental illness I was struggling with, life just didn't seem worth it to me. The way I felt, the lack of things I was able to do, that WASNT living. In those moments I understood a glimpse of WHY people get to the point where they want to take their own lives. I understood WHY people with severe mental health problems or people with extremely difficult trials and struggles head down that road. I felt it in those moments. The weight. The despair. The "whats the point?" I personally do not have a depression - BUT there were EXTREMELY depressing moments during this time. Time when depression crept in and sucked all the happiness and joy out of me like a freaking dementor (harry potter fans heyyy).  

Those thoughts luckily did not consume me all day every day, they didn't make me suicidal- but I remember that terrifying helplessness. I remember the darkness that came with those questions. The heart break. The emptiness. It made me have extreme compassion and sympathy for people that ARE suicidal and that DO struggle with those thoughts on a daily basis or for periods of time. That is HEAVY stuff. And it broke my heart. Seeing into that little window of ultimate despair. The one where it showed me that LIFE CAN BE SO HARD TO THE POINT THAT SEEMS LIKE ITS NOT WORTH LIVING BECAUSE THATS THE ONLY WAY TO ESCAPE THAT HURT AND THAT PAIN. Just for a little while I feel like my eyes were opened to a whole different kind of pain. And it was heartbreaking.  How heartbreaking that mental illness can make people feel this way. How life shattering that your own mind becomes your worst enemy.

I NEVER got to the point where that despair and depression and thoughts were all consuming. But I do remember how broken I felt when those questions would cross my mind.  Those thoughts would come and go as I’m sure it does with many other mental illnesses.  Mental illness can seem hopeless. It can seem like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. It can seem like no one cares because its as though no one can understand. It can seem pointless to keep trying. It can seem like a never ending road of pain. I get that. But I truly truly truly believe no one is so broken  and damaged, and shattered that they can't be helped. I believe no one can be so far gone that they can't find light again in their life. I believe no one can be so overcome by sadness and hopelessness and despair that they don't have any more options. I believe in the words DON'T GIVE UP, KEEP GOING, YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS. 

++There is ALWAYS options. There is ALWAYS help. There is ALWAYS something. There is ALWAYS hope. ALWAYS. There are SO SO many resources and things that can help struggling, heart  broken, shattered people. 

I'm not saying its easy to find what works for you. It might take a while to get there and to find those answers, but I know that everyone can. I know because I've seen a glimpse of that darkness. I know because I felt broken and like there was no way I could ever feel like myself again. I know because I had to try and try and try and try and just take it a day at a time until eventually I could look back and see the ways I was changing. See the ways I was becoming something new, something better, something changed, something happier, something transformed. 

It's worth it to just keep taking that next step. Even if it is just a baby step. 

xoxo

Bailey

**I am not a Dr and if you or someone you love is experiencing suicidal thoughts, struggling with anxiety, struggling with depression or another mental illness SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP. See a Dr, see a specialist, get on medication, get into counseling and THEN try other options- meditation, yoga, self help books, spiritual leaders, other internet resources. HELP IS THERE. You don't have to do things all by yourself.**

My Letter of Gratitude to Anxiety.

Photo cred: Honeyseed Photography

For the past 2 days I have been working on my Solar Plexus Chakra. This chakra deals with your skin, pancreas, digestive tract, liver, and nervous system; personal power, self esteem etc. I was challenged to write a letter of gratitude to my biggest trial and to find PURPOSE in my trial. This is not going to be easy, and I've been putting it off for the past 2 days, but I know that's exactly why I needed to do it.

You probably already know who the culprit of my biggest trial is right now- ANXIETY. So here goes my gratitude letter to anxiety:

Dear Anxiety,
You have taught me a number of things in this past year that I am so grateful to have learned. You have pushed me beyond the limits I thought I could handle. You have made me break so I could become stronger. You have given me power in ways I never knew I had and ways I never knew you could.  You have brought me to my lowest of lows so I could CHANGE.

You have taught me. Taught me that I can do harder things than I think I can. That I can never fully be broken because I always find away to mend myself. That I can come out on top of the hardest moments of my life. You have taught me that I do not have control of everything, and that I need to be okay with that. That I need HELP to get through this life and that I can't do everything on my own.  You have taught me to take care of myself.

You have pushed me. You have pushed me down a life changing path. A path off self care, self love, and self worth. You have pushed me towards meditation, yoga, chakras, and self help books. You have pushed me towards being healthy mind, body, spirit. You have pushed me to turn to God. Pushed me to break so I could learn how to mend myself. Pushed me to take care of myself every single day.

You have made me strong. Stronger than I ever was before. Stronger mentally. Stronger from the  most overwhelming and difficult times so that I had to find a way to get through it. Stronger so I could learn to ask for help and so I  connect with people. Stronger so that I can recognize small victories every single day. Stronger so I know when to take a break and do things for myself.

You have given me power. Power to pick myself up off the ground when you become debilitating and my worst enemy. Power to know my limits and say no when I need to. Power to know myself and understand myself more than I ever thought possible.

So thank you. Thank you for pushing me to become the person I am now- no FORCING me. The person that knows her worth. The person that is extra grateful for life. The person that wants to help others that have to deal with you so that they can learn how to be grateful for you to. I never knew I would or could get to this point of gratitude, but now after all of this I am grateful.

xo
Bailey

My Constant Uphill Battle.

It's been a while since I talked about my anxiety openly. I think I just needed a break from it, things were going well and so it wasn't the #1 thing that was on my mind all the time like it used to be. This has been a LONG healing journey. It's lasted a lot longer than I expected and hoped it would. And I'm now realizing that I'm not sure this one has an end. Which is absolutely heart breaking to me. Like, on a scale of 1-10 I am sad about it a solid 11. I didn't want this to be something that stuck around. I didn't want to have to work on myself every single day. I didn't want living a "normal" life to become a challenge for me. But it is. And if I could just get over myself and ACCEPT it, my life would probably change for the better. I know that. But I am stubborn and it is SO hard for me to accept that anxiety might (will) be apart of my life forever. I just can't get it through my head.

It's hard to accept because I don't want it to define me. I don't want it to damage my relationships. I don't want it to affect my daily life like it did at the beginning of the year. I don't wan't it to make me not able to function. I don't want it to make me a bad wife/mother/sister/friend. I don't want it to hold me back. I don't want it to ruin my life. I don't want it to make happiness unattainable. Those are real fears of mine because at the beginning of the year it was all of those things for me.

