Anxiety Medication + Pregnancy

Hi everyone. No, I'm not pregnant. But I really really really wanted to share this information with people because there is a lot of "rumors" and "he said she said" and "myths" about taking anxiety or depression medication while pregnant that I feel like needs to be cleared up. Why? Because a lot of stuff you have probably heard might not be 100% accurate or true and I feel like people need to be informed so that they can make the best decision for them and their babies. And because it gave me a peace of mind, and might help someone else too.

I have always heard that if you take anxiety medication while you are pregnant you will have a baby with autism. Every time that I've searched "anxiety medication & pregnancy" I've seen things like "Medication should be the last result. Taking medication will hurt your baby. It will make your baby addicted. It will make your baby deformed" and other things that really terrified me and made me feel horrible for being on anxiety medication! As well as made me fear for the future when I had to be off of the medication. BUT I will say that  now I realize all of those websites were NOT scientific websites and if they had citations they were all from before the year 2000 and a lot were not 100% accurate! So like don't believe everything you read on the internet. DUH.

So over the past few months I have learned A LOT from my mental health Dr that I feel like others in my situation  (those who take anxiety or depression medications) should know about too! I will start off by saying this is a very personal decision that you, your husband, and your doctor need to discuss and that it's different for everyone depending on their situation-obviously. And that my main reason for sharing this is  not to encourage people to take anxiety/depression medication during pregnancy but to give those who DO NOT really have the option of being off of their anxiety/depression medication while being pregnant hope and to tell them that THATS OKAY. And to tell other people who are judgmental of these people that they need to STOP JUDGING PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE MEDICATION FOR MENTAL HEALTH BEFORE/DURING/OR AFTER PREGNANCY BECAUSE THAT'S NO ONE ELSE'S BUSINESS AND THEY ARE DOING WHAT IS BEST FOR THEM AND THEIR BABY AND THEY ARE NOT BAD MOMS OR UNEDUCATED OR CARELESS OR HURTING THEIR BABY. OKAY!?

SOOOOO now lemme get to the point- As me and Pax have discussed having babies, it was important for me to go and talk to my mental health DR about options BEFORE I get pregnant for several reasons-
1) For me, my anxiety is often triggered by medical things and situations. And it's been really HARD for me to even imagine being pregnant and being okay BECAUSE of my anxiety. I know that being pregnant might be a very hard time for me mentally and I wanted to prepare in any way I could
2) I wanted to know if the things I mentioned above were true and that I needed to get off of medication before having a baby or if it was okay to take medication while pregnant and what the risks really are!
3) I wanted to know all of my OPTIONS from a PROFESSIONAL.

SO here are just a few things I learned and felt like were share worthy.

Taking anxiety medication while you are pregnant has its risks.  BUT there are medications that have LESS risks. There are a few specific anxiety medications that have shown INCREASED risks for babies but even then the risks were still not that common. I personally did not know there were different "levels" of risks with different medications and that there are some that are "more" okay to be on when pregnant. I really thought that I would have to come off of my meds completely OR ELSE. I liked this info because if I end up needing to be on medication while I were pregnant I could be on one with LESS risk. (which I currently am!)

It would be optimal if women could get off of their anxiety medications before they are pregnant BUT it's not always an OPTION for some people because of the severity of the anxiety. Anxiety and stress on its own can have increased risks for the baby even without the meds! AND there could be WORSE risks with you NOT taking the medication than there are WITH the medication. This kind of gave me a peace of mind because like I've said- all of my doctors visits, being pregnant, and going through labor is probably going to trigger my anxiety already and it's just hard for me to imagine being anxious and having panic attacks WHILE I'm pregnant with our sweet future baby.

After this visit we did lower my dose on my current medication and added in another one so I could begin to switch over to one that had less risk. I'm glad I was able to do this before I got pregnant because switching medications while pregnant could be very hard and I personally would not want to do it. My mental health doctor also told me that when we move I need to meet with an OBGYN BEFORE we start trying to have kids to explain my personal and specific situation and come up with a plan beforehand so that I feel safe, my husband feels safe, and the doctor feels confident.

This really put my mind at ease and made me feel A LOT better because I realized there were SO MANY OPTIONS that I never knew were out there! It made me feel like I wasn't going to be "trapped" one way or another. And I feel like a lot of people are very misinformed on this topic! Obviously there’s a lot more to learn and other things to consider but that’s between you and your doc !

You can find some good information here on the Anxiety and Depression Association of America website.

*I say this every time but- I'm not a doctor. Clearly. Consult your doctor. This is not medical advice, just info I was told by my Dr..*

xo

Bailey

Just A Glimpse of Darkness.

