My Life: Anxiety and Depression

I've gone back and forth trying to decide if I should share this or not. Half because this is m 3rd blog post and half because it's not as easy for me to be "real" and "raw" as it once was. At one point in my life I was at a good place in my life and felt brave enough to share it...but I'm just not there yet. I'm not at a "good place" yet- but I'm getting there. So this post is for those who are struggling with depression and/or anxiety and trying to find their way back to who they used to be. I'm doing that right now. It's been a really hard and emotional journey, but Im finally starting to feel like myself again. So hopefully someone who reads this can find hope. That there really is an end. That you really don't have to feel the way you feel forever. I hope that this can be a post that I needed to read a few months ago.

I don't know where to start.

I've had anxiety since I was about 10 years old. And with that came my depression on and off but nothing that really affected me too bad. I really only severely struggled with my anxiety ages 10-13 then I got more of a grip on my life and it was mostly just brought on from different events or moments.  You can read more about my story and past experiences here.

Well, last year I had a lot of different events and experiences that just rocked my entire world. Along with that I graduated college, moved to a different state, started my career, and got engaged and then married. So it was A LOT of change all at once. And I guess I just couldn't handle it you guys.  I had so many thoughts and feelings and emotions. I didn't know if the things I felt were from God, or Satan, or myself, or my anxiety. I could not separate those things.

 It sounds silly. It sounds like it's all not a big deal. It sounds crazy. But these were my feelings and I'm just telling you how it is. I felt like my entire world was just shattered and I just could not get a grip on anything. I had no control over anything. I couldn't control my life. I couldn't control my thoughts. I couldn't control anything. I lived the past 7 months with severe depression and severe anxiety. The worst that I have ever felt in my entire life.  The worst I hope I will ever have to feel in my life. Side note: During this time I married the love of my life- so don't get me wrong- I had some happy days and some incredible and amazing moments, and I probably had a lot more better days than I can remember but looking back on these past few months it's all just really dark. And not just dark because bad things were really happening- a lot of the time I really had a good life- but my anxiety just controlled me.

I don't even know how to explain it but I have been a hot mess. I cried 1-3 times a day. Had anxiety attacks daily. Felt depressed and dark and helpless multiple times throughout the day.  Sometimes when I didn't even have a reason to be/feel this way. Sometimes when I didn't even know why I was feeling that way. Sometimes when I seriously shouldn't have felt that way. It was SO mentally unhealthy and exhausting. I lost 20 pounds because I was so sick to my stomach every single day and some days I couldn't even eat. It was one thing after another. I would get a nervous thought in my head and it would just EXPLODE x10 and I was thinking the worst things possible. I was dwelling on the past. I was thinking crazy things. And I couldn't even talk myself out of it or tell myself it wasn't real. My thoughts became REAL and I was stuck in this awful and scary world. I was so negative all the time. I always thought worst case scenario situations and that's just how my life was.

And the thing is I KNEW I wasn't myself. I KNEW I was mentally unstable. I KNEW I needed to fix things. I stopped writing. I stopped blogging. I stopped exercising. I stopped posting on social media. I stopped drawing. I stopped being happy. I stopped being confident. I stopped everything that made me me. I wanted to do them, I wanted to fix myself... But I just couldn't. Flat out, I just couldn't. I would try, I would, multiple things and multiple times and nothing could just "fix" it. I couldn't just "think happy thoughts". I couldn't just "stop thinking those things." I couldn't just "sit down and start writing." I couldn't just "be happy." If I could've done those things, trust me, I would have. I was stuck in this deep dark black hole. And that's just how it was on the inside. On the outside I could somewhat be myself but on the inside I was a stranger. I remembered the happy, confident, positive girl I used to be but I just lost her. I couldn't find her. I prayed daily- sometimes hourly just begging God to help me and I just couldn't feel any different. Sometimes maybe, but overall I really felt like He forgot about me. I'm not in any way saying that God didn't help me, but it was so hard for me to feel his presence or notice my prayers being answered and hard for me to control my mind. I was just in a rut and I wanted out but I didn't know what to do or how to even take the first step of getting better and just felt like nothing helped.

So I lived this way for months. Full of ups and downs. And I'm just so infinitely blessed that I have such an amazing husband that stuck with me through this. That he was there to tell me I was not my thoughts. That was there to hear me cry daily. That he reminded me things that were real and things that were not real. That he was so patient. Not all the time but that is because it was SO hard for him too. And sometimes that thought even made it worse for me, knowing the way I was was hurting him. The only way I could feel better was to vent to him and cry and have meltdowns and then hear his reassurance and advice, but it was so much baggage for him and I knew it and that killed me. So it was a sticky situation. Trying to find a good balance. Because I didn't want to just be this anxious and sad depressed wife, and he didn't want that either...but how could I change? Maybe this was just who I was now? False. But I could't see that. And there were days at a time he just had to breathe and be patient with  me. And I'm so grateful for him and his love for me because some of the things he did for me I don't know if I could have done.

For the past 2 months I have been on the uphill again. FINALLY. And it has been (mostly) consistent. That is the most important thing to me. That I have made progress. Not perfect progress but I have consistently been getting better and starting to feel like my old self again. It has almost been an entire year since my anxiety and depression hit my like a ton of bricks. I wish I could've gotten better faster, sooner, quicker...but I didn't. It has been a journey, and I know it's not ever, but I honestly do not think I could get worse than I have been these past few months. I hit rock bottom. But I've learned things from it. I've learned SO much from these past few months. And I've never been more grateful for the days where I feel "normal". Where I don't wake up anxious and depressed. I am so grateful for happiness again. That I can finally say that I have a happy and good life. And that's the thing- my life situations haven't really changed much, but my mind has. My mind has become happier. My soul now feels again. I can now be effortlessly happy instead of just hoping and wishing I had it in my life.

Mental illness is the worst. Honestly I don't wish it upon anyone. And I know I'm going to struggle with it on and off for the rest of my life. So I'm just trying to learn coping strategies and different things to help my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Because I never ever want to feel like I have these past few months ever again. Stick around for my next blog post on how I found happiness when I didn't feel like being happy. And the things that helped me to come out of this funk.

xoxo
Bailey