It's hard to accept because I simply do not want it and I am not okay that I experience it. Like, duh who would- but I just resist it so much because I hate it. And that's probably the first thing a therapist would tell you is that resistance makes anxiety SO much worse. That anxiety is just heightened and feeds off of resistance. I get that. I understand that. That makes sense. But it is so freaking hard to no resist something that you hate and don't want. 

I do realize that my life did make a HUGE turn around once I had that huge "break through acceptance" moment at my therapist office in May. You can read about it here I can't wait to get back to that mindset. Just shows you this whole anxiety is constant ups,downs,twists,turns- you get it. It's not an uphill process. I can sit here and tell myself- just ACCEPT it. and drill that word into my head, but until I FEEL it, it doesn't do much. Until I believe it, it's just kind of a word. AND I KNOW I PROBABLY SOUND CRAZY BECAUSE THE ANSWER TO HELPING MYSELF IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME AND I AM TALKING ABOUT IT TO YOU GUYS BUT IT'S NOT THAT EASY. I wish it was. But I'm just keeping it real. And this will be my constant uphill battle with my anxiety.

When a panic attack or extreme anxiety sets in, it is hard to stay calm. and it is hard NOT to resist it. My first natural instinct is to try and make it so I am not feeling that way.  Obviously. But I've learned that makes it 1000x worse and it isn't until I distract myself by doing something, I am able to recognize it is just my anxiety and that I am not in any real danger, or I if I can tell myself "this is anxiety, it is okay that I feel this way, it is fine that it is uncomfortable. anxiety sucks, but it will pass and you've been through a lot worse" that I am able to get through it. 

These past few weeks have been really hard for me. I didn't have therapy for 2 months, and I got through it, but the last 2 weeks before I had another counseling appointment I felt like I was going backwards hard and fast. I hadn't had one of those weeks before and it was scary. I was anxious daily. Things that I had been able to do in the past few months were getting hard again. I wasn't feeling like myself. I was having to take my emergency pills again. I was having intense anxiety and ALMOST panic attacks. And I was very discouraged. So I went to my counseling appointment, worked through things, got on the right track again, and I am now officially "graduated" from therapy. Which scares the crap out of me because I do NOT feel like I am ready to be without my therapist because he has changed my life and helped me more than I could've ever even imagined. But I have the tools & I just have to live my life the best I can, even if it means with anxiety.

xoxo

Bailey

I'm not screwed. I'm not messed up. I don't have issues.

I'm doing better. Beginning to feel more like myself. Consistently not having to take my "emergency pills" and have more confidence in my ability to better manage my anxiety. And I even don't have to see my therapist for 2 whole months because I'm doing so much better.
When I look back on these past 6 months I feel grateful for the progress I've made and  how much easier living normal life has started to feel. I consider myself lucky in a way. Becaue back in January, when I was rock bottom, I could not even begin to picture the strides and milestones I have accomplished in this journey.
But that's the hardest part of this whole thing. It's a journey. It doesn't have a destination. It doesn't have the happy sweet ending that I had been begging and praying for. The one where my anxiety would go away, my panic attacks would end, and I would go back to how my life was before all of this. That was my goal. I had felt "normal" at one point in my life so I wanted to attain that again. It took me months before I even TRIED to accept the fact that anxiety was going to be a part of my life. I thought I had been accepting it, but deep down inside my goal was to justget RID of anxiety rather than learn how to live WITH it.
I had the greatest therapist ever. Hands down I could not have gone through this without his expertise, patience, and listening ears. I will forever be grateful for the things he taught me through this process.  2 sessions ago we had a "break theough" moment. I was getting frustrated with my anxiety. Frustrated that it wouldn't go away. Frustrated that besides medication and counseling there isn't much help for mental health. Frustrated that I wasn't making more progress. Frustrated that I was still having anxiety here and there. Frustrated about a million things. My therapist helped me to realize the reality of my situation, genetics, and mental illness. That the key to really progressing with anxiety is to ACCEPT it. It took me 4 months before I finally truly did this. It took me 4 months before I faced the heartbreaking truth I didn't want to be true. That I have anxiety and that's just a fact. No matter how much I try to not have it, I do. The. More I tried to wish it away, the more I couldn't. It wasn't until I fully accepted my anxiety that I finally felt powerful. It doesn't mean that I am "okay" wit having anxiety, heck no I am not! It doesn't mean I "like" my anxiety, not even a little. But I ACCEPT that I have it and that I am going to have to live my life differently than others.
I'm going to have to constantly take care of my mental health. I'm going to need to understand and know my limits. I'm going to have to push myself differently than others. I'm going to have to meditate and make self care a continual thing.  I'm going to be uncomfortable in many situations and I'm going to have to understand that and accept that about myself.
It's kind of an interesting brain transition. A weird thought process. And you better believe I was a heartbroken sobbing mess when I finally accepted that anxiety was apart of my life. But it really made all the difference. I've had to entirely change my relationship with anxiety. All of this doesn't mean I'm going to have extreme panic attacks and extreme anxiety like I experienced these past few months. It doesn't mean that I'm screwed for life. It doesn't mean that I can't still enjoy my life.  It doesn't mean that I'm messed up and have serious issues and have to struggle for the rest of my life. Cause believe me, I used to think all those things.
It all means that I have a better relationship & understand of my anxiety. That I know myself better. That I have tools and things I've had to practice the heck out of to be able to function better and live a more normal life. That I am not as terrified of my anxiety as I used to be. That I no longer am terrified of living life with this anxiety disorder I have.



