Last week was the hardest week of my entire life. Hands down the roughest time of my life. I was so scared because I thought I wasn't going to get better. I thought that that anxiety I was constantly feeling was ME. I felt like no matter what people told me, I was going to be stuck living my life with constant anxiety. It was miserable. I thought i was going to have to quit work and that my husband was going to be burdened with me. But, I got through it- well, I'm GETTING through it. And that's what I have to focus on. The things that I COULD and CAN do.
The thing that was so different about last week is that EVERYTHING and ANYTHING slightly stressful was sending me into panic attacks. Whereas before it was mostly just medical things-- and honestly High School-College I really didn't have panic attacks at all! I would be anxious here and there but I really had only had a few full on panic attacks. When I would go to get shots or blood drawn or anything that I knew was going to make me anxious like that I would just tell them beforehand that I might pass out. I would have them talk to me to take my mind off of everything and I could handle it. I had tons of medical stuff done over the past few years and I managed it. I had it under control. And I definitely wasn't worried about fully passing out/panic attacks because those were so rare and usually I could prepare myself so I wouldn't have them. But the end of October changed that for me.
Every few months I have to do a weekend shift at the Hospital for work. It's always been a challenge for me but I've always managed-but not this time. Here's a glimpse into my full on panic attack/passing out episode I had--
My breathing became shallow and my heart began to race- that's always the first sign. So I talk myself through taking nice deep breaths and tell myself I can do this, I am fine, There is nothing wrong. I continue working and my body tenses up and I go into cold sweats and the breathing and heart racing just get more intense. No no no, I am FINE. I am OKAY, I can do this. Don't pass out. You are literally 100% fine. I needed to get myself out of this situation or else it was going to end bad. So I went and sat down for a second to get a grip. I took nice deep breaths, talked myself through it some more, felt like I had a grip on the situation-because really, it was a safe and okay situation, and went back. After 1 minute it just hit me like a ton of red bricks and my body went numb. Numb isn't the best description but I don't know how else to describe it- buzzing, weakness, no control over my body, like i'm drowning- numb. I grabbed the nurse to try and explain to her what was happening so she wouldn't panic and then everything went pitch black and I knew I was on the floor. My surroundings seemed to distant and I couldn't see anything but I was still awake. And I could feel how numb I felt and my cold sweats and the ground beneath my body. But I couldn't feel anything else, I was just limp and weak and stuck in my own body. I heard people in the background but I was unable to understand what they were saying and I couldn't process anything anyone was asking me at the moment. It sounded like I was under water. But the thing is, I'm still awake, just there, and I feel like I am dying because I can't imagine anything else feeling worse than this. I don't know how long I was there for but my vision came back, my feeling came back, my body was drenched in cold sweat and I was so tired and exhausted I felt like I had run a marathon.
And after this moment, my anxiety was set off for all of November. It was like my body finally remembered what anxiety truly was and everything began to set me off. It was miserable. The dentist office, the chiropractors office, relief society meetings, church meetings, going shopping with my family, work- Just EVERYTHING. And I was so miserable because 1 moment I would be fine, then the next I was going into a panic attack. Then I was having anxiety about having a panic attack and it was a vicious cycle. Panic attacks are the WORST things I've ever experienced. I was getting crushed because I didn't know why my body was doing this! For so long I had had it under control and since August, getting off of birth control, I had felt so much more normal and HAPPY. And then I guess 2 Thursdays ago was just my breaking point from all the anxiety I felt that month and from all the fighting I had been doing trying to stay strong.
I had a panic attack at work. I didnt full on pass out like the hospital, but I was about a phone call away from doing so. Meaning, it was so bad I had to call my MOM and she had to come get me from WORK because if she didn't I was going to be passed out in the bathroom floor. You guys, I am 21 years old and my mom had to come get me from work and take me to the doctors. How embarrassing, but you guys don't get how BAD and AWFUL it was. It was literally what I had to do. And that's what led to the last blog post. Because it was the last straw that just set me into this constant anxious frenzy and I just can't handle anything. And life has just been really HARD since then.
But I'm getting better. I'm praying a lot. I'm exercising. I'm meditating and using the app Headspace. I'm reading my scriptures on my own and with my husband. I'm trying to stay calm. I'm trying to change my thoughts and my thinking. I'm trying to live in the now. I'm proud of myself, that I'm pushing through this. Because what I WANT to do is just stay home all day every day and just go at my own pace and just not do anything. I've had to really push myself to function and do normal everyday tasks. Work is SOOOOO hard for me right now. But I'm working through it, even though it's the toughest thing I've had to do. Even though I have to take some baby steps. Even though I have to take medicine to help me function. I am pushing through this tough time in my life. I have to remind myself I am strong. And that I want to be strong for other people too. And I guess that's why I am sharing this in the first place. Sharing this while it is current and fresh in my life rather than waiting until I have overcome it. I'm talking about it while I am fighting. Which is kind of uncomfortable for me because I don't want to appear weak to people or for people to think that I want pity- I don't. But this is a part of my story-my LIFE story. And I do hope that someone reading this will feel peace and comfort knowing they aren't alone in this. And that they can fight to. And that it is okay to fight. It is okay to not have a perfect life. It is okay to be broken and have to build yourself back up. Because I know I find comfort reading about other people who struggle with anxiety and learning how they fight and push through their trial.
xo
Bailey
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