*this post may contain triggers for those struggling with mental illness  so please proceed with caution if you think it might affect you or skip down to where you see "++" and read from there on*

I'm feeling very inspired and I'm feeling that fire in my soul that's making me feel like I might have something important to say.  So here's some word vomit from yours truly while I open up and talk about things I never have before-- 

For those of you who have followed my story  this last year- thank you. Whether it was out of curiosity, because you could relate, because you truly cared- thank you. I hope you aren't at the point where you roll your eyes whenever you see me post. Ha. There's a lot that I haven't written about and a lot that I haven't shared. I don't like to FORCE myself to write. I don't like to FORCE myself to post. I have a HUGE list of posts in my mind that I want to write, but I believe they will be written at the right time. And today for whatever reason, I'm feeling the need to share. 

I have a lot of emotions inside of me right now and so I hope that my words can come out the way that I am feeling them. 

I get worried people will associate me with my mental illness and not the other parts that come from it. I worry people think of me as broken, or someone who wants attention, or someone who is calling out for help..... when what I hope to do is inspire and connect and that people can see my strength and my growth. 

Mental illness is a very personal and individual thing. Which makes it complicated. People have different triggers, experiences, reasons for why they are they way they are, coping strategies etc. Someone else with anxiety might not relate 10000% to the experiences with it I share. But despite all of that, I hope so badly that people will look at me as someone who "gets it". That someone will be able to connect with this mess I call my life. Because i truly believe that connections and relating to one another is a huge part about what life is about. So here's me sharing a part of my story I've left out because I've been scared to open up about it and can be a hard topic to discuss. 

I’ve never talked about this to anyone before- because i've never felt the need to, but here I am writing this now. There were a few times this last year battling my consuming anxiety disorder and panic attacks that I remember thinking questions like- “What’s the point of all this? What is the point of living every day when just living is HARD to do? Is it really going to get better? Is there really anyone who can understand the amount of pain, struggle, and darkness I feel? Is it even worth trying to get better because it doesn't seem like I ever will? What if this is going to be my life forever? If it is, I don’t want this. If it is, I don't want to live.” 

Not in the sense that I wanted to end my life, but that I lost all hope in WANTING to live. Because of the all consuming mental illness I was struggling with, life just didn't seem worth it to me. The way I felt, the lack of things I was able to do, that WASNT living. In those moments I understood a glimpse of WHY people get to the point where they want to take their own lives. I understood WHY people with severe mental health problems or people with extremely difficult trials and struggles head down that road. I felt it in those moments. The weight. The despair. The "whats the point?" I personally do not have a depression - BUT there were EXTREMELY depressing moments during this time. Time when depression crept in and sucked all the happiness and joy out of me like a freaking dementor (harry potter fans heyyy).  

Those thoughts luckily did not consume me all day every day, they didn't make me suicidal- but I remember that terrifying helplessness. I remember the darkness that came with those questions. The heart break. The emptiness. It made me have extreme compassion and sympathy for people that ARE suicidal and that DO struggle with those thoughts on a daily basis or for periods of time. That is HEAVY stuff. And it broke my heart. Seeing into that little window of ultimate despair. The one where it showed me that LIFE CAN BE SO HARD TO THE POINT THAT SEEMS LIKE ITS NOT WORTH LIVING BECAUSE THATS THE ONLY WAY TO ESCAPE THAT HURT AND THAT PAIN. Just for a little while I feel like my eyes were opened to a whole different kind of pain. And it was heartbreaking.  How heartbreaking that mental illness can make people feel this way. How life shattering that your own mind becomes your worst enemy.

I NEVER got to the point where that despair and depression and thoughts were all consuming. But I do remember how broken I felt when those questions would cross my mind.  Those thoughts would come and go as I’m sure it does with many other mental illnesses.  Mental illness can seem hopeless. It can seem like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. It can seem like no one cares because its as though no one can understand. It can seem pointless to keep trying. It can seem like a never ending road of pain. I get that. But I truly truly truly believe no one is so broken  and damaged, and shattered that they can't be helped. I believe no one can be so far gone that they can't find light again in their life. I believe no one can be so overcome by sadness and hopelessness and despair that they don't have any more options. I believe in the words DON'T GIVE UP, KEEP GOING, YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS. 

++There is ALWAYS options. There is ALWAYS help. There is ALWAYS something. There is ALWAYS hope. ALWAYS. There are SO SO many resources and things that can help struggling, heart  broken, shattered people. 

I'm not saying its easy to find what works for you. It might take a while to get there and to find those answers, but I know that everyone can. I know because I've seen a glimpse of that darkness. I know because I felt broken and like there was no way I could ever feel like myself again. I know because I had to try and try and try and try and just take it a day at a time until eventually I could look back and see the ways I was changing. See the ways I was becoming something new, something better, something changed, something happier, something transformed. 