Xoxo
Bailey

my late night honest thoughts about my anxiety

I try to be as open and honest with people about my anxiety as I can be. I don't sugar coat things and I don't exaggerate. I try to say what's on my mind and I try to paint a picture. To show people who don't personally experience anxiety how real it is. To show people who do personally experience anxiety THAT they aren't alone. To show people that everyone has their own personal struggles and trials they are dealing with. To show people that you can do hard things. You can survive the deep & dark.
Cause that's what mental illness is. The deep & dark. I don't think I would've ever called it that until now. The anxiety that I dealt with when I was growing up was hard-- but for different reasons. Back then it was anxiety. Now it is anxiety AND a panic disorder.
Back then  it was hard because no one talked about mental illness. It was hard because no one talked about anxiety. It was hard because I was put on medication when I was 10 years old and that was it!! No counseling services were offered. No follow ups were offered. No programs or reading material was offered. NOTHING! I was put on medication and that was that. I took my pills every night and I don't remember much about experiencing anxiety until middle school.
 In middle school when things got hard for me I had my parents to turn to but that was it. And to be honest I don't know if I was 100% iron and honest with them because I was so SCARED and didn't think they would understand! I didn't think they would be able to help me because I couldn't always describe my thoughts! I never full 100% opened up to anyone about the things that went through my mind and the constant worry I had and the panic attacks. And it was t until High School that I really got a grip on things and loved a mostly normal life. Anxiety didn't control my life and I got to experience so many awesome things that I'm grateful for.
But now? Anxiety &  this new panic disorder  is my deep & dark. And even though there are people who experience it and there are more people who are open about it, I still feel so alone. I've yet to meet someone who has experience similiar things to me. I've yet to hear or read about someone who has panic attacks that are like mine. I've yet to find someone who GETS me on that kind of a level.
It's hard. Going at it alone. I have friends, family, and a therapist that help me and support me, but sometimes it's just plain HARD. But I can do it & im getting through it, and if you feel this same way about your situation just know that you can get through it no matter how alone you feel.
And I get so frustrated with myself. It's hard knowing I "should" be/think/feel one way and I just CANT. It's hard when simple/normal things are difficult to do. It's hard when I can't explain myself to people or when people don't even try to understand or take me seriously. It's hard when I got to several different doctors and I can't find one that I feel like really takes me seriously, or explains things correctly, or is doing what's best for ME and not  just my symptoms/diagnosis.
It's hard but I'm SURVIVING. I'm not going to give up. I've come a really long way from where I was at mentally back in November. I'm accomplishing so many things I never would have dreamed of. I am learning to exist and live and function WITH my anxiety. My anxiety isn't going away completely, but I'm managing it better than I ever could have imagined. And I'm so grateful for where I am right now. Oddly, grateful for this healing journey because I've learned more about myself and life than I would've otherwise. I'm not glad or happy about what I've gone through, but I'm grateful.
And I really want to raise awareness about mental illness. And I really want to make a difference. And I really want to keep getting better & stronger. And I really want to find a state of mind that can accept anxiety 100% and be willing to live with it and live through it happily.

Xoxo
Bailey

On my mind.

I think the hardest part about having my anxiety/panic disorder has been learning to live WITH it rather than running AWAY from it. It's not easy. But now when the panic attacks set in, I am able to better get through them rather than completely shutting down & passing out. They still suck. They still are the worst thing ever. They still feel like hell, but I can function better.  I've had to see small victories as huge ones. I've had to work HARD EVERY SINGLE DAY to even feel HALF normal and to be able to function! That's been a weird transition and a hard one to accept. Im not glad I went through what I went through during November - February. Everyone says eventually you will be grateful for your trials, but this one I'm not. Those were the worst and darkest months of my life. Emotionally I hit rock bottom. And I truly did not even imagine being able to HEAL. I thought it was impossible. I thougt I was stuck. I don't know WHY I went through what I did and I hope I never have to experience it again. I learned a lot, and I grew a lot, but I didn't want to have to do it that way. But I've been trying to accept it. And I'm so glad I'm slowly getting better. To be honest I don't know what made the biggest difference in this healing process. I don't know what of the hundreds of things I did to CHANGE and GROW made the biggest difference. I think a huge thing was TRYING. CONSTANTLY to get better. Doing everything I could and trying anything I could think of to try and get even a small amount of relief. It's funny cause now when I have anxious moments and bad days I get so devastated, when a few months ago those would've been considered my good days cause things were so rough. I definitely have a different perspective & feel like I have a completely different mental state than I used to. I don't know why I'm writing this post exactly or why I open up so much  but I feel like there's still not enough mental illness awareness out there. I feel like things are taken too lightly. I feel like people use the words "anxiety" and "anxious" and "panic attack" way too loosely. I feel like it's hard for people to truly understand, and so I try to be as real and as honest as I can to paint even a little bit of a picture for others. I am a happy person, I have a lot of friends, I like doing normal things, I probably seem like I have a lot of my life together- so that's why I'm speaking out and sharing things that make me uncomfortable and make me feel vulnerable.

 I'm not done with this healing journey, but I'm on the uphill and count myself to be one of the lucky ones.
Xoxo Bailey

I never would've imagined..

Hey everyone! Haven't blogged in almost 2 months, my apologies! I don't like to blog just to post so usually i wait until I have something I really want to share. And today I feel  like I have something I want to share.

Something has happened that a few months ago I never would've imagined- I am starting to feel more like myself. Back in January I really thought I was stuck, and that I would never be happy again, normal again, and able to function again. I don't think people realize how SERIOUS I am being when I say that. I was at my lowest of lows and I thought I was stuck. I didn't know HOW I got to that point in my life and so I didn't know how to fix it. It was unreal the things I was experiencing and it all just hit me like a ton of red bricks and I was helpless. I'm not sure anyone can really understand unless they've been there. I wasn't suicidal, wasn't super depressed- but I was terrified. It's a scary thing when everyday normal life becomes a challenge to get through every single day and you know other people can't relate and that you are kind of in this on your own. I had people to support me, I had people to help, but really no one TRULY knew what I was going through.

These past few months I worked HARD, freaking HARD to try and get better, healthier, happier. And it's been a lot of work but it's starting to pay off. The BIGGEST thing that has helped me through all of this has been Counseling. It has changed my life. I don't think I would have been able to do HALF of the things that I did this last month if it wouldn't have been for therapy. And my husband and my family (obviously) to help push me and motivate me and keep me positive. Here is and update of what I have been able to do since I last blogged at the beginning of February. These are all tasks I wouldn't have even THOUGHT of doing back in January that I've accomplished-

+went to walmart by myself for 10 minutes to exchange something
+went to a few boutiques by myself for a few minutes
+was able to go to some families house without my husband and didn't feel like i was going to have a panic attack
+i walked into a store by myself while my husband parked the car
+i was able to go get a few groceries by myself while my husband was in another part of the store
+i drove longer than 40 minutes by myself
+went to a dr appointment by myself
+started selling LipSense
+started going to therapy by myself and eventually wasn't anxious every single time
+started being able to go to church without having constant anxiety every single time
+started being able to go to work without constant anxiety (but had to make a lot of adjustments to get to that point)
+i was able to go to a friends house without having a panic attack (still was very anxious though)
+ i went on a run by myself (right by my house but that was still an improvement)
+didn't have to back out of as many things as I did november-february
+got to a point where i finally let my husband and I plan for our Hawaii trip (still very anxious about it though)
+the most recent one- I went to the gym ALL BY MYSELF

