Right now I am strong. Strong because I am making it through each day when It feels like sometimes I can't. Strong because I am getting up out of bed in the morning when I feel like there are weights keeping me there. Strong because I am attempting to overcome the things that are causing anxiety to run my life right now. Strong because I am trying new medicine to see if it makes things more bearable even though I hate being on medicine. Strong because small victories have to be my big victories. Strong because I've had to open up to people about my trials right now to try and have them understand even though I know they won't be able to. Strong because I refuse to give up. Strong because I am going to work everyday even when it's difficult for me to just be there. Strong because I refuse to think that my life is going to be like this forever. Strong because I am asking God for help. Strong because I am trusting my Savior.
But right now I am also very broken. More broken than I've ever imagined. Broken because I can't function like I used to, like I want to. Broken because I thought I was strong and that anxiety wasn't going to be a constant companion in my life- right now it is. And this past week has rocked my world into a whole other universe. It's been the hardest thing I've ever experienced. I've been ashamed and humiliated because of it. It's anxiety like I have never felt. Normal every day tasks have become HUGE milestone accomplishments if I can get to them. And I feel weak. Rock bottom weak. Weak because I want to feel normal again and I just can't. Weak because I want to jump right back into my normal life and not have panic attacks with normal everyday stuff- and that has never been an issue before. Weak because I'M supposed to be the strong one to help other people, not the other way around. And I've managed my panic attacks for YEARS. So what happened now? I wish I knew because then maybe I could fix it. And I have sympathy for people who have this type of anxiety. I can't believe that this type of anxiety I have experienced this past week is probably other peoples reality at times- or maybe all the time. And I am grateful that this is not my normal anxiety that I have had to deal with.
Maybe that is why I am having this mega trial right now. To make me grateful for the anxiety that I normally have. To show me that it could be worse. To remind me that I am blessed. To remind me that it is okay to not be okay and okay to ask for help. To humble me and try to help me accept that I am not in control. That God is in control. To bring me so low, and so scared, and so far away from myself that I have to rely on God to bring me back. I have to rely on the Savior to believe and have faith that he has felt what I am feeling now so that He can sympathize with me and hold my hand through this. That He can remind me that I can get out of this rut. That He can remind me that I am NOT my anxiety. And that I need to be okay with not being in control, and to rely on Him. Because that's hard for me to do because I just want to be able to fix myself. But this past week has shown me that I can't.
I am so so blessed to have the husband, family, friends, and co-workers that I have in my life right now. Who are rooting for me and doing things to help me through this difficult time even if they can't fully understand what I am going through. I am grateful that I can find strength through them to push through difficult times. Because sometimes I just want to give up. Fighting is exhausting. And sometimes giving up seems like the only option, but I know I can't. Because I don't WANT anxiety to define me. I don't WANT anxiety to control my life. And I believe it is possible to get back to having control over it again. Even when sometimes it seems like it isn't possible, I know all things are possible through Christ. I know that He is aware of me and that He will guide me. And I'm trusting in Him and His timing so that I can feel whole again and learn the things that I am supposed to right now.
To anyone else struggling like this right now, just hang in there. Ask yourself if you can get through the next 10 minutes, and if you can get through those next ten minutes do it. Then ask yourself that question again, and keep getting through 10 minutes and the next 10 minutes and the next 10 minutes and when you get through the day be PROUD of yourself that you got there. That you made it through minutes and hours that seemed unbearable.
xoxo
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