It's worth it to just keep taking that next step. Even if it is just a baby step. 

xoxo

Bailey

**I am not a Dr and if you or someone you love is experiencing suicidal thoughts, struggling with anxiety, struggling with depression or another mental illness SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP. See a Dr, see a specialist, get on medication, get into counseling and THEN try other options- meditation, yoga, self help books, spiritual leaders, other internet resources. HELP IS THERE. You don't have to do things all by yourself.**

On my mind.

I think the hardest part about having my anxiety/panic disorder has been learning to live WITH it rather than running AWAY from it. It's not easy. But now when the panic attacks set in, I am able to better get through them rather than completely shutting down & passing out. They still suck. They still are the worst thing ever. They still feel like hell, but I can function better.  I've had to see small victories as huge ones. I've had to work HARD EVERY SINGLE DAY to even feel HALF normal and to be able to function! That's been a weird transition and a hard one to accept. Im not glad I went through what I went through during November - February. Everyone says eventually you will be grateful for your trials, but this one I'm not. Those were the worst and darkest months of my life. Emotionally I hit rock bottom. And I truly did not even imagine being able to HEAL. I thought it was impossible. I thougt I was stuck. I don't know WHY I went through what I did and I hope I never have to experience it again. I learned a lot, and I grew a lot, but I didn't want to have to do it that way. But I've been trying to accept it. And I'm so glad I'm slowly getting better. To be honest I don't know what made the biggest difference in this healing process. I don't know what of the hundreds of things I did to CHANGE and GROW made the biggest difference. I think a huge thing was TRYING. CONSTANTLY to get better. Doing everything I could and trying anything I could think of to try and get even a small amount of relief. It's funny cause now when I have anxious moments and bad days I get so devastated, when a few months ago those would've been considered my good days cause things were so rough. I definitely have a different perspective & feel like I have a completely different mental state than I used to. I don't know why I'm writing this post exactly or why I open up so much  but I feel like there's still not enough mental illness awareness out there. I feel like things are taken too lightly. I feel like people use the words "anxiety" and "anxious" and "panic attack" way too loosely. I feel like it's hard for people to truly understand, and so I try to be as real and as honest as I can to paint even a little bit of a picture for others. I am a happy person, I have a lot of friends, I like doing normal things, I probably seem like I have a lot of my life together- so that's why I'm speaking out and sharing things that make me uncomfortable and make me feel vulnerable.

 I'm not done with this healing journey, but I'm on the uphill and count myself to be one of the lucky ones.
Xoxo Bailey

it's all right it's all right it's all right

I truly believe that time heals everything. That the key to healing is taking small steps in the right direction. Because when you are broken or struggling, it's easy to think that it's going to last forever. That you will never be happy or normal again. Because I know I have felt that way in the past as I do right now. And right now I have to keep reminding myself, and having my husband remind me of that. That trials don't last forever. That the pain and anxiety and struggle I am having right now won't last forever. That it just takes time. And I think the thing that matters the most is the fact that we are all TRYING. That we aren't giving up. That you are doing your best even if your best isn't what you would like it to be. I believe that healing takes time and that there is a reason for that. That there is a reason we go through trials, not necessarily that they were "supposed" to happen, or that "everything happens for a reason" but in general- we go through trials to grow. To learn. To fight. To survive. And that that is the reason we have them. They aren't there to define us. My mental illness does not define me. It is a trial I am having right now.

December was probably one of the hardest months of my entire life. Anxiety just kind of settled into my life like a long lost friend that I couldn't get rid of. My medically triggered anxiety transitioned to Agoraphobia. It's like I don't even know who I am anymore, and that's scary. I HATE that. Because I don't want this to be me. I don't want to be terrified of going anywhere without my husband. I don't want to struggle going to work. I don't want to be on the verge of a panic attack when we are just hanging out with friends and family. I don't want to be on edge 24/7 and unable to find peace unless I am at my own home. It's a vicious cycle. And I don't expect anyone to understand unless they have truly had a panic attack and real anxiety. This might seem like I am exaggerating, or that I just need to suck it up and get over it, or that I am just really stressed- NO.  My heart truly goes out to other people who have suffered with this extent of anxiety or agoraphobia for lengths of time. I have struggled for a month and it is paralyzing and debilitating. I can't imagine having this be apart of my everyday life. Right now I just can't function like myself. And I've accepted it, but I haven't accepted that that is how my life is always going to be. Because that's not me and I refuse to let this anxiety take over my life. I am going to get through it, over time, because I have faith that I can.  Even though sometimes it doesn't seem like it will end and that I will ever be able to go into public by myself again, or that I will be able to sit and have a conversation with someone without feeling the need to run away. I have to have faith that I will be able to shake this.