Crazy how simple some of those tasks seem but those have been serious HUGE milestones for me. Some of them sound so silly, and probably hard to understand why those would've been hard for me, but they were. This is what I  LITERALLY thought back in January-

+i would not be able to have kids because of my anxiety
+i would have to quit my job because of my anxiety
+my husband wasn't going to want to be married of me because of my anxiety
+i was going to lose all my friends because of my anxiety because i wouldn't be able to leave my house
+we were never gong to be able to go to hawaii or ANYWHERE because of my anxiety
+i would never be able to go grocery shopping on my own(still haven't but I'm working towards it)
+i would always be anxious everyday for the rest of my life
+i wouldn't be able to exercise or go to the gym ever again
+i would have to just stay in my house all day everyday

THAT IS NOT HOW I THINK ANYMORE. THAT IS NOT ME ANYMORE. MY ANXIETY IS NOT ME ANYMORE. I have it, yes. I struggle with it, yes. I've come to grips that it's going to be a long battle, but I am FUNCTIONING better than I thought I ever would. Doing things I never would've imagined. I'm coming back to myself. Things are still difficult for me today. My comfort zone is still pretty small. I still can't do everything on my own and still can't wrap my mind around a few things, but I've made progress. A LOT of progress. Back in January I would've rated my overall wellness a solid 2/10 and now at the end of March I would give it a 7/10. Working towards that 10/10! It is possible to have anxiety AND live a happy life. 

xox
Bailey

I'm Bailey, that one girl who has anxiety.

I go back and forth with being so open about my anxiety through my blog and social media.

I want to share it because: 

+I know there are so many people out there who struggle with it. Who need someone to relate to. To know that they aren't alone. And that's a HUGE thing for me because most of my life I've felt so alone because of it.

+I want people to know they can talk to me about it! That they can share their story with me, or get hope or understanding from mine.

+I want people to know that mental illness isn't this taboo or unreal thing.

+I'm selfish and I hope that there's someone out there who will reach out to me to help me through this sucky phase

+ I just feel like  I need to be real and open about this. Simple as that.

I don't want to share it because:

+ I don't want people to think that I am asking for pity, or that I'm trying to get attention and sympathy. 

+It's not always easy to talk about and I don't want people to judge me or misunderstand things I say. + I don't want people to think of me as "Bailey, that one girl who has anxiety" in a negative way.

+ I don't want people to look at me as someone who complains or just talks about negative things and is a hot mess.

But this is my blog and for some reason my posts about anxiety and struggles seem to be the ones that get the most views, by A LOT. I don't know why that is but I think we like to know we aren't alone. I think anxiety isn't a subject a lot of people are open about- which is totally okay- and that people just like to hear about my experiences with it. Either to relate to it, learn from it, or just out of curiosity. But really I think our souls crave knowing that other people struggle to. And I'm struggling, obviously. 

The hardest part about my anxiety right now is that I have to WORK HARD every single day. Every single day is a battle. Every single day is hard. Honestly. And i'm just getting so tired of it. "Tired of it" as in I'm so fed up. And "tired of it" as in I'm exhausted. I'm tired of LIFE being HARD. That just living, doing normal everyday things, are HARD right now. It's honestly so discouraging. Don't get me wrong- I've seen a lot of progress in the past month. If you would've told me I would be where I am right now 4 weeks ago I wouldn't have believed it. Not one bit. So i'm not discrediting myself because I am an entirely different person now. And I am so grateful I am getting better and slowly healing. But I'm so hard on myself and I just thought this would magically go away. That's the truth. I really thought once my medication kicked int, and I went to counseling, and made all my positive life changes that it would just stop and I would go back to normal. For whatever reason it just hasn't.  I got too hopeful because of how much better I was feeling. I was feeling more and more normal and it got me so happy and so excited, which is a good thing. But I thought it would be this awesome, constant, uphill. And just on Wednesday I went through an entire day of work without taking one of my "emergency anxiety" pills. A WHOLE DAY OF WORK. I was so pumped. That morning I wasn't even anxious, so much that I didn't even think of anxiety once that morning. But then that night I had a panic attack.  I hadn't had one of those since back in December. And each day since then hasn't been easy. I don't feel like it put me back at square 1, but it knocked me down. And it has me so discouraged. 

It's hard to imagine myself ever being myself again. I HATE that. I HATE that anxiety is a hope crusher. I hate that it is such a MENTAL thing that is affecting my life so much. It's not something I can just go have surgery on and get it fixed. It's not something I can just pretend isn't there. It's not something I can just talk myself out of having.  Like, that SUCKS. I think that is one of the worst things about mental illness. The part where I seem normal. And i'm expected to be normal and act normal. Because you can't see it. Someone who has a broken leg, you can SEE it. You KNOW they are probably in pain, that they probably can't walk, that they probably need to take things slow, that they have limitations for right now, but that eventually they will be okay. Well my brain is broken right now. But no one can see it and no one can understand it and no one really knows how to help me. And I just feel stuck. 

I have to hold on to the fact that I was getting better. That I have made progress. That I am doing better and I have more tools and ways to cope. I get that, and good for me. But I guess I just really hoped it would magically go away. That after 2 months of misery and pain and anguish that it would get better and go away. I thought these past 2 months would just be this weird flukey thing and my anxiety would just go back to how my old anxiety was which was manageable. But this week showed me that it's probably not doing to be like that. Which sucks. And that's hard for me to accept. It's hard for me to accept that my life is like this right now. Because I am a strong person and I don't like to be weak. But I am right now. I am weak and fragile. And I have to accept that healing isn't linear.... it's ups and downs and spins and twists. Even though I hate that. This really is just going to be a journey. I know I need to be more patient and more loving towards myself but mental illness is so darn frustrating. But I promise to keep fighting. I'm Bailey, that one girl who has anxiety, but I'm an anxiety warrior. 

xoxo

Bailey

What's In My Self Care Tool Kit?

Self Care has been a HUGE part of my Healing Journey. HUGE HUGE HUGE. A few months ago, before my anxiety came in and tried to take over my life, I was feeling kind of blah. This was my life almost everyday- I would wake up, go to work, come home and watch Netflix on my lunch break and decide what I was going to make for dinner, go back to work, come home and make dinner, maybe get in workout, spend time on snapchat, insta, Facebook, sometimes Pinterest, cuddle with my hubby and spend an hour to 2 watching Netflix, get ready for bed and go to bed. Does that sound familiar to anyone else? It was a routine, and life was good, but I just felt like I didn't have TIME. For anything. And I was just going through those motions. I had tons of things I WANTED to do - yoga, meditation, calligraphy, learn about makeup, clean, organize etc. But it just felt like I couldn't fit it in anywhere and that there wasn't a purpose for everything I wanted to do. Then I came across a few "Self Care" Pins on Pinterest and became so INSPIRED.

I loved the idea of MAKING time for myself!  I loved the idea of doing things I wanted to do just because I want to do them and they will make me happy! That I could take time out of my busy day to draw a hot bath, put bubbles or a bath bomb in, light some candles, plug in my himalayan salt lamp, watch grey anatomy on my laptop and just CHILL THE HECK OUT and just ENJOY myself without feeling guilty! That I could make time for ME and do some yoga and just focus on myself- mentally, physically, spiritually. Self Care opened up this whole new world and changed my perspective and how I live my life. It's not in any way just another thing to add to my "to-do" list, it is ME time to check in with my well being and get recharged/recentered.

Here is my Self Care Tool Kit. Take note that I don't always use all of these "tools" at the same time or even everyday! I use different ones at different times of the day and it also depends on my mood! But I definitely use at least 3-5 of these every single day! These are my little things that make a big difference everyday--

1. My Himalayan Salt Lamp
Himalayan Salt Lamps are said to increase energy levels, improve mood & concentration, purify the air, and decrease stress levels. I ALWAYS have this on when I am doing yoga, meditating, reading, bathing, or just trying to relax! It really helps me feel at peace and is soothing to me.

2. Aromatherapy
I love to use candles, my essential oil diffuser, and my favorite bath bombs or bath salts. My favorite candle right now is Bath and Body Works Mahogany Teakwood High Intensity candle. I always carry around an essential oil blend with me for when I'm feeling really stressed and need to recenter myself or focus on something else.

3. Self Help Books
I recently started You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay and it has seriously changed my life. I would recommend this book to everyone and anyone! It makes me feel so empowered and like I can accomplish anything that I want! It has different exercises to do throughout the book that have really been great at changing my perspective, making me a more positive and forgiving person, and helping me with my anxiety. This is the first self help book I have read and I'm so excited to read more after this one!

4. Journaling
I have my personal journal where I will write about anything and everything, I'm not as good at writing in it as I used to be when I was younger but it's nice when I feel like I just need to write my thoughts down or talk about what is going on in my life.  I also recently started -what I call- my "Healing Journal". I started my healing journal when I began counseling as a way to write down things I learned from therapy. I LOVED writing in it and decided to dedicate an entire journal to my Healing journey! I write down thoughts I have after meditation or yoga, quotes from Pinterest that apply to my healing journey, positive affirmations, and quotes from the self help book I am reading that I want to remember.

5. Yoga
Over the past month I have learned that yoga isn't just about "stretches" and being able to do awesome poses and headstands. It is actually a really spiritual and peaceful time for me. It's my time to connect and to heal - mind, body, and spirit.

6. Mindfulness Meditation
I can't say enough how much I love the Headspace app! If I am anxious when I wake up I try and do a 10 minute session to clear my head or I do it at lunch! It feels so good to take a break from thinking and to try to live in the moment. To just focus on here and now instead of all the unrealistic/future/anxious thoughts that I am so good at creating. I just get to clear my head and focus on how I am right then and there in that moment.

7.Pinterest
I love Pinterest so much because it is all about me! Sounds so selfish, but whatever, it's the truth. I love that it's my own vision board of everything I love! It helps me clear my head and fill it with all things lovely and me!

8. Organizing
I am queen of getting rid of things. I don't like extra clutter and sometimes I get so sick of saying "maybe i'll wear that/use that someday" because usually I don't. Sometimes I just take 1 drawer or a shelf or a section of  a room and just reorganize and throw things away! Other times I take time to organize my Pinterest boards, music playlists, or apps on my phone.


xoxo
Bailey

The Beginning of My Healing Journey

December 2 I was thrown into this whole knew realm of anxiety. It transformed to Panic Disorder and then to Agoraphobia. It was this whole new thing for me that I have never experienced and I could have never imagined that I would go through it. I'll spare you all the details and get to the good part. The part where I finally have hope back in my life. The part where I am yelling it out to the Universe that I CAN DO THIS. 

This is transformation time for me because I've chosen to make it that. I've chosen to FIGHT this and try everything that I possibly can to manage my anxiety and take back MY life. I was brought so low, SO SO low, lower than I could have ever imagined, so that I could CHANGE and TRANSFORM. Sounds super dramatic and/or cliche, right? But it's true. And it's taken me a while to get to this point but I'm on this journey right now to help myself heal (I just love that word so much).

Here is my healing journey so far-

A week and a half a go I chose certain things that I was going to work on and and ways I was going to change. I didn't want to just let anxiety run my world and I didn't want to just sit around and wish it away. I wanted to actively be doing things to help myself! And I was willing to do and try anything. Seriously. I was so so stuck you guys. Anyways these things have brought me hope over the past few weeks and are a big part of my healing journey.

+Research- I wanted to learn more about anxiety, panic disorders, and agoraphobia. I went to Dr Google and searched everything and anything about them. I feel like it helped me to understand why my body was doing this in order to help me to change it. I read tons of great articles that gave tons of great insights and advice on how to overcome it and things to try. Anxiety Coach and Calm Clinic were great and useful websites!

+Yoga- I've been wanting to get more into yoga these past few weeks so I figured now would be the perfect time. I started reading about Yoga and how it can help anxiety! The Yoga Journal has some awesome articles about yoga and anxiety together and separate. (Here's an awesome article that really was helpful to me!) I started doing yoga every day and using that time to just focus on me and healing. It was incredible how much peace and hope I found by doing this. I started learning more about yoga, chakras, mantras, intentions, balance and became hooked. I started by pinning a bunch of yoga tutorials, pictures, and flows from Pinterest so that I could learn and do more. Here is my Yoga board that helped me to get started.

+Meditation-I read and watched a lot of videos about meditation and all the benefits of it. I have used the app Headspace  many times and after doing the free trial 2x I saw how meditation really was beneficial for me. I loved how I could just take an absolute BREAK for 10 minutes and just be at peace and recenter myself and I wanted more so I purchased it and I'm SO happy that I did! It has taught me a lot about not reacting to my thoughts and how to separate my emotions from my thoughts.