I will say that through all this my eyes have been opened to a new perspective. That you truly don't know what other people are going through. At all. I can't imagine people feeling the way that I do everyday.  And I'm not saying that in a self pity type of way AT ALL.  It just makes me wonder who else around me struggles like this, or even worse. If the person next to me at the grocery store is struggling to stand there,  even though they don't have a reason to be anxious, that jus getting out of bed was hard for them that day. You never know. You don't know why people do what they do. And you don't know what people have fully been through to bring them to the point in their life that they are at now. That we can't judge. And we can't assume. We just can't. That we should forgive and love, because that is what is important. That self love is so important. That I need to focus on myself right now and not be ashamed for being selfish. That I need to get help from a counselor to try and help my thoughts even though I want to just do this by myself- I CANT. That I need to focus on my health and becoming stronger- physically, mentally, and emotionally. That I need to cling to God and Christ. Submit my will to theres because I clearly don't know what to do at this point in my life. I know that through Christ I can do all things. And that HE is the only person who knows what I am going through. And that He won't leave me comfortless but that He will require me to push through things and grow. That He knows what is best and that He is cheering me on and WANTS me to be okay again too. But If He just took this suffering way from me, I wouldn't be changed. I wouldn't transition and grow as much as I know I will.

I am open about this because I feel like I need to be right now. I feel like I need to be real and to not be ashamed of my mental illness. I feel like if there is even 1 person that can relate to me, that can read my words and know what i am talking about, that can get hope from my experiences- that's worth it to me. That if someone who knows someone with a mental illness like this can have a little bit more compassion or get insight on how to understand them better- that's worth it to me. Because I wish growing up I had someone I could talk to about what I was going through besides my parents. I wish I had someone that would have understood. Someone who could have empathized with me and given me hope and helped me to understand anxiety better. That would have been nice.

 I haven't "overcome" it and I haven't "gotten through it" so that's why this time is different. I'm writing about it as I go. To look back and see my progress. To see how my thoughts and perspectives will change. So that one day, if this ever happens again, I will KNOW without a doubt that I can get through it. So that maybe i won't be as scared and worried as I am right now. That maybe I will believe that everything will be all right.

xoxo
Bailey

images via pinterest

Opening up about my panic attacks.

I've rewritten this blog post 5 times now because nothing feels right. So I'll just get real-
Last week was the hardest week of my entire life. Hands down the roughest time of my life. I was so scared because I thought I wasn't going to get better. I thought that that anxiety I was constantly feeling was ME. I felt like no matter what people told me, I was going to be stuck living my life with constant anxiety. It was miserable. I thought i was going to have to quit work and that my husband was going to be burdened with me. But, I got through it- well, I'm GETTING through it. And that's what I have to focus on. The things that I COULD and CAN do.

The thing that was so different about last week is that EVERYTHING and ANYTHING slightly stressful was sending me into panic attacks. Whereas before it was mostly just medical things-- and honestly High School-College I really didn't have panic attacks at all! I would be anxious here and there but I really had only had a few full on panic attacks. When I would go to get shots or blood drawn or anything that I knew was going to make me anxious like that I would just tell them beforehand that I might pass out. I would have them talk to me to take my mind off of everything and I could handle it. I had tons of medical stuff done over the past few years and I managed it. I had it under control. And I definitely wasn't worried about fully passing out/panic attacks because those were so rare and usually I could prepare myself so I wouldn't have them. But the end of October changed that for me.

Every few months I have to do a weekend shift at the Hospital for work. It's always been a challenge for me but I've always managed-but not this time. Here's a glimpse into my full on panic attack/passing out episode I had--
My breathing became shallow and my heart began to race- that's always the first sign. So I talk myself through taking nice deep breaths and tell myself I can do this, I am fine, There is nothing wrong. I continue working and my body tenses up and I go into cold sweats and the breathing and heart racing just get more intense. No no no, I am FINE. I am OKAY, I can do this. Don't pass out. You are literally 100% fine. I needed to get myself out of this situation or else it was going to end bad. So I went and sat down for a second to get a grip. I took nice deep breaths, talked myself through it some more, felt like I had a grip on the situation-because really, it was a safe and okay situation, and went back. After 1 minute it just hit me like a ton of red bricks and my body went numb. Numb isn't the best description but I don't know how else to describe it- buzzing, weakness, no control over my body, like i'm drowning- numb. I grabbed the nurse to try and explain to her what was happening so she wouldn't panic and then everything went pitch black and I knew I was on the floor. My surroundings seemed to distant and I couldn't see anything but I was still awake. And I could feel how numb I felt and my cold sweats and the ground beneath my body. But I couldn't feel anything else, I was just limp and weak and stuck in my own body. I heard people in the background but I was unable to understand what they were saying and I couldn't process anything anyone was asking me at the moment. It sounded like I was under water. But the thing is, I'm still awake, just there, and I feel like I am dying because I can't imagine anything else feeling worse than this. I don't know how long I was there for but my vision came back, my feeling came back, my body was drenched in cold sweat and I was so tired and exhausted I felt like I had run a marathon.