+Counseling- I have gone to counseling 3 times in the past week and a half and I'm so grateful that I started it. It feels so good to be able to get feedback from someone who has tools that they can teach me to help myself cope and manage my anxiety. I have loved having an outlet where I can be 100% uncensored and honest that they truly care and do understand. It's not only helping me with my anxiety but other aspects of my life as well. The biggest thing I have learned so far is how I need to ACCEPT my anxiety. I think for my whole life I tried to FIGHT it, and accepting it just seems crazy to me because I DONT WANT IT. I DONT WANT IT TO BE APART OF ME. But my counselor has helped me to realize that I have it, and there's nothing I can do about that fact, so I need to accept it. It is changing my life. 

+ Self Care- I found a Pin about Self Care that lead me to this Blog. I LOVE this post and this blog!!  It sparked something inside of me and I am obsessed with the thought about self care! It kind of just fit in with everything I was trying to work on for the past few weeks! And just shows how IMPORTANT self care is! Even if it just 10-30 minutes a morning or evening. TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF and recenter and have peace and happiness! I'll be blogging a lot more about this later. But a big part of my self care is taking the time to journal again! I used to be an avid journal write growing up then I was not so good at it. Now I am getting to much peace from writing!

+Positivity- I watched the Documentary The Secret on Netflix. The graphics are super cheesy and I do not like how the Documentary is put together but I LOVE the message. It's all about the Law of Attraction and how you can have the life that you want by putting it out into the universe, making it known, and pretending like it's already yours. ANYWAYS, I would recommend it to everyone because of the message but maybe try and find the book because I liked that better! ANYWAYS- each morning, when I'm doing yoga, or if I catch my thoughts are super negative, and every night I have a few phrases that I say to myself to make me more positive. Anxiety has this way of wanting to scare you and trap you and tell you that you will always be that way and that you will always be stuck and that everything has a negative or scary ending. But turning my thoughts into positive ones has been SO powerful in my everyday life. Just saying a few simple positive phrases! 

"Many times when God isn't changing your circumstance it's because He's mostly concerned with changing YOU within your circumstance. Your character, your inner strength, your integrity matters to Him because they are everlasting qualities. The wisdom, the strength and the maturity that grows within you are all things you're going to need to sustain the calling God has on your life. Know that there is a purpose in your pain."

Keep Fighting everyone!!

xoxo

Bailey

Images via Pinterest

it's all right it's all right it's all right

I truly believe that time heals everything. That the key to healing is taking small steps in the right direction. Because when you are broken or struggling, it's easy to think that it's going to last forever. That you will never be happy or normal again. Because I know I have felt that way in the past as I do right now. And right now I have to keep reminding myself, and having my husband remind me of that. That trials don't last forever. That the pain and anxiety and struggle I am having right now won't last forever. That it just takes time. And I think the thing that matters the most is the fact that we are all TRYING. That we aren't giving up. That you are doing your best even if your best isn't what you would like it to be. I believe that healing takes time and that there is a reason for that. That there is a reason we go through trials, not necessarily that they were "supposed" to happen, or that "everything happens for a reason" but in general- we go through trials to grow. To learn. To fight. To survive. And that that is the reason we have them. They aren't there to define us. My mental illness does not define me. It is a trial I am having right now.

December was probably one of the hardest months of my entire life. Anxiety just kind of settled into my life like a long lost friend that I couldn't get rid of. My medically triggered anxiety transitioned to Agoraphobia. It's like I don't even know who I am anymore, and that's scary. I HATE that. Because I don't want this to be me. I don't want to be terrified of going anywhere without my husband. I don't want to struggle going to work. I don't want to be on the verge of a panic attack when we are just hanging out with friends and family. I don't want to be on edge 24/7 and unable to find peace unless I am at my own home. It's a vicious cycle. And I don't expect anyone to understand unless they have truly had a panic attack and real anxiety. This might seem like I am exaggerating, or that I just need to suck it up and get over it, or that I am just really stressed- NO.  My heart truly goes out to other people who have suffered with this extent of anxiety or agoraphobia for lengths of time. I have struggled for a month and it is paralyzing and debilitating. I can't imagine having this be apart of my everyday life. Right now I just can't function like myself. And I've accepted it, but I haven't accepted that that is how my life is always going to be. Because that's not me and I refuse to let this anxiety take over my life. I am going to get through it, over time, because I have faith that I can.  Even though sometimes it doesn't seem like it will end and that I will ever be able to go into public by myself again, or that I will be able to sit and have a conversation with someone without feeling the need to run away. I have to have faith that I will be able to shake this.

I will say that through all this my eyes have been opened to a new perspective. That you truly don't know what other people are going through. At all. I can't imagine people feeling the way that I do everyday.  And I'm not saying that in a self pity type of way AT ALL.  It just makes me wonder who else around me struggles like this, or even worse. If the person next to me at the grocery store is struggling to stand there,  even though they don't have a reason to be anxious, that jus getting out of bed was hard for them that day. You never know. You don't know why people do what they do. And you don't know what people have fully been through to bring them to the point in their life that they are at now. That we can't judge. And we can't assume. We just can't. That we should forgive and love, because that is what is important. That self love is so important. That I need to focus on myself right now and not be ashamed for being selfish. That I need to get help from a counselor to try and help my thoughts even though I want to just do this by myself- I CANT. That I need to focus on my health and becoming stronger- physically, mentally, and emotionally. That I need to cling to God and Christ. Submit my will to theres because I clearly don't know what to do at this point in my life. I know that through Christ I can do all things. And that HE is the only person who knows what I am going through. And that He won't leave me comfortless but that He will require me to push through things and grow. That He knows what is best and that He is cheering me on and WANTS me to be okay again too. But If He just took this suffering way from me, I wouldn't be changed. I wouldn't transition and grow as much as I know I will.

I am open about this because I feel like I need to be right now. I feel like I need to be real and to not be ashamed of my mental illness. I feel like if there is even 1 person that can relate to me, that can read my words and know what i am talking about, that can get hope from my experiences- that's worth it to me. That if someone who knows someone with a mental illness like this can have a little bit more compassion or get insight on how to understand them better- that's worth it to me. Because I wish growing up I had someone I could talk to about what I was going through besides my parents. I wish I had someone that would have understood. Someone who could have empathized with me and given me hope and helped me to understand anxiety better. That would have been nice.