And after this moment, my anxiety was set off for all of November. It was like my body finally remembered what anxiety truly was and everything began to set me off. It was miserable. The dentist office, the chiropractors office, relief society meetings, church meetings, going shopping with my family, work- Just EVERYTHING. And I was so miserable because 1 moment I would be fine, then the next I was going into a panic attack. Then I was having anxiety about having a panic attack and it was a vicious cycle. Panic attacks are the WORST things I've ever experienced. I was getting crushed because I didn't know why my body was doing this! For so long I had had it under control and since August, getting off of birth control, I had felt so much more normal and HAPPY. And then I guess 2 Thursdays ago was just my breaking point from all the anxiety I felt that month and from all the fighting I had been doing trying to stay strong.

I had a panic attack at work. I didnt full on pass out like the hospital, but I was about a phone call away from doing so. Meaning,  it was so bad I had to call my MOM and she had to come get me from WORK because if she didn't I was going to be passed out in the bathroom floor. You guys, I am 21 years old and my mom had to come get me from work and take me to the doctors. How embarrassing, but you guys don't get how BAD and AWFUL it was. It was literally what I had to do. And that's what led to the last blog post. Because it was the last straw that just set me into this constant anxious frenzy and I just can't handle anything. And life has just been really HARD since then.

But I'm getting better. I'm praying a lot. I'm exercising. I'm meditating and using the app Headspace. I'm reading my scriptures on my own and with my husband. I'm trying to stay calm. I'm trying to change my thoughts and my thinking. I'm trying to live in the now. I'm proud of myself, that I'm pushing through this. Because what I WANT to do is just stay home all day every day and just go at my own pace and just not do anything. I've had to really push myself to function and do normal everyday tasks. Work is SOOOOO hard for me right now.  But I'm working through it, even though it's the toughest thing I've had to do. Even though I have to take some baby steps. Even though I have to take medicine to help me function. I am pushing through this tough time in my life. I have to remind myself I am strong. And that I want to be strong for other people too. And I guess that's why I am sharing this in the first place. Sharing this while it is current and fresh in my life rather than waiting until I have overcome it. I'm talking about it while I am fighting. Which is kind of uncomfortable for me because I don't want to appear weak to people or for people to think that I want pity- I don't.  But this is a part of my story-my LIFE story. And I do hope that someone reading this will feel peace and comfort knowing they aren't alone in this. And that they can fight to. And that it is okay to fight. It is okay to not have a perfect life. It is okay to be broken and have to build yourself back up. Because I know I find comfort reading about other people who struggle with anxiety and learning how they fight and push through their trial.

xo

Bailey

Right now I am strong, but I am also very broken.

Right now I am strong. Strong because I am making it through each day when It feels like sometimes I can't. Strong because I am getting up out of bed in the morning when I feel like there are weights keeping me there. Strong because I am attempting to overcome the things that are causing anxiety to run my life right now. Strong because I am trying new medicine to see if it makes things more bearable even though I hate being on medicine. Strong because small victories have to be my big victories. Strong because I've had to open up to people about my trials right now to try and have them understand even though I know they won't be able to. Strong because I refuse to give up. Strong because I am going to work everyday even when it's difficult for me to just be there. Strong because I refuse to think that my life is going to be like this forever. Strong because I am asking God for help. Strong because I am trusting my Savior.

But right now I am also very broken. More broken than I've ever imagined. Broken because I can't function like I used to, like I want to. Broken because I thought I was strong and that anxiety wasn't going to be a constant companion in my life- right now it is. And this past week has rocked my world into a whole other universe. It's been the hardest thing I've ever experienced. I've been ashamed and humiliated because of it. It's anxiety like I have never felt. Normal every day tasks have become HUGE milestone accomplishments if I can get to them.  And I feel weak. Rock bottom weak. Weak because I want to feel normal again and I just can't.  Weak because I want to jump right back into my normal life and not have panic attacks with normal everyday stuff- and that has never been an issue before. Weak because I'M supposed to be the strong one to help other people, not the other way around. And I've managed my panic attacks for YEARS.  So what happened now? I wish I knew because then maybe I could fix it. And I have sympathy for people who have this type of anxiety. I can't believe that this type of anxiety I have experienced this past week is probably other peoples reality at times- or maybe all the time. And I am grateful that this is not my normal anxiety that I have had to deal with. 