 I haven't "overcome" it and I haven't "gotten through it" so that's why this time is different. I'm writing about it as I go. To look back and see my progress. To see how my thoughts and perspectives will change. So that one day, if this ever happens again, I will KNOW without a doubt that I can get through it. So that maybe i won't be as scared and worried as I am right now. That maybe I will believe that everything will be all right.

xoxo
Bailey

images via pinterest

Opening up about my panic attacks.

I've rewritten this blog post 5 times now because nothing feels right. So I'll just get real-
Last week was the hardest week of my entire life. Hands down the roughest time of my life. I was so scared because I thought I wasn't going to get better. I thought that that anxiety I was constantly feeling was ME. I felt like no matter what people told me, I was going to be stuck living my life with constant anxiety. It was miserable. I thought i was going to have to quit work and that my husband was going to be burdened with me. But, I got through it- well, I'm GETTING through it. And that's what I have to focus on. The things that I COULD and CAN do.

The thing that was so different about last week is that EVERYTHING and ANYTHING slightly stressful was sending me into panic attacks. Whereas before it was mostly just medical things-- and honestly High School-College I really didn't have panic attacks at all! I would be anxious here and there but I really had only had a few full on panic attacks. When I would go to get shots or blood drawn or anything that I knew was going to make me anxious like that I would just tell them beforehand that I might pass out. I would have them talk to me to take my mind off of everything and I could handle it. I had tons of medical stuff done over the past few years and I managed it. I had it under control. And I definitely wasn't worried about fully passing out/panic attacks because those were so rare and usually I could prepare myself so I wouldn't have them. But the end of October changed that for me.

Every few months I have to do a weekend shift at the Hospital for work. It's always been a challenge for me but I've always managed-but not this time. Here's a glimpse into my full on panic attack/passing out episode I had--
My breathing became shallow and my heart began to race- that's always the first sign. So I talk myself through taking nice deep breaths and tell myself I can do this, I am fine, There is nothing wrong. I continue working and my body tenses up and I go into cold sweats and the breathing and heart racing just get more intense. No no no, I am FINE. I am OKAY, I can do this. Don't pass out. You are literally 100% fine. I needed to get myself out of this situation or else it was going to end bad. So I went and sat down for a second to get a grip. I took nice deep breaths, talked myself through it some more, felt like I had a grip on the situation-because really, it was a safe and okay situation, and went back. After 1 minute it just hit me like a ton of red bricks and my body went numb. Numb isn't the best description but I don't know how else to describe it- buzzing, weakness, no control over my body, like i'm drowning- numb. I grabbed the nurse to try and explain to her what was happening so she wouldn't panic and then everything went pitch black and I knew I was on the floor. My surroundings seemed to distant and I couldn't see anything but I was still awake. And I could feel how numb I felt and my cold sweats and the ground beneath my body. But I couldn't feel anything else, I was just limp and weak and stuck in my own body. I heard people in the background but I was unable to understand what they were saying and I couldn't process anything anyone was asking me at the moment. It sounded like I was under water. But the thing is, I'm still awake, just there, and I feel like I am dying because I can't imagine anything else feeling worse than this. I don't know how long I was there for but my vision came back, my feeling came back, my body was drenched in cold sweat and I was so tired and exhausted I felt like I had run a marathon.

And after this moment, my anxiety was set off for all of November. It was like my body finally remembered what anxiety truly was and everything began to set me off. It was miserable. The dentist office, the chiropractors office, relief society meetings, church meetings, going shopping with my family, work- Just EVERYTHING. And I was so miserable because 1 moment I would be fine, then the next I was going into a panic attack. Then I was having anxiety about having a panic attack and it was a vicious cycle. Panic attacks are the WORST things I've ever experienced. I was getting crushed because I didn't know why my body was doing this! For so long I had had it under control and since August, getting off of birth control, I had felt so much more normal and HAPPY. And then I guess 2 Thursdays ago was just my breaking point from all the anxiety I felt that month and from all the fighting I had been doing trying to stay strong.

I had a panic attack at work. I didnt full on pass out like the hospital, but I was about a phone call away from doing so. Meaning,  it was so bad I had to call my MOM and she had to come get me from WORK because if she didn't I was going to be passed out in the bathroom floor. You guys, I am 21 years old and my mom had to come get me from work and take me to the doctors. How embarrassing, but you guys don't get how BAD and AWFUL it was. It was literally what I had to do. And that's what led to the last blog post. Because it was the last straw that just set me into this constant anxious frenzy and I just can't handle anything. And life has just been really HARD since then.

But I'm getting better. I'm praying a lot. I'm exercising. I'm meditating and using the app Headspace. I'm reading my scriptures on my own and with my husband. I'm trying to stay calm. I'm trying to change my thoughts and my thinking. I'm trying to live in the now. I'm proud of myself, that I'm pushing through this. Because what I WANT to do is just stay home all day every day and just go at my own pace and just not do anything. I've had to really push myself to function and do normal everyday tasks. Work is SOOOOO hard for me right now.  But I'm working through it, even though it's the toughest thing I've had to do. Even though I have to take some baby steps. Even though I have to take medicine to help me function. I am pushing through this tough time in my life. I have to remind myself I am strong. And that I want to be strong for other people too. And I guess that's why I am sharing this in the first place. Sharing this while it is current and fresh in my life rather than waiting until I have overcome it. I'm talking about it while I am fighting. Which is kind of uncomfortable for me because I don't want to appear weak to people or for people to think that I want pity- I don't.  But this is a part of my story-my LIFE story. And I do hope that someone reading this will feel peace and comfort knowing they aren't alone in this. And that they can fight to. And that it is okay to fight. It is okay to not have a perfect life. It is okay to be broken and have to build yourself back up. Because I know I find comfort reading about other people who struggle with anxiety and learning how they fight and push through their trial.

xo

Bailey

Right now I am strong, but I am also very broken.

Right now I am strong. Strong because I am making it through each day when It feels like sometimes I can't. Strong because I am getting up out of bed in the morning when I feel like there are weights keeping me there. Strong because I am attempting to overcome the things that are causing anxiety to run my life right now. Strong because I am trying new medicine to see if it makes things more bearable even though I hate being on medicine. Strong because small victories have to be my big victories. Strong because I've had to open up to people about my trials right now to try and have them understand even though I know they won't be able to. Strong because I refuse to give up. Strong because I am going to work everyday even when it's difficult for me to just be there. Strong because I refuse to think that my life is going to be like this forever. Strong because I am asking God for help. Strong because I am trusting my Savior.

But right now I am also very broken. More broken than I've ever imagined. Broken because I can't function like I used to, like I want to. Broken because I thought I was strong and that anxiety wasn't going to be a constant companion in my life- right now it is. And this past week has rocked my world into a whole other universe. It's been the hardest thing I've ever experienced. I've been ashamed and humiliated because of it. It's anxiety like I have never felt. Normal every day tasks have become HUGE milestone accomplishments if I can get to them.  And I feel weak. Rock bottom weak. Weak because I want to feel normal again and I just can't.  Weak because I want to jump right back into my normal life and not have panic attacks with normal everyday stuff- and that has never been an issue before. Weak because I'M supposed to be the strong one to help other people, not the other way around. And I've managed my panic attacks for YEARS.  So what happened now? I wish I knew because then maybe I could fix it. And I have sympathy for people who have this type of anxiety. I can't believe that this type of anxiety I have experienced this past week is probably other peoples reality at times- or maybe all the time. And I am grateful that this is not my normal anxiety that I have had to deal with. 

Maybe that is why I am having this mega trial right now. To make me grateful for the anxiety that I normally have. To show me that it could be worse. To remind me that I am blessed. To remind me that it is okay to not be okay and okay to ask for help. To humble me and try to help me accept that I am not in control. That God is in control. To bring me so low, and so scared, and so far away from myself that I have to rely on God to bring me back. I have to rely on the Savior to believe and have faith that he has felt what I am feeling now so that He can sympathize with me and hold my hand through this. That He can remind me that I can get out of this rut. That He can remind me that I am NOT my anxiety. And that I need to be okay with not being in control, and to rely on Him. Because that's hard for me to do because I just want to be able to fix myself. But this past week has shown me that I can't.

I am so so blessed to have the husband, family, friends, and co-workers that I have in my life right now. Who are rooting for me and doing things to help me through this difficult time even if they can't fully understand what I am going through. I am grateful that I can find strength through them to push through difficult times. Because sometimes I just want to give up. Fighting is exhausting. And sometimes giving up seems like the only option, but I know I can't. Because I don't WANT anxiety to define me. I don't WANT anxiety to control my life. And I believe it is possible to get back to having control over it again. Even when sometimes it seems like it isn't possible, I know all things are possible through Christ. I know that He is aware of me and that He will guide me. And I'm trusting in Him and His timing so that I can feel whole again and learn the things that I am supposed to right now. 

To anyone else struggling like this right now, just hang in there. Ask yourself if you can get through the next 10 minutes, and if you can get through those next ten minutes do it. Then ask yourself that question again, and keep getting through 10 minutes and the next 10 minutes and the next 10 minutes and when you get through the day be PROUD of yourself that you got there. That you made it through minutes and hours that seemed unbearable. 

xoxo

Bailey

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surviving through the deep and dark.

"you get to a point where it starts to feel okay to feel again,
and the midnight air doesn't suffocate you,
and the sky doesn't seem to hang so low anymore,
and if i would've told myself this a month ago,
that it'd all be okay,
i wouldn't have believed it,
but here i am,
standing in the middle of a forest with no one around for miles and a miles,
and i do not feel alone."
-m.k.


I used to love words. Not even just love them, but I was passionate about them. If I read something that intrigued me- it captured me. I felt like I was apart of it- and it was apart of me, and I had to write it down. To keep it forever, so i don't forget. To try and hold onto that feeling that I felt in that moment.  Words would literally make me feel alive. Writing them, reading them, creating them. And for the first time in a long time, this poem did that for me today. My soul feels awake. And I wrote this poem down. And I wish I could take what I feel inside right now and give a piece of it to all of you so you could understand how real this is for me. Because this poem is me. And i've been away for a while. Trying to rebuild myself from a long dark road of anxiety and depression. Because it broke me. More broken than I've ever been before. And i'm not going to be dramatic but I'm not going to sugar coat it either because that's not being real, and I'm being real.

I used to be able to write about pain. I used to be able to turn my dark feelings inside of me into words. It was an escape.  I was turning something dark into something beautiful. And I think that's why I love words so much. And honestly, I love honest- real- true- broken- dark- unedited words. Because we all feel that way sometimes. At least, in my mind I think we do. That at some point we all feel broken down and lost. But no one likes to talk about it. No one likes to talk about their true feelings because of what ifs. What if people will judge me? What if no one understands? What if I open up and no one can respond to it how I hope it would? What if no one takes me seriously? What if I am alone? What if I'm a lost cause?

And I couldn't handle the way I was feeling. I couldn't get myself to write it down. I couldn't get myself to speak about it. I couldn't get myself to come to grips with how I was really feeling. Because it was terrifying. And if I spoke about it, wrote about it, talked about it that would be making it real. And I didn't want it to be real anymore. I didn't want to have the crippling anxiety and the devastating depression. I didn't want to be that person. I wanted the person who I used to be but I literally could NOT get to her. No matter how I wanted to be myself, no matter how I wanted to do the things I used to do and say the things I used to say and think the things I used to think I COULD NOT. Because I was broken and the only one that could put myself back together was me and I did not know where all the pieces were hiding. I searched for them, I did, but they were hidden for so long. Almost an entire year of not knowing who you were to the realest and truest interpretation of that.

I think we don't like to talk about how we feel sometimes, because we don't want to take the chance of opening up and not being able to find someone who feels like we feel. That we won't be able to find someone who has the same soul as us. Someone who knows your pain because at one point it was their own. It's scary. But recently I have realized that sometimes that's what we all need. To have someone be brave enough to open up and be raw and say the things that we already think. To scream out the insecurities and worries and thoughts that we all have had at some point. To say the words that you have lived through. And survived. Because we are humans and we have to survive. Everything we do in this life is to survive. And when you get to the point where survival isn't important to you and you can't survive- what then. So, we survive. And hope that others choose to survive. And we live our lives surviving for ourselves and surviving to help others and to influence others survival.

So- if you're at a point in your life where you feel like you can't get through it. That the pain is endless. That the anxiety is unmanageable. That life is too harsh and too dark. That the depression has taken over your life and become who you are. That you truly believe you can't get back to happiness and hope and who you were at one point- or who you want to be. You can. And you might not believe it  now, but you literally CAN. And sometime you just have to wait. Because time heals. Eventually something clicks. Eventually you find what you need. And you rebuild yourself. Even if it is from ground 0, you rebuild and keep building and never stop. And if you don't get to that point you keep trying. And down the road, think of all the times you didn't think you could make it through. And you DID. Depend on those times. Because we are all survivors if we choose to be. We can do hard things because life is tough but so are you.

xoxo,
Bailey