Maybe that is why I am having this mega trial right now. To make me grateful for the anxiety that I normally have. To show me that it could be worse. To remind me that I am blessed. To remind me that it is okay to not be okay and okay to ask for help. To humble me and try to help me accept that I am not in control. That God is in control. To bring me so low, and so scared, and so far away from myself that I have to rely on God to bring me back. I have to rely on the Savior to believe and have faith that he has felt what I am feeling now so that He can sympathize with me and hold my hand through this. That He can remind me that I can get out of this rut. That He can remind me that I am NOT my anxiety. And that I need to be okay with not being in control, and to rely on Him. Because that's hard for me to do because I just want to be able to fix myself. But this past week has shown me that I can't.

I am so so blessed to have the husband, family, friends, and co-workers that I have in my life right now. Who are rooting for me and doing things to help me through this difficult time even if they can't fully understand what I am going through. I am grateful that I can find strength through them to push through difficult times. Because sometimes I just want to give up. Fighting is exhausting. And sometimes giving up seems like the only option, but I know I can't. Because I don't WANT anxiety to define me. I don't WANT anxiety to control my life. And I believe it is possible to get back to having control over it again. Even when sometimes it seems like it isn't possible, I know all things are possible through Christ. I know that He is aware of me and that He will guide me. And I'm trusting in Him and His timing so that I can feel whole again and learn the things that I am supposed to right now. 

To anyone else struggling like this right now, just hang in there. Ask yourself if you can get through the next 10 minutes, and if you can get through those next ten minutes do it. Then ask yourself that question again, and keep getting through 10 minutes and the next 10 minutes and the next 10 minutes and when you get through the day be PROUD of yourself that you got there. That you made it through minutes and hours that seemed unbearable. 

xoxo

Bailey

Images Via Pinterest

surviving through the deep and dark.

"you get to a point where it starts to feel okay to feel again,
and the midnight air doesn't suffocate you,
and the sky doesn't seem to hang so low anymore,
and if i would've told myself this a month ago,
that it'd all be okay,
i wouldn't have believed it,
but here i am,
standing in the middle of a forest with no one around for miles and a miles,
and i do not feel alone."
-m.k.


I used to love words. Not even just love them, but I was passionate about them. If I read something that intrigued me- it captured me. I felt like I was apart of it- and it was apart of me, and I had to write it down. To keep it forever, so i don't forget. To try and hold onto that feeling that I felt in that moment.  Words would literally make me feel alive. Writing them, reading them, creating them. And for the first time in a long time, this poem did that for me today. My soul feels awake. And I wrote this poem down. And I wish I could take what I feel inside right now and give a piece of it to all of you so you could understand how real this is for me. Because this poem is me. And i've been away for a while. Trying to rebuild myself from a long dark road of anxiety and depression. Because it broke me. More broken than I've ever been before. And i'm not going to be dramatic but I'm not going to sugar coat it either because that's not being real, and I'm being real.

I used to be able to write about pain. I used to be able to turn my dark feelings inside of me into words. It was an escape.  I was turning something dark into something beautiful. And I think that's why I love words so much. And honestly, I love honest- real- true- broken- dark- unedited words. Because we all feel that way sometimes. At least, in my mind I think we do. That at some point we all feel broken down and lost. But no one likes to talk about it. No one likes to talk about their true feelings because of what ifs. What if people will judge me? What if no one understands? What if I open up and no one can respond to it how I hope it would? What if no one takes me seriously? What if I am alone? What if I'm a lost cause?

And I couldn't handle the way I was feeling. I couldn't get myself to write it down. I couldn't get myself to speak about it. I couldn't get myself to come to grips with how I was really feeling. Because it was terrifying. And if I spoke about it, wrote about it, talked about it that would be making it real. And I didn't want it to be real anymore. I didn't want to have the crippling anxiety and the devastating depression. I didn't want to be that person. I wanted the person who I used to be but I literally could NOT get to her. No matter how I wanted to be myself, no matter how I wanted to do the things I used to do and say the things I used to say and think the things I used to think I COULD NOT. Because I was broken and the only one that could put myself back together was me and I did not know where all the pieces were hiding. I searched for them, I did, but they were hidden for so long. Almost an entire year of not knowing who you were to the realest and truest interpretation of that.

I think we don't like to talk about how we feel sometimes, because we don't want to take the chance of opening up and not being able to find someone who feels like we feel. That we won't be able to find someone who has the same soul as us. Someone who knows your pain because at one point it was their own. It's scary. But recently I have realized that sometimes that's what we all need. To have someone be brave enough to open up and be raw and say the things that we already think. To scream out the insecurities and worries and thoughts that we all have had at some point. To say the words that you have lived through. And survived. Because we are humans and we have to survive. Everything we do in this life is to survive. And when you get to the point where survival isn't important to you and you can't survive- what then. So, we survive. And hope that others choose to survive. And we live our lives surviving for ourselves and surviving to help others and to influence others survival.

So- if you're at a point in your life where you feel like you can't get through it. That the pain is endless. That the anxiety is unmanageable. That life is too harsh and too dark. That the depression has taken over your life and become who you are. That you truly believe you can't get back to happiness and hope and who you were at one point- or who you want to be. You can. And you might not believe it  now, but you literally CAN. And sometime you just have to wait. Because time heals. Eventually something clicks. Eventually you find what you need. And you rebuild yourself. Even if it is from ground 0, you rebuild and keep building and never stop. And if you don't get to that point you keep trying. And down the road, think of all the times you didn't think you could make it through. And you DID. Depend on those times. Because we are all survivors if we choose to be. We can do hard things because life is tough but so are you.

xoxo,
Bailey

Not to Get Too Personal, But Imma Get Personal- Birth Control

If you've followed along with my Blog you might have already read this post about my journey with Anxiety & Depression. How last year I moved states, started a brand new job in my brand new career, started dating my now husband, changed anxiety medications, got on birth control, and got married all within 6 months. How at times in the past year I had my lowest of lows and more mental breakdowns than I can even begin to count. It was a difficult time in my life because I didn't have a lot of control with my anxiety or my depression. Well, Long Story Short-

I began taking birth control a month before we got married. I was all for it and I liked it. I didn't gain weight and my periods were a lot less painful and shorter. I didn't notice any negative effects and it was so nice not having to worry about getting pregnant. I didn't have any issues remembering to take it at night and I was a strong supporter of birth control. But, when life was consistently hard, when my moods were swinging everywhere, when nothing seemed to be working no matter how hard tried we decided we needed to change SOMETHING.

Paxton suggested me getting off of birth control but I really didn't want to do that. In my mind my birth control was not making me act like this. I had anxiety and depression and I was just going through a really strong bout of it.  A lot of my friends and people I knew stopped taking it shortly after they started due to mood swings or just feeling crazy.  I really didn't think it was a factor in my anxiety and depression at all. I felt like I really was just in a rut and that getting off of birth control really wouldn't change anything. I liked not having to worry about getting pregnant and I liked how much better and less painful my periods were. But something had to be done and I didn't want to switch my anxiety medication because that takes a lot longer to get out of your system and to get used to a new one.

 We came to an agreement that I would just switch to another type of The Pill to see if the different hormone levels would help me to feel more normal. It helped! We started to see progress with my mental health and it was encouraging. I cried a lot less and it was easier to be happy. But, I still struggled more than I should. I still wasn't ME. I kind of fell back on the idea that it wasn't the birth control and that it was really just me that needed to change and I needed to just keep trying everyday. After 3 months of that, we still saw improvements, but I needed more than that. I needed to be me and to be effortlessly happy and optimistic.

After lots of discussion about tons of different options, we decided I just needed to stop taking birth control all together.  It would be better for me to at least try going off to see if it would make a difference. If there was no difference I would go back on it and then we would look into switching my anxiety medication instead.

It's been a little over a month since I stopped taking birth control and I can't even begin to tell you how much of a difference it has made in my life! I have felt more like myself than I have in a year! I really didn't believe it would make this much of a difference. If I would have known all this I would have gotten off of it a lot sooner. It's so much easier for me to be happy. It's so much easier for me to not cry and be overly sensitive. It's so much easier for me to feel like myself and have motivation to do the things I love. I'm not blaming all this success on stopping taking birth control though.  Over the past year I really have been TRYING and DOING things to actively help my anxiety and depression (click here to see a few of the things I did). It has been a combination of a whole bunch of things but I really have seen such a huge difference in my  mental health since I stopped taking The Pill.

I'm not in anyway saying I am against birth control. I'm not saying to stop taking it if you are currently on it, I think it's something great. It took me a year before I decided to stop taking it. But I do recommend, if you struggle with mental health issues, if you've tried tons of different things to try and help yourself improve and become healthier, if you notice you became more moody or depressed since you started taking birth control- just look into ALL of your options. It's all about trial and error.

xoxo

Bailey

How I Started To Find Happiness Again:

One of the biggest reasons I shared that last post with you was because I am passionate about being real. And I think sometimes it's really really hard to take off a life "filter" on social media. We all want people to think we have a perfect, Pinterest worthy life. But I can honestly say I don't think anyone has that type of life. And it's OKAY. It's okay to talk about your struggles, your mistakes, your life experiences because we are ALL learning. And I don't think anyone has a trial that someone else hasn't had, but a lot of times we keep it on the down low. And that's okay too because some things are okay not to share.

So, how did I find happiness throughout the past few months of intense anxiety & depression? Well I don't think I have completely found it. But I'm working on it. And life has been more consistently good than it has bad.  All of these things I am listing helped me at different times in this journey. Somedays one thing would really work and then the next week I had to try something else. It was all trial and error and a lot of times I (or my husband) had to force myself to do these things. Especially at the beginning. But I always just told myself if I wanted to be better I had to be proactive about it and I at least had to TRY. 

Here is a list of all the things I have tried in the last few months:

+Apps: 

Happiness Wizard- Gives you a list of principles to bring you more happiness and you basically do a self check each day and write down lists in those different categories. I liked it because I felt like it made me think of happier things and I could focus on the good things in my life. The downside is you don't have access to as many things unless you purchase it. 

MoodKit- It gives you tools to check your thoughts, your mood, do activities, and keep a journal. I ended up purchasing this app but haven't used it as much as I should! I like the journal sections because it gives you templates of what to write about and helps to teach you how to

Happify- It gives you tools such as activities, posts, quizzes, games, and tasks to do to improve your emotions. I like this one but like the other one, it doesn't let you access a lot unless you purchase it.

+Meditation:

I got the app Headspace and honestly I have REALLY liked this one and found it to be super effective! Each session is 10 minutes and I would go take a hot bath and just relax and meditate. I only have the free version so I could only do 10 sessions. This is all about learning Mindfulness and had a really great science and promising statistics! I honestly have strongly considered paying a monthly fee to get access to ALL of its features! I am a fan of this. It claims to be just as effective as antidepressants and without the side effects. 

+Yoga:

I have always really liked yoga but had a hard time making time for it. I also preferred doing yoga at a studio but didn't always make the time to do that and had a hard time getting into the same "zone" at home. But I started trying to do yoga a few times a week, sometimes it ended up only being once a week, but it was nice to just take a time out and to just breathe and be in that moment. Youtube has a good variety and there are also some good yoga apps I used. 

+Exercise:

I started going 3-4 times a week and after 2 weeks I noticed such a difference. I feel like my week just ends up being better when I make time for the gym. Not to mention I started feeling better about myself which improved my moods. It was a good stress reliever and was a good way for me to start setting goals and giving me a chance to see progress in my life. 

+Medication:

I have been on medication since I was 10 years old because of anxiety. When my anxiety got really really bad at the beginning I went in and she put me on another one and I took it for a few months and now that I have more control over things I am back to just taking 1.

+I made time for myself:

I started making showers more of a "me" time instead of a chore. I would take extra long and afterwards would try and pamper myself a little!

+Pinterest & Google:

I would sometimes spend hours reading articles and posts about being happy, finding happiness, things to improve your mood, how to overcome anxiety and depression ect. Some of them were super cliche but I often found a few things that really helped me!

+Hobbies:

I started doing things that I used to love doing again! It was hard. Because I just didn't care and just didn't want to put effort into things. I knew I wanted to do those things again but I just couldn't get myself to do it. That's wear friends/family/spouses come into play. My husband really encouraged me to get back to doing things such as blogging, posting on instagram, snap chatting, going out of my comfort zone to do things with people again ect. Sometimes I would get frustrated with him, sometimes I just didn't have it in me, but he encouraged me and would tell me certain things I needed to do that day. The first few times I kind of had to fake it, but now I feel like I am so much closer to being myself again and things are so much easier.

+Essential Oils:

I am a believer. And I like things that smell good. Win win. I recently purchased Citrus Bliss and it's a great mood booster. I just put it on my wrists and sometimes under my nose. It smells AMAZING and helps me focus on my breathing and gives me a little boost.

+Gratitude:

Whenever I would get into a "mood" or had a bad day my husband would force me to say 5 good things that happened that day or that i was grateful for. Sometimes it was hard to think of things and sometimes I would get frustrated with him cause I just didn't want to think about good/happy things even though I wanted to be happy. Needless to say, each time it made my mood a little bit better and some times a lotta bit better. 

+Asking myself questions:

Do I know what I am thinking is a fact? Is what I'm thinking really happening? Am I in danger? Is there anything I can do to change this situation? What proof do I have about what I am thinking? If I had a friend thinking these things, what would I tell them?

If you guys have any other ideas or things you have tried I would love to hear about them!

xoxo

Bailey